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Q: Have you ever noticed that you can be dating someone for many months, but the relationship is still referred to as "casual"? Despite my best efforts, I am what most people would call a "serial casual dater." I don't want to do it, but that's how it always ends up, no matter how serious things seem to get. I don't know how to get past this stage of dating without appearing like I'm dying to get married. It's a tough balancing act but it seems to be a universal trend. What's your call on this?
A: There's 'casual dating' and then a mysterious in-between phase I like to call the "Not Exactly Casual Anymore" stage. It's the phase where the relationship is past the point of 'first few dates' yet hasn't been officially promoted to 'serious'. It's a gray, murky swimming hole where many people tread water, waiting patiently (yeah, right) for either the next stage to begin, or for the whole thing to end.
The N.E.C.A. (Not Exactly Casual Anymore) stage has the makings of a serious relationship but it's tricky and the slightest misstep can plant you permanently in Casualville, or worse yet, Singleville. It's the stage when an allegedly 'casual' couple hints at, or blatantly talks about, spending tons of time together, planning trips, or what color eyes their kids will have. You might meet someone's family and get in with their friends. You may even have a few things at each other's apartments because you spend nights or weekends together. Essentially, the relationship has distinct characteristics you thought were only associated with 'serious' relationships.
Anyone with some semblance of a dating life in their history knows this phase and it's either totally great or a serious bummer (depending upon what you're looking for) because you're still technically allowed to date other people and get away with it. N.E.C.A. people are not your significant others, they're simply "someone you're seeing" and there is comfort in such a title. But that's all dependent upon the absence of love. N.E.C.A. people are often profoundly in love but if they don't utter the words, the relationship stays put (or goes the way of the dodo) and nobody has to make big decisions.
Most people in this cool but uncertain stage spend a good bit of time doing two things: 1) analyzing the relationship, and 2) fielding questions from friends, family, etc. about where things are headed. As a result, N.E.C.A. is often the stage when people get a little nuts and either push too hard, or run for the hills.
Yep, it's a pivotal stage but it should be totally enjoyed - with a mature understanding that despite all the sex, sweet whispers, 'telling' hints, and great dates, everyone has their own ideas about the future, and those ideas may not have been openly shared yet. N.E.C.A. is like a rest stop on the relationship highway - not your ultimate destination but a good place to stop, take funny pictures, and use the facilities. Sometimes the service is good, and sometimes it has you running back to your car swearing that next time around, you'll fly instead.
Finding yourself in the N.E.C.A. stage over and over with no progression? Time to change your m.o. There is only so long you can tread water until your arms get tired. You are 100% allowed to have the "where is this going?" conversation without looking ring-hungry. And if you're accused of being so, dump 'em. Enjoy this stage for all the romance, sexiness, and "not knowing." What lies beyond is anyone's guess. But whatever it is, it's probably meant to be.
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It can all be summed up in one word: INTENTION.
If your INTENTION is a serious relationship - or even (gasp!) a marriage - the first thing YOU need to do is be crystal clear about it.
Then when you meet someone, you can share your INTENTION, and see if there's a match with theirs. If not, just move on, or plant the person in the FRIENDS page, or even the FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS page, of your little black book.
If and when you meet someone who has the same INTENTION, of course you start as slowly as you need to - but you both talk openly about whether there's really a chance for the kind of relationship you both really want.
No nonsense, no bullshit, no coyness necessary. Really.
This article is perfect for me... after having spent several wonderful months with a guy, I let him know how I felt... and screech, everything came to a screeching halt. Too much for him to acknowledge I guess. We are slowly getting back in contact... but it will take time.
Can't decide if I'm glad I expressed my feelings or wish I'd never said anything and we'd still be together. In previous relationships I'd stay in this limbo zone too long without saying how I felt... so I'm kind of glad I did it, but still...
My gut feel is that we will eventually be together. Thanks for the great post and some perspective on the subject.
There's an old saying:
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
As hopefully liberated women we should see both the pros and cons of relationships that are physically intimate, and yet not committed. This is mostly great for guys, not so great for women who'd like to find something more loyal and permanent.
This turn in our societal paradigm has cost us. But if we're hip to it we can ride the storm out successfully.
We can either: accept that some relationships will always be casual. Or decide what we want to settle for and live accordingly. It's an art and a tightrope, but we can learn to walk it with balance.
Funny, other people seem to get married with little problem. She seems very frustrated and needs to meet a nice man who will fall in love with her. She also seems like a well meaning woman who deserves it. I hope she finds it and know, if she wants it, she will succeed.
xxx's & ooo's
To be fair, it's not just men who run for the hills at some point in the NECA phase, nor does it have everything to do with having sex with no genuine thought of the future.
Sometimes, women like myself run for it, especially when *he's* the one who brings up marriage. (Even more so when there is added pressure from several 'talks' about the future, with added pressure from family members and mutual friends.) There are times when "seeing someone" is all a person wants. If you prefer that type of relationship and no one's getting their emotions trampled upon, where's the harm?
Maybe it's just me, but there seems to be too much emphasis placed on 'legitimizing' a committed relationship, especially for the sake of being in a relationship.
If the whole "Sex in the City" thing isn't right for you, don't let the relationship wonks sell you on it. As far as I can tell, being happily single has yet to be declared a crime.
Just Google 'seduction community' or 'pickup artists' -- you will discover that there are thousands if not millions of men who are learning/have learned how to show women an amazing time, THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE, a night with a real man who knocks their socks off and makes them scream their heads off, all 100% casual, no relationships, no drama, just better than you ever imagined could be true.
What is Catherine Specter trying to say? This is ridiculous.
That's what women call it. Men call it "getting laid on a regular basis with no commitment
So, what your saying is the N.E.C.A., is the stage before you decide to progress to the much more dangerous phase of commitment?
It's the one where questions like, "What are we?", are asked.
Does anyone wonder why commitment has become such a dificult decision for everyone?
Maybe it's because of the Carnage that marriage and divorce as become in our society.
I know men that when ever the question comes up, "what are We?", they know it's time to break up. Usually this is well before they can be sued for palimony.
Marriage and divorce are a goldmine for Lawyers and courts. It's just like the old fairy tale of the Goose That Laid the Golden Egg.
Our culture no longer nurture's relationships, we exploit them. Who cares if that's destructive to society as long as someone makes a buck.
More evidence that sex in the city is lonely and pathetic, but not nearly as pathetic as those who write about it.
What is this "Sex In the City"? Who cares unless there's a biological clock constantly ticking. Looks to me like a whining episode of the old TV show "20 Something". A blog is one thing but is this one really worth the time?
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