What Did You Learn This Past Year?
Test your knowledge by answering these objectively scientific questions about the celebrities, politicians and fifteen minute famers who made headlines in 2009.
You would describe 2009 as "THE YEAR OF ........
A) Undermining Uninsured, Unemployed, and Underrepresented Minorities.
B) The Man-Child
C) Hope in a Bottle
If a female celebrity accepts an award for her work, a male peer should:
A) Corner her with an unsolicited kiss.
B) Interrupt her speech to say she didn't deserve to win.
C) Comment on her Botox, whether or not she had any done.
When exploiting children for commercial gain:
A) Buy them matching uniforms.
B) Never read them books, it sends subliminal message to TV and film viewers.
C) Keep copies of the footage for their future shrink appointments.
If a male physically abuses his girlfriend or female colleague, he might:
A) Ditch her in their shared office, McMansion, or rental car.
B) Blame the media for egging him on!
C) Apologize via Twitter, Facebook, MySpace or a YouTube video; someone else can forward her the link.
If a married politician or celebrity cheats, he ought to:
A) Engage in unprotected sex with as many people as possible, because if she takes him back, he may be stuck with her.
B) Invent an original alibi, as coming out of the closet, hiking, and a fetish for S & M in trouser socks is already taken.
D) Hide any athletic gear or sharp objects from his spurned wife.
When gunning for your fifteen minutes of fame from infidelity:
A) Swipe toiletries from the hotel for proof of your lover's lust and hygiene practices.
B) Keep receipts of your rendezvous for tax purposes.
C) Prepare a reality show pitch, like Bro's with Hoes Too.
After a failed Presidential campaign, politicians will:
A) Serve boxed wine and force donors to buy hard cover copies of their books.
B) Decry reform as socialism, while collecting government subsidized health care.
C) Consult on national security, even if said, "International expertise" consists of finding a parking spot near the U.N.
If after skipping out on bail, you should:
A) Find a spokesperson whose own biological son is his brother-in-law, ex is his mother-in-law to stump on your behalf.
B) Describe your admitted drugging and raping a minor as not "rape rape."
C) Move to Europe where sexual assault is a poet's personal beeswax.
Say you carry a weapon, you want to:
A) Wear sweatpants without pockets.
B) Test it out on college campus, military bases, or crowded piazza, and then run!
C) Deploy to England, apparently we need more armed bodies there.
For religious reasons, people will:
A) Veto gays and lesbian's liberal causes like marriage and the military.
B) Kill other humans, especially over dry rocky desert.
C) Practice polygamy, but only if the women dress in corduroy prairie dresses.
To win a US political election, a candidate should:
A) Spend $200 on behalf of voters in lieu of giving them cash during a recession.
B) Rant about immigrants, even if the candidate is not Native-American.
C) Invest hundreds of dollars in hair care.
D) Deny patrimony, like anyone will ever find out....
The Banking industry needs to:
A) Build sturdier pyramids.
B) Merge with the other conglomerates to form all we need: US Treasury-Google-Apple-Twitter-HBO-Netflix-H&M-CVS-Ikea-Trader Joe's-US Government.
C) Be paid more than less intelligent peers, like rocket scientists, doctors, teachers, professors, public servants, therapists, engineers, and nurses.
To ring in 2010, US Citizens will:
A) Blog, text, drink red wine, call their congressman, exercise more, eat less, take a second job, sanitize their hands, vote for viral videos, all while driving.
B) Fist bump.
C) Try out Friendster, for old time's sake.