Right now, we are trying to defeat fundamentalism all over the world with our military might. But as our commanders in the field keep telling us in Iraq, we cannot win this fight militarily. In fact, using our armed forces throws fuel on the fire. It makes fundamentalism against us stronger rather than weaker.
I have a better plan. Porn. Jessica Simpson. And the internet. Let our culture do the dirty work. It is wonderfully corrosive and ultimately irresistible.
Below are pictures of Jessica Simpson and Mullah Omar. Who do you think is going to win that fight in the long run? I'll take Jessica Simpson every time. And so will a great majority of the 15-year-old boys in the world -- and those are exactly the people we have to win over.
Instead of hearts and minds, this is the loins and groins strategy. Give these kids hope that they too can one day grow up to have sex with Jessica Simpson and you will have won them over. Remember even the fundamentalists promise them sex. They offer them 72 virgins in heaven. If we could offer them just one slut on earth, we got the better deal.
Our biggest tool in this war is not an F-16 or an Abrams Tank, it is the internet. Just give these countries as much internet access as possible and let freedom run its course. My 15-year-old nephew can pull up a library of porn for you on the internet in 15 seconds flat. You think he's going over to Mullah Omar after seeing that, not a chance.
Look at where fundamentalism breeds -- Afghanistan, Northern Pakistan, desolate areas of Saudi Arabia, Somalia. These are some of the poorest and most uneducated places on earth. They cling to fanatical leaders because they don't know any better and they have no other hope. Let's give them education and hope, and we will have done more with our books than anything we can hope to do with our missiles.
I think the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation does terrific work in education in the United States and health care in the developing world. And God bless Warren Buffett for being so selfless as to give away his money to their work. But I think they would do even more good if they focused on education in the developing world. And ultimately, if they wired the world, they would have brought true freedom to the globe.
I know that the internet has its dangers as well. Unfettered freedom produces some poisonous fruits, too. And often some of the most hard core terrorists come from middle class families and wealthy nations. So, this is not a plan to wipe out all terrorists instantly. It's a long term strategy to educate, entertain and provide hope. Will it be panacea? Of course not, nothing ever is. But will it do a better job of draining the swamp than anything else we've tried so far? Only by about a mile.
No one who thinks they might one day sleep with Jessica Simpson blows themselves up. Now they don't all get to sleep with her obviously, but the dream alone usually suffices. Far less than one percent of Americans pay the estate tax, but a lot of Americans are against it anyway because they think that one day they might be rich enough to pay it. They believe. It's called the American dream.
I think it's a lot better to give people the American dream rather than the American nightmare that is Iraq. Let's give the Muslim world hope. Let's give them information and education. Let's give them the internet. Let's give them hard-ons. Mullah Omar doesn't stand a chance against that.
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