Have you heard the news? Hillary Clinton has breasts! Yes, it's official, she really is a woman and has breasts, and when those breasts are put in the right outfit, she actually has cleavage, too. I know it's true, because I didn't read about it in the Enquirer, no this came from Robin Givhan at The Washington Post. That's right, and not only does Hillary have breasts that can create cleavage, but by showing it she has made a huge political statement.
For instance, women, did you know that your cleavage says so much about you? Oh yes, as I quote the July 20th article in the Post:
" Showing cleavage is a request to be engaged in a particular way. It doesn't necessarily mean that a woman is asking to be objectified, but it does suggest a certain confidence and physical ease. It means that a woman is content being perceived as a sexual person in addition to being seen as someone who is intelligent, authoritative, witty and whatever else might define her personality. It also means that she feels that all those other characteristics are so apparent and undeniable, that they will not be overshadowed.
"To display cleavage in a setting that does not involve cocktails and hors d'oeuvres is a provocation. It requires that a woman be utterly at ease in her skin, coolly confident about her appearance, unflinching about her sense of style."
Funny, when my 23-year-old niece read the article, she thought that perhaps showing her cleavage simply meant it was hot outside and she didn't want a shirt up around her neck. She, like I, had no idea that in 2007 cleavage was still so provocative.
Let's face it, the article was sexist (yes, women can be sexist, too) and the discussion ridiculous. And, it didn't go far enough. Because it didn't talk about anyone's package. I mean, truly. If breast are fair game in the election, then no package is off limits, so to speak.
Now, given height, weight and ethnicity stereotypes, we all know Obama's got Rudy and the rest of them beaten by, well, a long shot. Fred Thompson's a big guy, so he'd probably come in second. We know trailing the long list would be our current President, because if anyone is overcompensating for something, it's him.
And shouldn't men's packages be fair game in the election after all? Because isn't that what it all essentially boils down to? Mine is bigger than yours? Isn't that what half the wars have been about, "Hey Sadaam, mine is bigger than yours!" Hey Russia, my missiles are bigger than yours! I wish the world leaders like Bush and Putin would just whip it out, measure up and be done with it. I'm sick to death of all the testosterone floating around this country, it's killing us, we're drowning in it.
I, for one, am glad Hillary has breasts, and ovaries and estrogen and all the rest. Maybe that's what it's going to take in Washington to get things back on track. Because all these men with their pumped up versions of reality filtered through machismo eyes is destroying us.
Look around...you'll see it everywhere. "Troop surges...," you can bet a man thought that up; "escalations..." yup, that's a man..."; Operation (insert macho word here)"...man..."insurgents"...man...
Only a man at a time when people are dying for oil would drive an abomination called a "Hummer," after all, he's not getting one at home so he has to drive one.
Yes, packages are fair game. We are obsessed with them anyway. Any time a politician uses one, it's news.
"Today, a fat, middle-aged balding Senator had sex. Of course, not with his wife since she hasn't wanted to touch him for years, no, with a prostitute, as most fat, middle-aged, balding men would do if they could, film at a 11..." Please.
And where has all this testosterone gotten us? In a huge mess. This machismo makes us live in a fantasy world, this world that says "America is the greatest nation on the planet..." That's such a man thing. Only a man would look at all the facts that say contrary and still announce something different.
Truly, if a guy is standing in a bar and a hot girl (or guy) walks up and wants to go play, do you suppose the guy is going to turn and say, "You know, I'm not that great any more...oh, I used to be, but not any more. I'm not a very good listener, can't really stay up without a pill, pretty selfish in bed, but Bob, see Bob right over there, well, he's great, a really great guy, why don't you go and ask him..." Ya, right. Oh no, he'll be the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Only a man could look at Iraq and say it's working. Because there's things blowing up there. Never give a man things that blow up, they're going to use them. And never give them things that blow other people up, they'll use them often. And while it takes a real man to admit defeat, how many real men are in Washington these days?
And the problem with too much testosterone is caring ends up getting lost. There is so little caring these days. Who cares about the millions of Iraqi refugees we have created that are now in Jordan or Syria? Not us, or we'd be bringing them here by the boat loads. Who cares about the people dying in the Darfur? Not us, or troops would already be there. Who cares about immigration? Not us, or we'd grant the ones here now amnesty and find a way to secure the border and realize they are separate issues. Who cares about health care? Not us, or we'd give it to everyone affordably. No, this whole Machismo of America has blighted out caring for catch phrases and inflated solutions that only a man would ever think could work. Only a man would think that a 700-mile fence along a 2100-mile border would solve a problem. That's because men are used to "fudging" the length of things, only a man would think 700 could fill up 2100.
I don't really know why women put up with it. They've got the answer, right there on theirs or Hillary's chest. Just bare them, and men go crazy. They can't think. They are under the spell of the almighty breast. A nation stood still because Janet Jackson showed one for a millisecond. We had congressional hearings over it. Hillary should do the next debate in a bikini, she'd get more votes.
No, I'm all for breasts (funny, me of all men saying that), because testosterone and packages have all but destroyed my country with their single minded macho bull crap. I say bring on the cleavage.