If you let most newscasters tell it, marriage isn't "in" anymore. We see all sorts of headlines: Divorce rates are up. Twentysomethings choose cohabitation over marriage. Marriage isn't for everyone. I could go on and on. Everywhere I look there's a new study or story on why people aren't getting married, waiting much longer to get married, or just plain miserable in their marriages. Yet, as a newly married woman all I can think about most days is how happy I am in my own marriage and how blessed I feel to have found a wonderful man willing to take this journey with me.
Dear naysayers: I don't agree. Marriage can be wonderful, if you marry the right person at the right time. I can't tell you who or when to marry, but I can give you seven damn good reasons why you should, at least, believe in the power of the institution. Read them before you pass judgments, please. Put simply: I'm only about a year and half into a marriage, and I can already find seven reasons to tell you it's worth the work -- that's got to be a good sign.
1. Marriage can heal you.
Sometimes I realize my husband's love has slowly but surely healed parts of me I never even knew were broken -- some small, some big. If you let it, the love your spouse has for you can repair the pain other parts of your life have caused.
2. Marriage motivates you.
Just like becoming a parent makes you want to be better for the sake of your child, getting married makes you want to be a stronger more present person in your relationship. You share a life and beliefs with your spouse -- the achievements and the consequences -- and knowing that your failures are theirs as well makes you want to succeed for the both of you.
3. Marriage is a test you'll want to take.
Remember those times in your life when you walked away from something prematurely only to wish later on that you'd at least given it a try? Marriage is a test of your inner will and your devotion to yourself and another human being. It's also a test of your honor and commitment when life is most unkind.
4. There is someone for everyone.
I believe this wholeheartedly. And if you don't, well then, hey, why are you even reading this right now? There are billions of people in this world, and when you find that one needle in this humongous haystack we call life, you feel so truly blessed and so lucky that it will be hard not to want to give all you have to them.
5. Marriages keep it real.
In life you can lie to everyone else but yourself -- this we know. And who knows you better than you know yourself? Your spouse just might, if you let them in. They will be the one to call you out on your bullshit when no one else will. When everything else in your world seems confusing and out of place, if you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with the right person, they will be there to help you put it all into perspective -- even if you don't particularly like what they have to say. Like it or not, you're gonna need that type of raw honesty at some point in your life. Why not when you say, "I do"? When they commit to you, they commit to a lifetime of openness and honesty with you. (Or, at least, they should.) That's a gift.
6. Marriage is resilient.
Yes, you may know of quite a few people who are still reeling from failed marriages -- they might even be your parents, friends, aunts or uncles. But I bet you also know at least one couple who is happily married right now and working hard to keep it that way. Studies will have you believe that marriage is something that used to be a good idea but isn't so smart today. Marriage has taken a beating over the years in the press, but if you pay attention, there are still millions of weddings a year in the U.S. alone. Why do you think that is? Despite what negative aspects of marriage others see or hear about in their own lives, they still feel compelled to try and are willing to fight for.
7. Marriage reopens parts of your heart you never even knew were closed.
Remember the joy you felt when you were a kid and you rode an amazing coaster again and again because you didn't want the high you felt to end? Or how excited you were to unwrap that giant birthday gift you'd been staring at all week? Can you remember the last time you felt that good? On the best days, a healthy marriage can warm your heart in those very same places and really make you feel that alive and vulnerable again. Your spouse's love can go to those places, promise.
Other stories from Man, Wife And Dog:
5 Threats to Your Marriage to Watch Out For
You Got the Diamond, Now These Are the Four Cs of Marriage
5 Things No One Tells You About Marriage, But Should
Really?
I hate to tell you this, but you sound way unhappier than any married person I know, including myself. You sound just as scared that marriage might work as you are that it won't. You're right that happiness doesn't start with another person, but it doesn't sound like happiness is starting with you, either.
If someone chooses to make that legal, binding commitment to another person, for however long it lasts, then what is it to you? How would you feel if I questioned your choice to stay unmarried? Your choice doesn't affect me and my choice. And vice versa.
50% of marriages end in divorce. First of all, that's a bogus claim, and has already been debunked in several different places. But even if it were completely true, as someone else pointed out, that means that 50% last. Glass half empty vs. Glass half full. You made your choice, and I made mine. Why the vitrol?
Marriage does none of those things.
Marriage is not a relationship between one member of a couple and the other, but between a couple and society. You don't need a license to love someone for better or for worse. You don't need a ceremony to trust each other absolutely. You don't need a certificate, to be committed till death do you part. You don't need tax breaks or automatic inclusion on each other's medical coverage, to have your most important decision be already made. If you have a committed relationship, with all the important stuff, then it's natural to participate in the institution, with the ceremony and certificate and so on. But the commitment has to be there first. The ceremony can't make the commitment, and neither can the rest of the institution.
Some newlywed couples actually remain happy throughout their relationship. My godparents are the prime example of that...20 years later and they still are going stronger than ever. They embody what it means to be a "power couple" because no matter what has happened in their lives they have had each other (and trust me plenty of things have happened).
I hope that my relationship finds this type of happiness. No matter what happens with you and your husband I hope you remember this and I hope you keep it with you always. And no matter how many negative nellies are out there, thank you from all of us who appreciate your words of wisdom and hope.
I don't believe it. I think any sufficiently wise person who knew my parents in my childhood, thirty years before death parted them, could have foretold with great and well-justified confidence that their marriage would endure until precisely that eventuality.
In light of the human potential for self-delusion, it would be presumptuous to make the same claim for myself. But of course I believe it.
I don't buy it.
I lease. Never own.