The only thing more shocking about what happened at the Grammys - Allison Krauss and Robert Freaking Plant winning album of the year (who put those two together and have you even heard of either of them in the past 5 years?) - is what didn't happen at the Grammys. Specifically that longtime R&B powerhouse couple Chris Brown & Rihanna were no shows. Not only did they not attend or perform as scheduled but Brown was taken into custody for "making criminal threats" and perhaps use of a deadly weapon in a domestic assault of the R&B umbrella star. Rihanna's rep says she is fine, naturally, but sources say she was hospitalized with bruises and welts.
So what happens now? I'm no celebrity and I'm certainly not a lawyer - I don't even watch SVU on TV (culturally irrelevant, that's me!) - but I have been a victim of dating violence. And I did what only about 5 percent of victims but 100% of feminists say to do: I pressed charges and took my boyfriend to court, eventually sending him to prison for felony sexual abuse. It remains to be seen if Rihanna will press charges (although the state can press charges independent of her) so I thought I'd offer my perspective on what it's like to Do the Right Thing.
Dear Rihanna,Here's what happens if you take Chris to court: basically, you're eviscerated. What, your victims right's advocate didn't tell you about that? I'm not surprised. Despite her title, she doesn't work for you. She works for the prosecution. And they don't work for you either. Nor do the police. All those folks are just there to enforce the laws of the nation. Dealing with the myriad of feelings most victims experience just makes the whole affair messy. Which isn't to say that they don't want you to cry. Your tears only help their case. But make no mistake: it is their case they are worried about, not you.
The fun starts when the police take your statement. You may have already given one. It's the part where you tell your story and hope that it makes some kind of sense based on your fragmented and emotionally charged memories. I hope you did a good job because they'll tear it to pieces later. In fact, seeing as he was/is your boyfriend, you'll probably tear it to pieces later yourself, wondering if things really were as bad as they seemed at the time.
Which is when you'll pull out the pictures. Undoubtedly someone will have taken photos for evidence. Your bruises. Your blood. Your torn clothing. His wounds. His weapon. The crime scene. You might throw up. You might just be numb. Although from my experience, the real fear and anger don't kick in for months later. The physical evidence will eventually fade away - you do have marvelous skin; I'm sure it heals quickly - but the photos will be there lest you forget.
Next up is your testimony. You probably thought you were done with your affidavit - the one you signed with hands shaking so badly your kindergarten teacher wouldn't recognize your signature. But unless he plea bargains out early, you'll be stuck repeating your version of the events. And it will always be called that: "your version." It's not the truth. It's merely the truth as you see it. Or thought you saw it. Obviously you were upset so, you know, you might have missed a few things. Which of course you did. You're only human. The self-doubt, incidentally, will be the only emotion that the prosecution will not allow you to show.
And so you will tell your version to tape recorders, to lawyers for both the prosecution and the defense, to assistants, to your mother, to the court reporter. You will say it both on the stand and laying on the floor. And - this being the part I can't imagine having to deal with - to the public via television, radio and print interviews. Everyone will ask you questions. Some will sympathize with Brown. I'm telling you this as a girlfriend. It doesn't matter how clear-cut your case is - and domestic violence is often anything but - there will be people that think you brought it on yourself. That somehow, somewhere there is something terrible enough you could have said or done (and you know those rumors have already started and are flying fast and furious courtesy of the Internet) that would justify a sound beating.
But tune them out, sister, because many of us will sympathize with you. There are so many of us that have been in your bandage (dress). So many of us that have taken it and blamed ourselves and blamed him and blamed the universe before finally taking the matter into our own hands.
And that's the beauty of this country. We have that right. You may not choose to press charges. You may even choose to stay with him (took me two "incidents" to finally leave my boyfriend so you'll get no judgment from me.) But you have the option of pursuing legal action. Should you do it?
Many people - who are not in your stilettos - will tell you absolutely. That you must. That you owe it to the other women out there who could be harmed by him in the future or the girls who've taken it in silence from him in the past. I'm telling you that it's hell. It was the worst and hardest thing I've ever done. The court case in its long protracted goriness scarred me worse than the actual assaults did. I regret it even now, five years later.
And yet I wouldn't take it back. I'd do it again if I had to. Whatever you decide to do, all of us who've been there will back you up. It's not an easy choice. I'm not trying to tell you what to do; I just wanted to let you know what you're in for.
PS> I know. I wish Olivia Benson were real too. Then I might actually watch the show.
Follow Charlotte Hilton Andersen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/CharlotteGFE
No matter how hard it seems, take action. It's the best way to overcome powerlessness. It doesn't have to be a huge action, especially if you're really scared. Start off as small as you have to. Your abuser doesn't like it when you wear red clothes? Fine, take a red pen and draw a heart on a piece of paper, and remind yourself that you like red, there's nothing wrong with red. Next, buy some ice cream with strawberries. Or a greeting card with a rose. Every time you take an action, no matter how small it might seem, you're strengthening yourself. You'll become strong enough to reach out to others and accept the help they can give you. Eventually, taking action will become a habit, and you will have gained the strength you need to do whatever you have to do next.
And thank you for your heroism. Doing the right thing resonates for eternity, and has a million positive facets. You know I'm not a mystic -- I'm talking real-world, practical, everyday benefits for the people you love and people you'll never know but who are part of a gregarious network of story tellers and example followers.
It seems that the reason to take an abuser to court is to hold him accountable in a very public way- which is a good thing if you have the stomach for it. Another way is to tell his family and friends and publicize the behavior in social circles...sharing it and not keeping it a secret diminishes his power. Of course this is done as part of breaking up...not continuing together. Yet some women stay with men that have "reformed" and I am not saying the reform is not genuine but the trust is too fundamentally compromised- how one can feel safe is beyond me.
I never reported my abuse -- it escalated quite rapidly, and involved financial, physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. I was lucky. I escaped. When I was thrown to the wall or the floor and strangled and assaulted, I was finally able to make a plan to get out of there. It started to dawn on me what was happening and I started to read about domestic violence, the signs, and how to get out.
When he bought me a puppy, I worried. A short time later, in a fit of anger, he grabbed the puppy and threw him and I heard him shriek. My abuser was doing almost all of the things that the domestic violence literature listed and I felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner. The shame never goes away but kind of fades. No one really seems to understand, except other women or loved ones who've witnessed this.
The system for counseling seems set up for low-income women, and, as a woman from the middle class, I felt unsupported and ignored. The services available are spotty and inconsistent.
People seem to be most shocked by physical abuse, though the abuse that leaves the most scars are the non-physical ones. There were people who felt that I bore some of the blame, but they were not there for the gas-lighting, controlling, crazy-making behavior, and the constant surveillance that makes the victim appear the aggressor.
This is not a married couple domestic violence case where you are still tied together legally until a divorce is granted.
Lovers don't assault each other except maybe during kinky sex.
I am very strongly opposed to violence in all forms. However, the solution that the states have come up with for domestic violence isn't working. There are new innovative approaches that seem promising though.
Linda Mills, who is an expert in the field, wrote an excellent new book called "Violent Partners" on domestic violence and new ways of dealing with it.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Best wishes to you.
There's no telling what happened in that car. If it turns out that SHE actually assaulted him (with a razor, knife..etc) , will you extend a letter of encouragement to him as well ??
If it comes out that she abused HIM can we expect an open lette urging young Chris to press charges ?
Methinks not.
"People" such as you are just what Ms. Anderson was writing about.
Thanks for illustrating.
I have posted encouraging her to do whatever it takes but you say:
"The court case in its long protracted goriness scarred me worse than the actual assaults did. I regret it even now, five years later. And yet I wouldn't take it back. I'd do it again if I had to."
You say you REGRET it then say you "wouldn't take it back" HUH?
I intentionally wrote the contradiction into my letter because a lot of victims - although I won't speak for anyone but myself - experience a lot of conflicting and ambivalent feelings. And yet nobody acknowledges that you can feel both ways at the same time. That's part of what makes it so awful. Clear things up at all?
Thanks for your comment:)
Takes all the pre-judging out of what appears to be a complicated situation.
Also - and I'm sure you already know this - most men are larger and stronger than most women. I'm not denying that some men have been abused by women but the vast majority of the time it is the opposite.