Dear Scarlett Johansson,
You are one talented and beautiful girl. There are not many women who could simultaneously capture the hearts of both Woody Allen and Justin Timberlake. And by all accounts you seem smart and savvy to boot. Plus you manage to keep your panties on and out of rehab. But I am not writing you today to discuss your impressive IMDb profile. I am concerned about your self image. Anyone who reads the press about you knows there is one constant in every article -- your supposed chub. You are often highlighted as "healthy" (Hollywood code for "likes her ice cream"), "curvy", "voluptuous", and the worst of all insults a "regular, normal-sized girl."
Granted, most of us would love to have any of those descriptions attached to us. So what's my problem? You're not! I'm sure you are healthy in a webMD sense but certainly not in the way that reporters mean it. You partly earn that curvy label by your impressive chest. But I feel compelled to inform you that you are not a "regular girl." You may not be a size 2. Although if you shopped at The Gap instead Givenchy, like a "normal girl" I'm sure you'd wear a size 0 with ease. But even in designer sizes I'm willing to bet you'd don't exceed a size 4. Sweetie, "normal" in the United States is a size 10.
The sad part is that all of this seems to have sunk into your beautiful head as you often use the same misguided lexicon to describe yourself. "I don't need to be skinny to be sexy," you parrot dutifully. You're right, of course. You don't need to be skinny to be sexy -- you exude sex appeal like Axe body spray exudes smarminess. But girlfriend, you are skinny. Big boobs do not make you fat.
Queen Latifah is plus-sized and proud of it. Jennifer Hudson is beautifully normal. But Scarlett? You are a thin, gorgeous, bombshell. Just embrace it and stop with the name calling. Because every time you call yourself fat, you're calling the rest of us stupid.