7-Up. Condoms. Levis. Condoms. XBOX 360. More Condoms. Beer. And... Viagra.
No, this isn't Bill Clinton's shopping list. These are just some of the products whose commercials have been recently banned. And I have no idea why. Help me sort through these and figure out what got them axed:
In this Durex one - indisputably the kings of tasteless marketing - a woman is rushed by her date's sperm, personified, only to be rescued by a giant sperm/man-eating condom. The lil' swimmers are wearing fluffy white costumes that I originally mistook for candies (insert Freudian weirdness here). And no, they're not CGI. Somebody - many somebodies apparently - got paid to dress up like sperm. There's no sex in this commercial but the dude does look at some lingerie-clad, headless mannequins... to check his hair in the store glass. It's worth watching just to see the expression on the woman's face. So why the ban? I'm voting for rank misuse of costumed extras. Seriously, how do those guys put that on their resume?
Upping the strange ante is 7-Up. A single woman alone at a truck stop diner is approached by a Lorenzo Lamas type (except dirtier. And creepier. If that's possible.) who gives her an open drink. Since this is not a commercial for roofies, the girl agrees to drink it. The man stops her and puts two straws in the top - awww... sock hop meets Scream!. As they both lean in to drink it, the girl head butts the man, knocks him unconscious and claims the drink as her own. Refreshing! No word on where she went next seeing as LL is only going to be unconscious for so long and we still haven't resolved why she is stuck at the diner in the first place. Maybe she's planning to be a Hitchhiker! Why the ban? My vote is too many creepy cliches in one spot. Spread the love around 7-Up!
And getting my vote for awesomest banned commercial of the evening is this one for the XBOX 360. People pulling finger guns on each other (don't make that dirty, it's as innocent as a puppy. With a pistol.) take over a crowded subway a la The Matrix. There is air "grenade" throwing, double-barreled "shotguns", finger "uzis" and an amazing display of Kung-Foo'ery - all set to peppy Jazz music! Violence, blah, blah, blah. I'm totally rounding up some friends to make a tribute video tonight. So why the ban? Um, jealousy?
But this IKEA one? Completely deserves the ban. Not for inappropriate use of a minor child or for condoning neglect but because - seriously - putting your baby in a laundry basket is probably safer than an IKEA crib. Easier too. The laundry basket comes assembled.
How will Donald Trump’s first 100 days impact YOU? Subscribe, choose the community that you most identify with or want to learn more about and we’ll send you the news that matters most once a week throughout Trump’s first 100 days in office. Learn more