Kids on Kitchen Patrol

"I'm washing the dishes after dinner," announces R.J., my nine-year-old son, out of nowhere.

My husband Ron's fork freezes midair.

"G-r-e-a-t," I say in a measured way, going for perfect phonetics rather than shocked stutter. After all, there is a first time for everything: first smile, first word, first step...first dishwashing experience?

R.J. tucks into his spaghetti and meatballs with unnerving gusto.

When I was dating, a married friend told me if a man offers to help with chores, you always say, "Yes, please" and never correct them, even if said male hot-washes your best white shirt with a load of colors. Just put on the tie-dyed number, flip up the collar and give thanks. My boy is a little man. I want him to grow to be a big man who takes his share of housework and lets his cuffs get dirty. I do not have soiled laundry tonight but I do have greasy dishes.

One of R.J.'s favorite stories growing up was Beatrix Potter's The Tale of Mrs. Tittlemouse about a mouse who did an awful lot of cleaning. Having said this, R.J. is not terribly tidy, but he is the only kid I know who asked Santa for a 3-foot folding plastic sign with CAUTION Wet Floor Cuidado Piso Mojado imprinted on it. What I did not anticipate was that he would be vigorously dumping hot water onto the tiled floor while doing the dishes in order to use it.

I stay out of the kitchen. The flailing stick figure in the red triangle will not be me. Let it be a father-son thing. I step away from the loaded sponge and retreat from the soapy trenches without saying a word.

Boys and men need to do more housework. Despite the sexual revolution, the traditional division of labor-at-home remains firmly entrenched in our society. Even the full-time working mothers I know, who do not work part-time from home as I do, end up carrying the brunt of chores or the brunt of organizing someone else -- a nanny, a cleaner, an au pair -- to do them. I cannot explain this, but I can help form my son. Women should not be the sole guardians and lone enforcers of domestic chores!

Washing up seems like a good place to start. First, because of R.J.'s childlike enthusiasm, second, because it is relatively risk free -- generic IKEA plates are a lot cheaper to replace than French poplin shirts -- and third, because his dad is an excellent role model.

Ron, one of three siblings, grew up in America doing chores. I grew up in Iran, also the eldest of three, with household help. I had not dipped a finger in dirty dishwater, let alone scrubbed an encrusted pot, until after the 1979 Islamic Revolution. My husband happily helps with chores as needed. Because he is the primary breadwinner in our family, I tend to do more during the week, but he picks up the slack on the weekends -- or if am not in the mood.

Tonight, Ron instructs R.J. on the necessary elements of dish duty. Privately, he claims I do not always do a thorough washing up job. I just did not start early enough, I suspect. But our son learns to scrape, soak, soap, scrub, and rinse, then dry with a dishtowel.

After that, R.J. is Kitchen Alone.

On my final peek-in, I decide Martha Stewart would die. Real Simple would balk at the wet clumps of paper towel, the wedding-cake-gone-awry piles of dishes, not to mention the sopping dishtowels dangling from cabinets like dismal Christmas tree decorations. Consumer Reports would correctly state that the spray nozzle attachment on the sink was not designed with children in mind.

I tiptoe away as the sink overflows with suds, my heart with pride.

"I'm done," shouts R.J. a little later, peeling off my soaked inside-and-out rubber gloves.

"Thanks," I say back at my threshold perch, "How about I run you a bath--or have you already had one?"

"Mom," he says, laughing.

After R.J. is safely in the tub, I quickly load the dishwasher with still-slimy dishes; put up the clean ones; swipe the floor a fraction drier with the one sorry-but-determined remaining flap of paper towel, the kind that shreds on the brown paper roll. Oops, a lump of squished meat sticks to my shoe. But all I can think is my son washed up.

Someday, I know his girlfriend or wife will thank me.

Follow Charlotte Safavi on Twitter: www.twitter.com/charlottesafavi

Comments

[girlwithgreeneyes]

Another wise and funny article. Today at a corporate retreat for work there was a whole presentation on the problems of "Millenials" basically the children of the baby boomers being pampered self involved wimps who are driving corporations across the country crazy because they wouldn't work hard. Because I was an early follower of the chore patrol I raised a 29 and a 26 year old who to quote one son "work as hard as Salvadoreans" and keep their apartments clean. The 29 year old is straight but will only have female roommates because he can't stand what pigs men are. Whatever your little boys do to clean up PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE. Your future daughter-in-laws will love you and you won't get stuck with your sons again when they move back after the divorce.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Hmm. Getting stuck with sons after the divorce, didn't think of that. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE. Thanks for sharing!

[Meghan Allen]

What an enjoyable article! RJ will make a fine boyfriend and husband indeed. He is growing into a fine young man.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

One would hope. I just feel it's never to early to start training!

[Jaleh Etemad]

I loved the article Charlotte Safavi has written in Huffpost. I am very proud of my daughter. she really is a great story teller.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Mom!

[Marcijo]

Yay Charlotte. Another fine article. Yeah, you'll definitely be doing his girlfriend and wife a HUGE favor. Good for you guys!

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for sharing! 14, hmmm. I think you need to start them young...on the other hand it's never too late, you just might have to pay her!

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Appreciate it as always!

[gbenest]

Charlotte - Very inspiring article. I can't get my 14-year-old daughter to do a lick of housework around the house. Maybe if I had boys?

[gbenest]

Charlotte - very inspiring article about kids on patrol. I wish I could get my 14-year-old daughter to do a lick of housework around the house. Maybe if I had boys?

[h0tr0d]

This seems to be a very one sided conversation. Shouldnt we encourage our girls to do the heavy lifting of our "male" roles ? You know, mow the lawn, take out the trash, repair the car, weed, edge, paint, finish the basement, rake the leaves. This may be shocking to you that when accounting for work at home and at the office men and women do equal amounts of work. That suggests to me we need to demand women work more hours in the office, and definitely contribute more financially (pay their 50% of all bills), too. That may mean stop choosing careers that pay less...suck it up....

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your comments. I agree with you that this is one-sided conversation in that it's based on my unique family situation: I have a son, not a daughter; I am a freelance writer and a stay-at-home mother. (Certainly, if I had a daughter, I would want her to contriubute to chores--tr­aditionall­y male ones are fine.) As I mentioned, many of my friends, who are working mothers, do end up being responsible for housework/domestic issues. I'm just saying raising a kid who does chores, be it a boy or a girl, means that they'll pitch in as a grownup. I expect you do.

[Jennifer Evans Gardner - Huffpost Blogger]

I can't resist... most of the men I know who work in offices don't do any of those chores! They have gardeners, handymen, mechanics, etc. to mow the lawn, take out the trash, repair the car, weed, etc. I remember my grandfather and father doing those things, but today, that is really rare! My son takes the trash out as one of his "chores," and I'm the one who does most of the little repairs and painting, and that's on top of working at home as a writer/cooking school instructor­/full-time mom... oh, and I buy all the gifts, do the holiday cards, plan the birthday parties, etc. etc. (and I still have time to comment on Huff Post articles :). I agree that we need to teach girls to do these things as well, but I still applaud Charlotte for encouraging her boy to help in the kitchen. It's all good...

[yasminz]

Another great read! I can totally relate, as I too have two boys ( 10 and 12).

Any opportunity to see them participate in household chores is one not to be missed.

Beautiful life lessons (not to mention self-esteem builders) that will one day make them equal partners, and cherished husbands :-)

Keep writing... your posts are addictive!

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for sharing! Good point about help with chores building self-esteem, never thought of it that way but it's true.

[ricelaker]

I had 6 sisters and 5 brothers. Mom taught all of us guys how to do some cooking and many, many dishes. The boys did a lot of housework when we were growing up. I don't like to cook but I can. Our daughters did the dishes after our meals. A rule in our house is that one who cooks does not do the dishes. Our daughters are out on their own now and I do the dishes. I also taught my daughters to change tires and to change oil in their cars. Charlotte, I love your everyday living messages that reach me in a very human and real way.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks! You're one step ahead of me. I like the one who cooks doesn't wash rule...hmmm, I think my husband and son have been getting off lightly.

[Jennifer Evans Gardner - Huffpost Blogger]

I love this! What a great husband RJ is going to be someday! Not only that, but what a great self-esteem and confidence booster. You are wise to understand the importance of kids doing chores. So well written, too - thanks for the laugh!

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Jennifer. Let's hope he keeps doing it!