When it comes to back-room political intrigue, it takes quite a bit to raise the collective eyebrow of the public; we're just about desensitized at this point to even the most underhanded of machinations.
That said, a story that broke over the weekend concerning John Edwards's mercifully ill-fated presidential campaign is really a bit of a shocker. Apparently, while many of the rank and file within the Edwards camp knew nothing about the illicit affair their candidate was carrying on with one of his videographers, the upper echelon of the campaign did know. What's more, they were so concerned about the potentially devastating impact that the scandal would have on both the country and the Democratic Party that they created a "Doomsday Plan," plotting in secret to actually scuttle their own campaign, should it have started to look as if Edwards might win the nomination. The question of course is: how? How would they have sabotaged their candidate's political ambitions?
Here now, twelve of the ideas tossed around by the shadowy Fifth Columnists within the Edwards camp to bring down their leader.
1. Try out a new campaign slogan: "John Edwards: No One Will Better Service Your Family."
2. Go retro: Plant explosives in his cigars (after first getting him to start smoking cigars).
3. According to an analysis of the plans they'd acquired, the only way to destroy Edwards would be to maneuver down a trench and locate a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. The shaft below leads directly to his reactor system. It's only two meters wide, so they'd have to use proton torpedoes.
4. "I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who's in the 'pest removal' business."
5. Six words: Senior Edwards Campaign Manager Mark Penn.
6. They weren't sure, but they knew it would be called "Operation Vidal-kyrie" and would involve putting his hair somewhere near an open flame.
7. Gather the Seven Daggers of Megiddo. Kill Damien Thorn before he can rise to power and defeat the Nazarene.
8. You know that Ann Coulter-faggot thing? Totally true.
Set up an intervention with Bill Clinton.
10. Quietly book him and Elizabeth for one of those Maury show paternity tests. Tell him it's a campaign stop aimed at nailing down the "unemployed wigger" constituency.
11. Arrange a little hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
12. Fuck it, just tell the nearest reporter that Edwards has been doing some skank.