With the ever-rising body count of print newspapers, venues for Dear Abby-type advice columns are quickly disappearing. Where or where will the weak-minded turn for fortune-cookie wisdom in a wicked world? Why, to me at the Huffington Post, of course.
Dear Chipster,
I recently took a job with a Real Nice Company, in fact, I was elected their CEO. But ever since I took over there, it seems that all they've tried to do is undermine my authority and I think they're even going to fire me. I was always outspoken, upbeat, a little irreverent and from the street. I tried just a little to move to the middle.
Now they all seem to be listening to a self-appointed consultant instead of me as to how this Real Nice Company should be. This outsized loudmouthed radio jerk is reinforcing the mistakes of the old-boy network.
It would be nice to get any advice from you as to what to do. (signed) Man of Steele
Dear Rusty,
First of all stop talking in rhyme all the time. Rapping will not attract new young talent to your Real Nice Company and will simply annoy your current board. It makes you look like MC Stepin Fetchit, or the kindly face of Uncle Ben on a box of the same old plain white rice.
Which may be your problem. It sounds as though you were brought on appearing to be a fresh black face but in fact to be the fall guy. Kind of an Affirmative Action Hudsucker Proxy. My advice to you is to make like Tim Robbins: jump left and hope that Moses can save you. The radio guy may have a song about that.
And nominate Alan Keyes as your successor. That'll fix 'em.
(signed) da Chipster
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Dear Chipster,
I've been in a long-term relationship with a girl, Dolly Jones (NOT her real name) and lately she seems real down. I've always been her biggest defender, supporter, cheerleader and shoulder to cry on. She's had her mood swings before, but she really seems headed to a major depression.
All this has left me kind of blue myself. Everyone is laughing at me for taking everything Dolly says at face value, for insisting she's up when she's down and for building my whole life around her. They don't understand that the good times with her are REAL GOOD. I've got too much invested in her to give up now.
Any ideas how to make everyone understand that? (signed) Can't No Body Care?
Dear CNBC,
It's time for a little tough love. It's not a sign of love to be Dolly's enabler, but rather a sign of weakness. What she needs from you is a dose of objective criticism. It's the only way to salvage your relationship, as well as your self-esteem and the respect of your peers. I suggest that you grow a pair and stage an intervention. There's a wonderful facilitator, Dr. Jonathon Stuart Leibowitz, who specializes in cases like this. He Shows Daily, Monday thru Thursday. I'd book now.
Also, stop with the kinky derivative stuff, that's just unnatural.
(signed) da Chipster
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Dear Chipster,
I'm recently retired and I'm already having a hard time adjusting to the slower pace of life. When I was in the thick of things it was crazy fast. I'd ride my bike places, work out a couple of times a day, clear some brush, go on long lunches and really long vacations and stay up real late at night, sometimes even past 10 o'clock.
Now it's just not the same. I sold my ranch. I'm gonna go to Canada, but that's nothing special, it's like going to Wisconsin. I could write my memoirs, but my old friend Karen doesn't have time for me right now. In fact, none of my old friends do. They're going around saying nice things about me, but they never call.
What's up with all this? (signed) World Wearied
Dear W. Bushed,
Now that you don't have any actual work to be shirking, all your formerly fun work-avoidance tactics will seem very hollow and unfulfilling. I suggest you find a nice hobby or small business to keep yourself occupied. That would give new bounce to your step. I hear SMU in Dallas has some space available, why don't you open that comic book store you always wanted to?
As to your friends, well, if they have no time for you now, they never really were your friends, were they? The only reason they're saying such nice things about you is so that they don't look like COMPLETE dolts for hanging with your lazy ass for the last 8 years. You should realize that there's nothing more useless than an idiot without a village.
And your father STILL will never love you.
(signed) da Chipster
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