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Ann Coulter Kills at Her Father's Funeral
Ann Coulter's father John died last week, and this week she honored his memory with a column containing not one, but two Ted Kennedy jokes. I know I'd be proud.
Hahaha! Ted Kennedy! Back me up, mourners! I know you're out there - I can hear you breathing! Unlike dad! That lady in the shroud... she knows what I'm talking about!
Such is a daughter's grief. Think of her, then, as Ophelia with her violetless garlands, crossed with a real fucking hack.
But where's the Hillary material? Come on. It's right in front of you, Ann -- dad's dead... Hillary cries... you do the math.
Clearly, Ann's not at the top of her game. So I've taken the liberty of going through the eulogy -- cutting the Kennedy material -- and punching up the rest.
--
The longest baby ever born at the Albany, N.Y., hospital, at least as of May 5, 1926, who grew up to be my strapping father, passed away last Friday morning.
And by "strapping" I mean, "he beat me with a strap."
As Mother and I stood at Daddy's casket Monday morning, Mother repeated his joke to him, which he said on every wedding anniversary until a few years ago when Lewy bodies dementia prevented him from saying much at all: "54 years, married to the wrong woman." And we laughed.
Because he was dead.
John Vincent Coulter was of the old school, a man of few words, the un-Oprah, no crying or wearing your heart on your sleeve, and reacting to moments of great sentiment with a joke. Or as we used to call them:
Assholes.
Men.
When he was moping around the house once, missing my brother who had just gone back to college, he said, "Well, if you had cancer long enough, you'd miss it."
Unlike Lewy bodies dementia, apparently.
He'd indicate his feelings about my skirt length by saying,
I can see your balls.
"You look nice, Hart, but you forgot to put on your skirt."
Your parents are your whole world when you are a child.
Especially when other children avoid you out of instinct.
You only recognize what is unique about them when you get older and see how the rest of the world diverges from your standard of normality.
Or the cops come.
Besides being very funny, Father had an absolutely straight moral compass without ever being preachy or judgmental or even telling us in words.
If you call a five-decade joke about hating his wife, another about his son being like cancer, and another based on looking at his daughter's ass "funny."
Father hated puffery, pomposity, snobbery, fake friendliness, fake anything. Like Kitty's father in "Anna Karenina," he could detect a substanceless suitor in a heartbeat.
"War on the one hand is such a terrible, such an atrocious thing, that no man, especially no Christian man, has the right to assume the responsibility of beginning it." - Tolstoy
"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." - Some Fatherless Creep
He hated unions because of their corrupt leadership, ripping off the members for their own aggrandizement.
I know I'm forgetting some of the other things he hated, but you're starting to get the picture. Oh yeah, yogurt. Hated it. And mom.
But he had more respect for genuine working men than anyone I've ever known. He was, in short, the molecular opposite of John Edwards.
John Edwards being alive.
Father spent most of his nine-year FBI career as a Red hunter in New York City.
Where Stalin had sent his legions to steal the secrets of Broadway's Golden Era.
He never talked much about his FBI days.
Or dressing like a woman.
Father mostly had contempt for Soviet spies.
Reserving "hate" for unions, snobs, phonies, mom and us kids. Think of him as a kind of grown up Holden Caulfield, crossed with Hitler. Hitler Caulfield. The Catcher in the Rhine. This guy in the front row, he gets it!
In the early 1980s, as vice president and labor lawyer for Phelps Dodge copper company, Father broke a strike against the company ... Every day, Father walked with the strikebreakers through the picket line, (in my mind) brushing egg off his suit lapel.
And his skirt.
By 1986 it was over; the mineworkers voted against the union and Phelps Dodge was saved. For any liberals still reading, this is what's known as a "happy ending."
Not as happy as this funeral. But happy.
Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan.
"Hey, Ron, is it always this hot in here?"
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Ha! Well, one thing is confirmed: liberals love reading Ann Coulter's columns every bit as much as real Americans do.
:-) They're half way there, and living on a prayer.
There's nothing controversial about this column. It's just another example of a liberal being duped into helping Ann Coulter confirm that everything she says about liberals is absolutely true.
Ann publishes a column correctly observing that Democrats use "victims" to push their agenda as a cover to immunize the message from criticism, and what do liberals do? Scream bloody murder from coast to coast--HOW COULD SHE!--because the Jersey Girls are presumptively immune from any and all criticism no matter what their message because of their victim status. Ann says it, liberals confirm it.
The same is true here. Ann has been publishing wildly successful columns and books for years pointing out the vicious tactics liberals invented for the very purpose of destroying the message of their political opponents by attacking their opponents personally (and with no boundaries or limits whatsoever). Now, thanks to Chris Kelly, anyone who doubted her hypothesis need only read this column for confirmation.
Liberals have been saying for years that Ann's career is "over" and that she's "irrelevant" (even while her books top the NYT bestseller list) but that's only because they WANT that to be true. What they're too obtuse to see is that Coulter will only become truly irrelevant on the day that liberals stop reacting to her columns in precisely the way that she predicts they will, and with methods that conclusively prove the point she was trying to make in the first place.
It's liberals acting like liberals that ensures Coulter's viability, not conservatives.
Wow, Ann Coulter is a perfect melding of the Stockholm Syndrome and the Electra Complex. Her father was a bitter, bullying, ridiculing, spiteful man towards his family. Ann, in her Electra adoration for Dad, identifies with him and as her Stockholm Syndrome self, she takes on his hatred as her own. She takes on his hatred for families (she has created none of her own), for unions, for working men and women who didn't wear suits like dear old dad did, and for "namby pamby weepy" people who choose not to be mere embittered remnants of humanity like dear old you-know-who was.
No wonder she is such a truly awful person. The lemon didn't fall far from the tree.
Yeah, Ann Coulter aint a sentimental gal.
But I wouldn't mess with her. She's dangerous with a capital D. I wouldn't go within a mile of her without a steel cup.
But it's funny how the death of a parent sometimes changes people. Maybe Ann Coulter will suddenly become sweet and compassionate now that her father has died.
But I doubt it.
But I must admit, as much as I despise her, she IS hot.
Republican daddies seem like they are funny guys-- who needs a dad who takes himself so seriously? I think that after 50 years the anniversary joke was appropos--
Too funny. Just the response Ann needed.
I urge everybody to take Matthews off your DVR/TIVO and let MSNBC know you are doing this. Hurt him where it hurts ... his ratings. Let's get rid of this Fascist ... once and for all.
mean spirited but ... so ... so ... so deserved.
Chris- your article was the best laugh I have had in a while. I had to remind myself that I feel soory for miss Ann. Everyone goes through terrible things in their childhood, and she obviously had her share, but what I want to ask her is why she is doing to others what was done to her instead of choosing to change the chain of bullying,hate, fear and humilation.
This is the problem I have with George Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and the rest of these fear biters (as in mistreated dogs), they can't think or act clearly because they are acting out of fear.
Its like they are the modern Midas- selling our natual resources, and land off to any bidders, then bleeding the coffers dry. There plan is??? they are going to take all their money and go where???
I wish we did have travel the speed of light. Maybe resonable people could convince them with some of that science-y stuff that they can go there and escape.
Its not what people say but what they do. These are not actions of people who care about this country.
I don't get any of this
Holy Crap! This pretty much explains why Mann Coulter is such a bigoted idiot...
What kind of sick bunch is this so called family?? That includes Daddy dearest.... Just plain strange and this may explain Ann and her bitterness.
Ann Coulter did a column containing GOP shtick and guttersniping when she was eulogizing her own father??
What a heartless, self aggrandizing bitch.
I'm so glad she represents "the other side."
What a national embarrassment she is.
Has anyone read what some of the conservative and evangelical bloggers said about this "eulogy?" "Moving" and "touching" were frequent adjectives. To me, such descriptors are baffling. The whole thing is a look into Coulter's disturbing childhood. I mean, isn't calling your parents "Mother" and "Father" enough evidence to show the subconscious distance you felt from them? With this "eulogy," Coulter somehow strikes the bizarre combination of being infinitely prudish, snobbish, and heartbreaking all at once. I guess it's "touching" to me too, but not for the same reasons that those who embrace Coulter's twisted patriarchal political, social, and religious ideology believe.
Having recently lost my beloved father I really don't know why I laughed at this .....yes I do, it was hilarious and my dad despised Coulter as much as I do.
Hey Ron, is it always this hot in here?
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