Christ, Not Again. Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment Puts Florida in Play

Florida4Marriage sounds like the worst boy band of all time, but it turns out it's not. It's a Republican front group, run by a personal injury lawyer, to lure gay-hating boobs into the voting booths next November.

Florida4Marriage, and its chairman, John Stemberger (a recognized leader in rental car accident law) are the people behind Florida's new Marriage Protection Amendment, and yesterday they finally got the signatures they need to put it on the 2008 ballot.

So come on down! And while you're in there, marking the magic X that proves you're not a homo -- and that your life wasn't a squalid waste of everyone's time, because at least you got yerself hitched -- why not also vote for a Republican president?

Something for you. Something for the GOP. It's a get-out-the-vote win/win.

Anti-gay amendments are the Happy Meal toy of Republican politics.

This new one reads:

"Inasmuch as marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

(Yes, the dependent clause could be read to invalidate a few centuries of common law marriages between straight people, but don't worry. That's just because it was written by a lawyer whose field of expertise is suing the Orlando Hertz if you accidentally slam your dick in the door. Besides, it's not meant to be a practical. It's just a con.)

Now I know what you're thinking: Why doesn't a nice place like Florida already have a law making sure that lesbians know they're not as good as women who get fucked with penises, and that they never forget it? Well, it does. It's already illegal for gay people to get married in Florida.

And there's also the Federal Defense of Marriage Act. It applies to Florida too, just like all the other Federal statutes, not including the ones about counting all the votes.

What Florida doesn't have is a constitutional amendment. And until they get one, there's nothing standing between those damn gays and the sweetest fruit of all -- a lifelong monogamous bond with one other person. Forever. And ever. Always the same. Until you're dead.

When they should be in a men's room in Titusville, letting state Rep. Robert "Bob" Allen (R-Merritt) suck them off.

The last thing I want to be is partisan, so it's probably a little unfair to suggest that this whole thing is just a political loss leader for the Republican presidential candidate to get the hateful simpleton vote. I only think that because I'm an old cynic, and John Stemberger is the former political director of the state party, and the party provided the majority of the funding ($300,000) for Florida4Marriage.

In the spirit of fairness, here's Jesse Phillips of Metro Life Church:

"My friend John Stemberger's efforts to save marriage is closing in on an important milestone. They are only 13,000 ballots away from the required 611,000+ needed to put a marriage ammendment (sic) on the ballot for the 2008 elections.



The amendment would change Florida's constitution to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman, so that marriage cannot be defined in ways that the Bible forbids, and so that marriages and families can be protected by state law. 



If you are a Florida resident and have not signed a ballot, please go to www.Florida4Marriage.org and find out what you can do to help these last minute efforts to get the ballot past." (sic)

The Bible forbids? Why didn't you just say that in first place?

--

Why does Florida need the amendment now? Because John Stemberger knows gays are infernally clever. He's met Mitch McConnell. His amendment is pre-emptive; it isn't about taking away their rights, it's about taking away their rights to take away your rights, by potentially challenging those other laws in the future.

As Stemberger explains:

"They should not be granted special rights to fundamentally redefine this basic human institution and then force that definition upon the rest of society through unelected, activist judges."

At, you know, some point, in the future, like.

It's sort of like Iran's nukes. Just because there isn't a threat doesn't mean there's no reason to panic.

Comments

[jimdiorio]

Hi Chris.

Merry Christmas to you and all the fightin' Kellys.

Jim

[PeteBogs]

I'm still not sure that marriage needs "protection" of any kind... are straight marriages going to stop or be in any way harmed by gay marriages???

[maestra1985]

If any Floridians want to see who has signed this petition to write discrimination into the Florida Constitution, go to lovethyneighbor.org.

I am a gay Floridian, and am just waiting for the day I can get the hell out of here (7 years till the pension kicks in and I am gone). My partner want to resettle in a place where we are treated with respect by others, unlike the redneck, Bible-thumpers who sadly populate Florida these days. The Republican party and their cronies have ruined this state in more ways than one.

If you are thinking about moving to Florida, and you happen to be gay....DON­'T! The warm weather is not worth it.

[Slpeasy]

It never ceases to amaze me that gay men and women can inspire such hatred and prejudice. I hope this silly fearmongering will backfire though there are always some who buy into this crap. Instead of worrying about our astronomical divorce rate, children born out of wedlock, domestic violence, and so on these silly efforts go on. It's all about scaring people and getting them out to vote.

[roger3815]

And while we are at it, let's pass a law that gays must wear burkas so ordinary straights won't have to be subjected to the reality that gays exist.

[2warvet]

So what you are saying is that you want to inflict your will over the will of the people. I also love the personal attacks on Christians and anyone else who disagrees with the gay life style as "gay-hating boobs." If you could have forwarded an argument without the personal attacks you may have gone further to making your point.

As a Christian I don't hate gays but I don't agree with their life style either. That doesn't make me a homophobe, that just means that I have a different opinion.

And as of Friday 14 December the marriage amendment has enough signatures and is on the ballot.

[Jebbushnot]

Virtual Sign at George/Florida border:

"Welcome to Florida
Please turn your watch back 40 years
Jeb Bush still Governor"

[OkieMon]

Question for the choir...if you support gay marriage do you also support bisexual marriage in its fullest sense, with a minimum of three people?

[Qbear]

The MOST powerful weapon gays could weild on the marriage issue is to CEASE all assistance in heterosexual marriages. We won't do your flowers and cakes, we won't cater the f*ckin event, or do the decorations, or plan them or photograph them, or design the gowns, or dress the groomsmen.

In a year you'd be so sick of the UGLY and LAME de-gayed tragic affairs you'd be begging to let us marry.

[ashenthorn]

Anti-gay ballot initiatives are so 2004. The issue has lost its shock value, and thus its effectiveness. This is why the new Republican strategy for 2008 is too characterize undocumented immigrant workers as an invading army (as opposed to just poor folks who want to come here to landscape your property and clean your house for cheap). A Huckabee candidacy would be problematic for them, because he seems dead set on talking about them as though they are people.

[JohnJames]

It's too bad that so many heterosexual progressives haven't seen fit for so many years to embrace, once and for all and without reservation, gay rights. Instead, most have simply stood on the side-lines while the tiny minoriy of open and self-respecting gay people fight the battles themselves. If your concern that allying yourselves openly with us might taint you and, horror of horrors might cause a few to wonder if you're not gay yourselves, then be prepared to lose political battles in regards to what you really care about since conservatives will take advantage of your reticence to use this wedge issue time and again. Gay rights, it's not just for gay people.

[Qbear]

TAKE a good look at yourselves in the mirror Americans, 20 years from now you will be on the WRONG side of the gay marriage issue. You will be remembered as disgustingly as the National Guard barring integrated schools, and your children will think you IGNORANT.

[Qbear]

Here's another Democratic ballot initiative

Any voter kept waiting to vote 4 hours (or over), the state polls stay open 2 additional days, and the Secretary of State is must resign.

This should be on ALL 50 States, but especially Florida and Ohio.

[Cybesq]

Superfund is the federal government's program to clean up the nation's uncontrolled hazardous waste sites.

The entire state of Florida must be declared a Superfund waste site.

Recent spot testing and ballot initiatives have confirmed that a sizeable majority of the population have had an adverse reaction to their Hannitization and have become uncontrollable and hazardous.

Stemberger Syndrome was also rampant in the population camped outside Terri Schiavo's hospital room. It is believed that shortly after Schiavo's feeding tube was removed and her remaining brain cell shut down, these carriers returned to the general population where they were free to fester ala Florida4marriage.

We won't get any Superfunding from the current administration though, they've been living with the same condition for the last 6 years and seem to be in denial about it. We can only hope they have the good sense to wear condoms.

[lovethesinner]

"Anti-gay amendments are the Happy Meal toy of Republican politics."

That is such a great image, Chris. It's so multi-dimensional, and so right on. I can just picture the whole thing:

The manipulation of lazy parents over their unruley and intellectually starved but culturally obese children. The kids tossing the food down only to get at the toy. The fumbling little hands too busy to notice that mommy is about to drive the car off the cliff.

William Saroyan couldn't have said it better. (seriously, I hope you take that as a compliment)

I keep hoping that the kids will gag on it one day, they're certainly never going to notice what's going on.