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Clown Time: James O'Keefe Explains Himself

04/03/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What was James O'Keefe thinking? When he and the inane clown posse got their telephone man costumes out of the Tickle Trunk and went to Mary Landrieu's office to waste a public servant's time -- what was their goal? Why did everyone, even Michelle Malkin, assume he was planting a bug?

(Leading Malkin to write my favorite mental patient comment on the whole thing: "Know your limits. Know the law. Don't get carried away. And don't become what you are targeting." Because that's the real danger, when you're at war with a force of elemental evil like Mary Landrieu: The abyss also looks into you. "Don't become what you're targeting?" You mean like Batman? That's quality crazy. James O'Keefe doesn't wear a Batman costume! Just "Prescott, The Preppie Pimp" and "Mr. Telephone Man.")

If he wasn't planting a bug, what was the Dork Knight's plan? What would have happened had it worked? And why can't anyone, from anywhere on the political spectrum, figure out what the point was?

We knew why Andrew Breitbart couldn't explain it. He's not very smart. But why wouldn't anyone else let us in on the gag? It's not like James O'Keefe doesn't like publicity. James O'Keefe and his gang are a lot like Fight Club, if all Fight Club ever did was talk about Fight Club. So why the mystery?

We could only guess. One theory: James O'Keefe is a twitching rageball and his acts are driven by a sexual frustration so powerful it makes suicide bombers look like Girls Gone Wild. But that's just one theory. I'm not a doctor.

Then, finally, late last week, an explanation from O'Keefe himself:

I learned from a number of sources that many of Senator Landrieu's constituents were having trouble getting through to her office to tell her that they didn't want her taking millions of federal dollars in exchange for her vote on the health care bill. When asked about this, Senator Landrieu's explanation was that, "Our lines have been jammed for weeks." I decided to investigate why a representative of the people would be out of touch with her constituents for "weeks" because her phones were broken. In investigating this matter, we decided to visit Senator Landrieu's district office -- the people's office -- to ask the staff if their phones were working.

Oww, my sides!

A couple of things.

James O'Keefe is protesting/investigating Senator Landrieu's phones. Because The Peoples' calls aren't getting through. Does he know what the word "jammed" means? It seems like the question was: Why can't I scream at you? And the answer was: Our phones have been jammed. You know, with other people screaming. Hence: "Jammed." James O'Keefe either doesn't understand six-letter words (The Brietbart Defense) or he chooses to ignore them.

Second, "we decided to visit Senator Landrieu's district office -- the people's office" is disingenuous to the point of shit-eating. The issue here isn't whether you dropped in, pencilneck; it's whether you dropped in in disguise. Mike Wallace? Over 100,000 years in investigative journalism; never once in costume.

Third: This is about health care reform? I guess she's really asking for it, then. A good man has no choice but to put on play clothes and take the law into his own hands. Some things are worth going to jail for, and I hope you do.

But here's the most troubling question:

What was supposed to happen when O'Keefe's crew proved that the phones worked?

What would the video mean? What does the viewer learn? What's been illuminated? Who's been punked? How is it hilarious?

I keep trying to get this joke and I cannot.

I think this goes beyond politics. We're in real danger of becoming two entirely different species. Animals that understand how this phone stunt would be funny/devastating and animals that don't. Animals that can follow a Glenn Beck flow chart and animals that can't. Animals that think Mary Landrieu is just a mediocre senator and animals that think she's evil and the only question is: does she deserve vigilante justice, or do we let the law take its course?

We're not even speaking the same language anymore.

James Thurber said the first rule of humor was "the reader should be able to find out what the story is about."

James O'Keefe can't even do that.

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