Doug Hoffman Wins an Olympic Gold Medal, Gets Reagan Elected and F***s a Rat

Doug Hoffman is running for Congress on the nonentity ticket. A millionaire accountant who's not even eligible to vote in the district he seeks to serve, Doug has never previously held nor sought elected office. He has no public record of, well, anything. He seems to own cars -- that comes up a lot in his campaign literature -- and I guess that says something. He was in the Army Reserves in the seventies, just like Dan Quayle, but it's unclear if he ever served in an area east of Lake George. He has a full raft of Christian prejudices, but if he's a practicing member of any church, it hasn't come out.

It's not just that he doesn't have a record. He doesn't have dental records.

And, according to 300 people polled by the Club for Growth (the same people who just gave him 300 grand) he's pulling into the lead.

What Doug Hoffman really has is an accountant's willingness to repeat what he's told. Glenn Beck is mad as hell about ACORN? So is Doug Hoffman. The Concerned Women for America don't like abortion? Neither does Doug Hoffman. The Family Research Council hates gay people? So does Doug. Did you bring the check?

No one cares about their accountant's life story. They just need him to get the numbers to work.

Still, it must be hard to get a crowd fired up. Even the name, "Doug." It's like someone started writing "Douglas" and lost interest.

A candidate needs a backstory, if only to prove he wasn't born in Kenya. And here's Doug's, in his own words:

In 1980, I helped Lake Placid with our Olympics when the US beat the Russians in hockey - the same year Reagan was elected. It's time to send Washington a new message now.

Also, did I mention I own a car?

Vote for me, I had an indeterminate job in winter sports the year the Hostages came home? Is this some kind of gag?

Now, this would just be kind of tragic, if the speaker didn't have a fair chance of being elected to the U.S. Congress, a job once held by Lincoln. Which is the name of a car.

I guess Doug Hoffman had some role in the Miracle on Ice, although, if memory serves, the assist went to Pavelich. Hoffman was the Olympics' accountant. (The Games ended up $6 million in debt and had to be bailed out by Jimmy Carter.) The connection between Hoffman's math skills and the Reagan Revolution is a bit of a stretch.

Aristotle called this particular stretch Spurious Enthymeme #7:

Another line consists in representing as causes things which are not causes, on the ground that they happened along with or before the event in question. They assume that, because B happens after A, it happens because of A. Politicians are especially fond of taking this line.

And you can trust Aristotle, because he was from Greece, and so are elections, like the one Ronald Reagan won.

If I can editorialize for a second, are you kidding?

Here's something less amusing -- but more revealing -- about Doug Hoffman's website: It contains an Internet era update of a dirty trick Nixon's men used to call "rat fucking."

Dems love Dede

According to the Draft Dede as a Democrat blog, "we will have her on all of our key issues from card check, to health care, to taxes, social issues and who knows what else."

And then it has the web address of a blog called PlanetAlbany, linking to a blog called Draft Dede as a Democrat. Pretty damning stuff, right? Dede Scozzafava - Hoffman's Republican opponent - is actually a Democrat! And the proof is right there in this blog that links to this other blog, by some Democrats so proud of Dede Scozzafava that they prefer to remain completely anonymous.

That's how crafty they are.

Dede Scozzafava is their secret puppet and their plan is so fiendishly clever they can't wait to blog about it.

Or maybe Draft Dede at a Democrat isn't real. Take a look, and judge for yourself.

Classic rat fucking involves things like printing fake campaign literature for the other candidate where he promises, if elected, to commit unspeakable crimes and making infuriating late night phone calls from non-existent groups, The Child Pornographers' League, for instance, endorsing your opponent. The fake blog is a new wrinkle.

Why are half the articles on Draft Dede about how clever it would be to trick people into voting for her and the other half about what a disaster she is?

Why would a Democrat write something like:

It took years for one of ours to finally infiltrate the National Republican Party apparatus and wreak civil war within the GOP. Call it the Socialist Watergate of 2009, but with Scozzafava as the Republican nominee in NY-23 we will finally have the keys to the National Republican Party -- and with it -- almost certain access to all its ugly organs of operation...

When Dede wins, she will carry our water and also give us greater insight into the broader internal workings of the right-wing nuts running the corrupt partisans, otherwise known as the Republican House Caucus (talk about a self-inflicted wound)...

Dede Scozzafava, a wolf in sheep's clothing. This could be one of the greatest "Alinksy" coups of all time.

... and I'm telling you all this, Mr. Bond, because you won't be alive to see it.

Why would anyone write anything like that?

Except to rat fuck someone.

In The Man Who Was Thursday, a secret organization of anarchists disguises itself as a secret organization of anarchists, but I'm pretty sure Chesterton was kidding. I think Draft Dede only exists in some creepy liar's head and the Hoffman campaign either knows, or should know.

Because winning isn't worth it, if you cheat. Didn't Doug Hoffman learn anything when he was playing hockey in the Olympics?

 

Comments

[CJWebber]

'he doesn't have dental records'

ROFL

[ProgressiveVoice]

Seems to me it would be easier to achieve some kind of campaign finance reform if we started at the state and local level. Banning funding from outside the district in question, except for matching funds from state and national RNC/DNC - matching district fund raising, at most - would be one good place to start.

Personally, I think political campaigns should be limited to six months, at most. All funding should be publicly financed - NO private donations or personal funds - at set amounts per office in question (example: $10 million per presidential candidate, to cover primary and general election). Let the first test of a candidate be how s/he uses the funds.

[missmanners]

Have those folks in NY forgot about "heck of a job Brownie"?

[Pablo175]

See you at his swearing in.

[audadvnc]

"...because winning isn't worth it, if you cheat."

Oh, how charming. That's assuming people like this have any sense of self-worth. Their only goal is to win, cheating is merely a tactic.

[KatieHW]

I have the feeling we're watching the self-immolation of the Republican party. Let's hope that whatever replaces it has more integrity, intelligence, and common sense.

[lastpost]

“He has a full raft of Christian prejudices, but if he's a practicing member of any church, it hasn't come out.”
Maybe initially the rest of the congregation shared that raft with him. Unfortunately, by the time rescuers arrived all they found was him, and a chronic case of indigestion.

It's not just that he doesn't have a record. He doesn't have dental records.
The Machiavellian Candidate?

“he's pulling into the lead”
In another one of his cars?

Even the name, "Doug."
Can you dug it?

What Doug Hoffman really has is an accountant's willingness to repeat what he's told. Glenn Beck is mad as hell about ACORN
Well as an accountant you may agree, that the first 50% of that second sentence does add up.

“Is this some kind of gag?”
Yes Doug, and donning it may furnish a measurable improvement.

”They assume that, because B happens after A, it happens because of A. Politicians are especially fond of taking this line.”
Some scientist too.

[TheMightyMidget]

Awesome post as always Chris, and as usual spot on.

Incidentally, the Romans had an identical phrase for when a politician makes the kind of associative stretch Hoffman is trying.... "post hoc ergo propter hoc".... after it, therefore because of it. Call that one out when someone says something truly crazy, like pointing out that swine flu came up from mexico just a little while after obama's visit.

[mrpotatoe]

Since the NY-23 thing has illuminated the flaw in this system (Plato's take in The Republic,) as well as the greatest strength of this system----I'd like to take this opportunity to nominate Chris Kelly for the position of Sophisticated Truth Czar, a Chair as yet, tragically, unfilled...

[FearlessFreep]

"The connection between Hoffman's math skills and the Reagan Revolution is a bit of a stretch." Not really, when you consider how Reaganomics inflamed the National Debt.

[ched]

Whether Hoffman wins or not, it's a win for the Dems, since it will inspire other Teabag Party candidates to run elsewhere throughout the country, which means Republican votes split everywhere the Teabag Party runs, which in turn means Dems winning in even districts where they'd otherwise have no chance.

Come to think of it, maybe that rat-f**king site WAS launched by Dems to Draft Dede.

Keep it up, Pubs. You're doing great.

[beerguy]

The problem with that theory is, is that our base is twice as large as yours.

[swengnikaerb]

19% Sport, that's all ya got...

[JimmyTee]

"It's not just that he doesn't have a record. He doesn't have dental records."

Yes, personal records are important. Unless, of course, they're Obama's.

[pdog]

President Obama's birth certificate has been all over the news. His is the only birth certificate of any Prez that I have seen. And don't give me that but it was the short form crap.

[whiskeytangofoxtrot451]

Kind of like Bush's national guard records, right?

[justlw]

Yeah, Obama's past is a complete mystery. A cipher. A circle with no edge. Except for his birth certificate, documentation of his childhood, newspaper articles about him at Harvard Law School, his history as a law professor, his run for the Senate, and the memoir he published. Oops, sorry: TWO memoirs.

But other than that, a blank slate! A mystery! No one can find out a thing about the guy!

[philko]

While we're on the subject... WHY hasn't anyone seen his report card from the second grade. AFAIK, *nobody* has seen it. He hasn't produced it. WHAT IS HE TRYING TO HIDE????

[mcthfg]

Perhaps the best part of a Chris Kelly piece are the responses by the people who don't get it.

I'd laugh if I thought they wouldn't vote.

[Mark Gorrin]

Thanks to all liberals that have posted hateful mockery, it proves you are worried about this guy.

[whiskeytangofoxtrot451]

Is that what Rush told you?

Always fun to hear about how much liberals "hate" from the party that hates gays, women, minorities, immigrants, and anyone who thinks differently than they do.

[txrunner]

I'm as queer as they come, and a proud Republican.

The biggest amount of hate and ridicule I've ever received were from Liberals because I maintained conservative CHRISTIAN values.

I've always been welcome, respected, and EQUAL in republican forums, as a board member of Chamber of Commerce, and other PACs.

[pdog]

Actually we are thrilled to have him run he gives Dems the best chance to win. Thanks for supporting him.

[Scourge]

I hope the guy wins. I would love the Rethugs to split into 2 parties. The more conservative candidates the better.

[WellTickleMeWillie]

And with a Hoffman win, it would give silly Sarah a conservative-enough VP running mate in 2012 who matches her level of experience. Can Doggie Hauser see a foreign country from his porch? Like Canada.

Let all us progressives get behind Doggie and support him in his quest to be as big a con as Sarah or Rush.

G O P H I L L I E S !!!! World Series - 2peat

Phillies 1
Yahoos 0

Game 1 was all Ut-Lee !!!

[Hank007]

I love all these people now calling themselves 'conservatives' yet never admitting the only fiscally conservatie presdent of th last 40 years was Clinton! (Nixon - deficit, Carter - deficit, Reagan - massive expansion of government and the deficit, raised taxes on the middle class 6 x, Bush I - read my lips, more government and taxes!, Clinton - record job growth, cut government spending, eliminated the Bush/Reagan deficit, left office with a surplus, W - 'nuff said)

[whiskeytangofoxtrot451]

The funny thing is, they keep voting republican thinking they're going to get smaller government and less spending, then act surprised when they get the opposite every time.

[philko]

But it's a LEFT WING CONSPIRACY, don't you see?