John McCain Makes Bob Dole Look Like Bobby Kennedy

08/10/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

"He believes our world is dangerous. Our economy in shambles... Don't hope for a better life... McCain."

-- A McCain Ad I'll Admit I Probably Only Half Heard

It's been pretty hard to keep up with negative McCain ads this week. They're like suicide bombings. You're reading about one and then you hear about another and you think, wait, is this the same one with a different body count, or something new? That poor country. I hope Lara Logan is all right.

(Or isn't she back here now, and carrying John Edwards' love child? Like I said, it's hard to keep up.)

First there was the ad that mocked Obama for not visiting all the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan one at a time. Just in groups. Like the hundreds you could see in the ad.

Callous bastard. And stupid troops, too. Falling for it.

Then there was ad that said all the TV commentators loved Obama, which was mostly built out of clips of TV commentators on Fox shitting on other TV commentators for loving him, which proves all the commentators love him, because here are ones that don't, saying others do.

(No mas, Señor Borges! My head!)

Anyway, it was called "Love" and it had sarcastic lovey-dovey music under it, so you get the point: Not only is McCain against Hope, he's also against Love.

Then there was the ad that said Obama was like Britney Spears because people like him. Because if there's one thing John McCain holds in greater contempt than Hope and Love, it's popular opinion. It's a slippery slope from there to majority rule.

This seemed like an unusual position for a nominee to take, in a political system built on the idea of getting the most votes, but okay.

I was still digesting that when the "Moses" ad came out. The point of this one was that there are voters who are so tragically, laughably ignorant they're actually thinking of voting for someone who inspires them. They're assholes. You know, like the Israelites.

People with faith! They'd be sad if they weren't so damn funny!

Don't they get it? It's a garbage existance -- even if Jihadists don't kill you -- and you're just making fools of yourselves with this "change" bullshit. So pull up your socks, stop acting like some love-struck German, and vote McCain.

He won't disappoint you. Because he's not promising you anything.


Let's recap the reasons the ads say not to vote for Barack Obama:

-He visits the troops.

-Political analysts like him -- except for the ones who don't.

-Tens of Millions of Americans have been inspired by his campaign.

-He draws huge crowds, not only here in America but in the capital cities of our allies, where he also enjoys the respect and admiration of their democratically-elected leaders.

Just like Paris Hilton.

Let's recap the reasons the ads say to vote for John McCain:

-He's sarcastic.

Where do I sign up?


There's only one thing John McCain hates more than popular sentiment, popular culture and overwhelming popular support, and that's elitists.


Here's what John McCain says about his new campaign theme, "Idealism Makes Me Laugh" --

Republican John McCain on Friday defended his campaign's new Web ad mocking Barack Obama as a presumptuous messianic figure, saying it was important to "display a sense of humor" in the presidential contest ... "I don't think our campaign is negative in the slightest," McCain said. "We think it's got a lot of humor in it, we're having fun and enjoying it ..."

McCain's ad campaign does have a lot of humor in it, but it's not the kind of humor you generally hear from a candidate about voters. It's the kind of humor you usually hear from a wife beater about women.


People keep comparing John McCain's humor to Bob Dole's. We're supposed to accept their vicious, ceaseless, fixer's fatalism as a kind of manly candor. Sure, they turned their war wounds into public office, and public office into a trough, but that's because it's an ugly world out there. Grown-ups know that politics are a con job and government exists to do favors for its friends and send the poor to die.

You gotta laugh.

At least Bob Dole could appreciate Britney Spears.


John Mccain
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