Lohanomics

When Mother Teresa died she owned the clothes on her back, a rosary and a bucket. The day she died, like every other day, she started off with the Prayer of St. Francis, the one that asks, "Oh Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console." I know what you're thinking: Showoff.

But she wasn't all bad. There's something to wanting to give more than you receive. I'm not a glory hound like some nuns, but I try to live my life in the same spirit. That's why I was so happy to open this morning's Wall Street Journal and read:

WASHINGTON -- Government officials seeking to revamp the U.S. financial bailout have discussed spending another $1 trillion to $2 trillion to help restore banks to health, according to people familiar with the matter.

Hallelujah!

We'll be down to our clothes, rosaries and buckets in no time!

But not so fast. Just when I thought I'd found my calling -- restoring the banks to health -- I saw that Lindsay Lohan's father had updated his blog, and it read:

PLEASE HELP!!! I am asking everyone out their (sic) to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life... Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

I know God would never give me more than I can handle, but how can I help Michael Lohan break up his daughter's lesbian relationships and recapitalize Citibank? I don't want to make light of a father's love for a child, or a nation's love for its bankers, but suddenly I'm feeling not just torn but a little tapped out.

It's like when the Joker tells Batman he can save either Rachel or Harvey Dent. I think. I'm still not exactly clear on what happened there.

Save Lindsay or Wall Street or neither or both? Let's see.

Totally charming in Mean Girls?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: No

Already received billions in aid?
Lindsay Lohan: No
AIG: Yes

Chance that a new handout will just get blown on Grey Goose?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: Yes

Would piss on you if you were on fire?
AIG: No
Lindsay Lohan: It depends. Does she need to go anyway? How much Grey Goose has she had?

I think St. Francis would call this a pick'em.

Here's why this isn't a fair comparison. Lindsay Lohan was pretty good in Freaky Friday. Also, Michael Lohan won't tell us exactly how it is he wants us to help him, whereas Wall Street has made its needs perfectly clear:

Give us all your money.

Michael Lohan and our wards in the financial sector are equally opaque about what they'll do with our help/cash. The banks didn't exactly start making loans again, after we gave them those other billions, to make loans. Michael Lohan won't say what he'll do to Lindsay with our help, but he clearly knows the value of a dollar, since his blog has ads on it. So probably the best thing to do is just give them whatever they want and hope for the best. They are the experts.

Before he went to prison for criminal contempt related to securities trading, Michael Lohan worked on Wall Street.

Comments

[Over50WhiteWoman]

12:06 AM on 02/02/2009

Ha! Loved the ending. So sad, though. How hard is it to start a bank? Any folks out there with a little cash, or even land for collateral? Let's start a bank, a bank willing to lend to the Hispanic guy down there and all the other 'good' credit risks these banks are shunning.

What I don't get is how are they keeping their 'license' or 'charter' or whatever. If the bank isn't lending, hasn't it stopped being a bank? Why can't the Fed just order these banks to renegotiate the mortgages, and start lending again? Why are our Congress-people such a bunch of wimps? Why do they keep giving them more when they don't really oversee its distribution? They find out by reading the newspaper? That is not control--that's gettting a report after the fact.

Is Obama going to CONTROL these funds? Or is he just like the last bunch? Not impressed so far. When I was working as a Project Manager, I would never have settled for these answers. Heads would roll. But then again--I lost my job 8 years ago, so what do I know?

[jhNY]

03:08 PM on 02/01/2009

After careful reading, I've decided to help Paris Hilton. She has lots of money like the bankers who are only poor in spirit and she's not involved in Lesbionics or nunneries, and yet she is pretty and empty like Lindsay Lohan, which should qualify her for my nearly undivided attention, which is all I can give today, in that they're broadcasting the Superbowl and I've got all my capital tied up in Heineken futures, which long term is looking increasingly scarce, like the future itself in general.

[Viper]

11:53 AM on 02/01/2009

Mortgage brokers, bankers and property appriasers, deregulation were problematic. However this would have occured anyway because of our de industrialization, lack of job creation, lack of making stuff, unsustainable trade and budget deficts, exporting high paying jobs to low wage countries replacing them with McJobs... It might have occured a few months later w/o subprime problems... but the problem is the worlds biggest consummer has for 30 years been heading down a path of unsustanable economic activity not based on MFG, soley on low paying service jobs and supporting those lower wages with credit until we went broke.

It is US taxpayers defaulting on their debt that caused the banks problems that yes they contributed to... Its US taxpayers that voted for reagan economics, deregulation, trcikle down,loved cheap products not made in the US as their neighbor lost his MFG job, bitch about $28/hour union wages more than 50 million dollar exec salaries, Its US taxpayers that voted for BUSH.. twice , Repug supported outsourcing and free trade... tax cuts and a war leading to huge deficits. And now as US taxpayers default on their debt causinh a world wide depression, we act surprised that out tax dollars are being used to bailout what we did to ourselves...

Regards


Regards

[Viper]

11:46 AM on 02/01/2009

In all of this what we fail to remember is that those bad , toxic investments that the Banks hold and cant unload are US and our houses and our notes on cars AND CREDIT CARDS.. iTS ALSO NOW COMMERICAL PROPERTY. Everyone makes theoir payments and the assets are not toxic.

This stopped being about subprime almost a year ago now. Homes being forclosed now are with conventional mortgages. In some states the equity has been more than wipped out for 50% of the home owners.

Why cant people Pay:
In the last 8 years property tAxes more than doubled, energy cost trippled, insurance and healthcare cost doubled..real wages declined. People who could pay originally, could not pay 4-5 years later. No net private sector jobs created in 8 years... more people w/o health insurance... And real unnemployement of closer to 15% THAN 7%. More pople going from full time to part time work...yet considered employed.

US industrial output at its lowest level in recorded history.. huge trade deficts.. 5 million MFG jobs the heart of any sustainable economy however shipped to China.

The oil speculation caused the loss of jobs, stole dollars from credit payments, sparked inflation, stalled world economies, raised interest rates and is every bit as much at fault as finanical institutions..

Regards

[AMP43]

07:48 AM on 02/01/2009

If Obama really was outraged with the our tax payer money going to pay huge bonus money then all he has to do is this:
Tell the Banks that if they want 2009 bailout money they have to have their senior and junior managers give back any 2008 bonus money that exceeds say $100,000. Any manager who does not give back his 2008 bonus can go elsewhere. Anything less is just a continuation of the Bush scam. Frankly, I like Obama but I am not convinced he is anything but a more reasonable, more intelligent and more socially responsible politician and lackey of Wall Street money.

[brooklyncitizen]

10:33 PM on 01/31/2009

Her Dad sounds really pathetic..no wonder she is so troubled....he needs more help I think.

Don't help the banks, St. Francis not withstanding. Wait until they are down to their rosary beads, clothes and bucket.

[mheister]

02:04 AM on 01/31/2009

The banks need to be nationalized, and Lohan needs a father figure like Britney Spears' dad to step in and straighten out her life.

Oh, and the radical Muslims need to crack their own Holy Book and reread the passages about Jesus and Moses, and have a good long think about how they're treating the people of the Book.

What else ya got for me?

[billw8017]

06:20 PM on 01/30/2009

I wonder if anybody has noticed what happens if a couple trillion dollars are divided among 340 million Americans. Over $6 000 each for every man, woman, and child or about $20 000 for a family (two adults, 1 1/2 children). For a lot of people that fails to meet their docking fees for their yachts, but for most American it would make banks trivial. I don't like to be unsympathetic to my betters, but it wouldn't break my heart if they were to put their gold doornobs in an envelope and send it in to the address on television for all that money.

[ShelleyVan]

05:54 PM on 01/30/2009

LOL!! Great article!

[hosshoss777]

04:14 PM on 01/30/2009

So what am I hearing here, that we're all ready to borrow and spend our way back into economic health but the banks won't do their part?
We really do deserve every con, every scam, every bilked 401k that we get.

Pssssssst, Madoff wasn't the only Ponzi scheme being run, Wall Street is nothing if not a giant Ponzi scheme. You just didn't know when to sell. Buy low, sell high.
One more time
Buy Low, if at all
Sell high, if not sooner.

[jotunloki]

07:45 PM on 01/30/2009

That's why they want our social security money too.

[Arji]

01:12 PM on 01/30/2009

We have had a mortgage with Citibank for nearly 13 years on a 15 year mortgage. We also have credit scores of well over 700 each. My wife is an RN and I am a programmer, both jobs are quite stable and in demand. We were declined when we applied for a small home equity loan to get some expensive repairs done on our home which is but a few years away from being paid off. The way we see if, we were either refused the loan because we are Hispanic or Citibank is doing what many of the other "bailout" banks are doing.....taking the money, giving their execs obscene bonuses and refusing to provide credit to qualified borrowers. Isn't the money we are giving them intended to stimulate the credit crunch? Is the government not aware that many of us who have earned our good credit ratings are being denied loans to simply maintain their homes? We didn't ask for any more money than is needed to do some much needed wear-and-tear type repairs. Why do we continue to give these financial companies more money?

[Kassandra]

08:00 PM on 02/01/2009

You gotta wonder, don't ya? Read The Shock Doctrine -Klein, everything will become clear.

[scottarino]

09:12 PM on 02/01/2009

One small but good step to take (and this applies to everyone) is to remove all your business from these banks, including your Wachovia's and the like, and roll all your banking into a local credit union. When I left the big banks all of my banking problems and issues went away. The rates are better, the fees are minimal and you don't have to drop trow and bend over everytime you walk through their door.

[rjcrane]

01:07 PM on 01/30/2009

One of the primary problems with the banks loaning more money is there aren't enough qualified businesses and people to lend it to unless they go back to the looser and riskier standards that created this problem in the first place, which no bank wants to do because they would be taking too much risk in a bad economy. It's more like a Catch-22. Not sure what comes first: Money being lent or an improved economy where lending money will work. Most banks can't justify giving loans to businesses that have declining or poor balance sheets and to people losing jobs or people with declining income and devalued assets, or loaded down with debt. The banks have been burned badly by their lending practices and that's why their stock is in the tank, so expecting them to repeat making bad loans in order to get the economy moving isn't what anyone should want either let alone expect to happen.

We all agree that the lending arteries need to be unclogged for the economy to work but you start doing that by putting people back to work and helping businesses to survive and prosper so they can hire more people and hope these people will spend more money. All these pieces sort of need to unclog at the same time because our economy is too dependent upon consumers now.

RJ Crane, topplebush.com

[jotunloki]

07:46 PM on 01/30/2009

Then why do we care if they fail?

[PATina]

12:38 PM on 01/30/2009

Probably the best thing to do is just give them whatever they want and hope for the best.

That is just what we are going to do... give them whatever they ask for and hope they use it the way we want.

[Chuckwheat]

11:07 AM on 01/30/2009

French banks are also hoarding the bailout funds. Big difference is, striking French workers are marching in protest, taking on the riot police.
We stock up for the Super Bowl.

[JLThom]

02:32 PM on 01/30/2009

So true Chuck...did you get your seven layer dip ready?

[Yermammy]

09:36 AM on 01/30/2009

Forget a bad bank. Stiff the shareholders. Mow em down like a P-51 over a caravan of oxcarts. Let that be their reward for greed.