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Meet John D'oh: Michelle Malkin is Watching You

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"We are coming to a new order of things. There's too much talk been going on in this country. Too many concessions have been made. What the American people need is an iron hand." -- Someone in Frank Capra's Meet John Doe, but Not the Good Guy

Most Americans just rolled over and surrendered when Arab terrorists took over the government and the media, but not Michelle Malkin. She's fighting back. By starting a club.

All you have to do to join is report everyone you see who seems to be a foreigner. Or who seems to tolerate foreigners. Or who may be thinking foreigner-tolerating thoughts.

It's like the Junior Spies in 1984, only totally fun.

It's called The John Doe Movement and it's got an oath and everything. And if you join not only will you fight Islamofascism, but you can also come to Michelle's house after school, have a healthy snack, and play with her Breyer Horses. Well, not play with them. But, you know, look at them.

You also get a button. Wanna sign up?

Here's the pledge:

"Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy.
And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift..."

(Now, I know what you're thinking: That sounds like a lot of travel. And who says "lift?" Are you Madonna? But don't get hung up on that. Let her talk.)

" ... I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss."

(I am Polly Pocket.)


"...I am John Doe.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

I will never forget the passengers and crewmembers who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run..."

(I will never forget James Woods having coke-crazed hate sex with Sean Young in "The Boost." But that's my problem. And a whole other club I'm part of.)

"... I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity."

I will embrace my local police department's admonition: "If you see something, say something."

I am John Doe..."

(And I tend to repeat myself.)

"... I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing "scholars."

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools..."

(Wait a second. This is getting boring. I thought we were going to be spies.)

(Actually, you kind of started losing me when we had to embrace the admonition at the police department. I started picturing cops hugging. And then I started thinking: Can you be dull and shrill at the same time?)

(And then I started thinking about "The Boost" again.)

(Oh damn, there's more.)


" ...I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am John Doe.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces..."

(Okay, now this has just grown wheels for feet and a balloon for a head. Where in Crazytown is the pool where they're imposing sharia law? What national monument do the Sunnis control? Fort Pulaski?)

"... I will not be censored in the name of tolerance."

(Or logic. Or so as to not make a fool of myself.)

"... I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing.

I will not cringe when you shriek about "profiling" or "Islamophobia."

I will put my family's safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism."

"I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.

I am John Doe.

Pass it on."

Stirring words. It's like Pat Benatar wrote Braveheart. And it can obviously leave us with only one question: Is there something stronger than Ritalin?

Does Michelle Malkin believe the things she writes? Is she five? Is she living in a parallel universe where Afghanistan is occupying us? Can you sit down and type, "I will not submit to your will," to a hypothetical Arab teenager and not feel a little ... silly?

And that's where the cognitive dissonance of racism kicks in. If you're an Arab man, she can't believe you're not a jihadist. And since she's an Asian woman, we're surprised that she's such an idiot.

--

Hey, Movie Lovers!

Frank Capra's Meet John Doe is a minor but muddled classic of '40s cinema. It concerns a journalist who creates a populist movement, only to discover that she, and her creation, are being manipulated by a right wing media empire.

Which of these best describes the film's moral:

I Hate Tolerance
Three Cheers for Racism!
Foreigners: They're Always Up to Something
James Woods: Praetorian Guard of a Nation
Keep Our Pools Judeo-Christian

Answer:

Well, Capra said Meet John Doe was about, "contemporary realities: the ugly face of hate; the power of uniformed bigots in red, white, and blue shirts; the agony of disillusionment, and the wild dark passions of mobs."

But what did he know?

--

Video Extra!

Michelle Malkin can use her superbrain to spot an America-hater a mile away. And she's made a video mash up of the big speech from Spartacus to inspire you to do the same.

How many Communists did it take to write Spartacus?

1
2

Answer:

2, but don't tell Michelle Malkin

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