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Chris Kelly

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Mitt Romney's Perfect July 4th Speech

Posted: 07/04/2012 8:08 am

No one except donors, advisors and other Romneys has heard the live sound of Mitt Romney's voice since last Thursday. There are no plans for him to speak, live, to anyone but donors, advisors and other Romneys until the middle of next week. I suppose you could call this a strategy, but it's not the typical way you expect someone to approach a job search, when getting the job involves meeting people and securing their votes.

You usually associate it with authoritarian states where the general has died, but state-run radio isn't letting on.

Wouldn't it be cool if Mitt never returned from his vacation, but one of the boys -- let's say Tagg -- emerged and announced he was dear leader now?

Of course, the explanation for Mitt's silence is simpler and sadder than that. Mitt Romney is lying low until his party stops screaming about stinging up any tax-raising freedom-killer who ever imposed a healthcare mandate. He also knows he's not winning this thing with rallies; he's winning it with TV ads. And he's not going out of his way to give a single speech more than he absolutely has to, because his speeches are awful.

But they don't have to be.

They can be beautiful.

If you don't have anything to say, why not make it beautiful?

Mitt Romney has been giving the same basic speech since he started running for president, in late 1999. Start with a local reference, often to the weather. Take exception to something the government is doing, and make it clear that you would certainly do something else, but leave it to the listeners' imaginations what. Say "success," "leadership," "Olympics" and "office supplies." Segue into an anecdote about red tape and a reference to David Landes' Wealth and Poverty of Nations -- this always kills; crowds love it when you talk about David Landes' Wealth and Poverty of Nations -- and bring it home with this:

There was a time -- not so long ago -- when each of us could walk a little taller and stand a little straighter because we had a gift that no one else in the world shared. We were Americans. That meant something different to each of us but it meant something special to all of us. We knew it without question. And so did the world. Those days are coming back. That's our destiny. We believe in America. We believe in ourselves. Our greatest days are still ahead. We are, after all, Americans! Thank you and God bless America.

If we each have a different explanation for our greatness (and good posture) and we each believe it without question, don't some of us have to be wrong? And what's patriotic about believing in yourself? What does that have to do with anything? And isn't it kind of circular to say Americans know they're great because they're Americans?

The short form is even more disjointed:

That's our destiny. Join me. Walk together this Tuesday. And take another step every day until November 6th. We believe in America. We believe in ourselves. Our greatest days are still ahead. We are, after all, Americans!

And sometimes it breaks down entirely, like HAL 9000 crossed with Gertrude Stein:

I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love.

That's seriously debased. You can dislike Mitt Romney and still not want that to happen again.

A stump speech can talk about America and not sound like someone's mom wrote their class president campaign speech on their hand. It really can. Here's how beautiful it can be:

I think the true discovery of America is before us. I think the true fulfillment of our spirit, of our people, of our mighty and immortal land, is yet to come. I think the true discovery of our own democracy is still before us. And I think that all these things are certain as the morning, as inevitable as noon. I think I speak for most men living when I say that our America is Here, is Now, and beckons on before us, and that this glorious assurance is not only our living hope, but our dream to be accomplished.

Okay, it's not really a stump speech. It's the credo from You Can't Go Home Again.

But how nice is that?

I don't think Mitt Romney should try to be Thomas Wolfe. It's just -- well, it's July 4th -- and I just wanted to point out that you can love America, and say it, and not sound like a dumb, bumptious sleaze.

 
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No one except donors, advisors and other Romneys has heard the live sound of Mitt Romney's voice since last Thursday. There are no plans for him to speak, live, to anyone but donors, advisors and oth...
No one except donors, advisors and other Romneys has heard the live sound of Mitt Romney's voice since last Thursday. There are no plans for him to speak, live, to anyone but donors, advisors and oth...
 
 
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Bladesmith
Hammering out some red hot truth.
08:15 AM on 07/05/2012
"Wouldn't it be cool if Mitt never returned from his vacation, but one of the boys -- let's say Tagg -- emerged and announced he was dear leader now?"

Would we even notice? They're pretty much interchangable.

And this: "God bless America." Can we just STOP this bullcrap? It's medieval, egotistical, and it's ridiculous. Do other nations leaders do this nonsense? Putin: "And God Bless Russia!" Or whoever is running India; "And Gods Bless India!"

It's ridiculous, it does nothing worthwhile but promote a bunch of nonsensical mythological claptrap.

We can't seriously consider ourselves world leaders if we're clinging to Dark ages fairy tales.
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maveet
AussieByChoice
07:11 PM on 07/05/2012
F&F 'nuff said.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
The Dogginator
Got my dillies on the peppatain
08:32 PM on 07/05/2012
"God bless America....and no place else!" - Chris Rock in "Head of State"
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kamachanda
Mr. President, Tear this Wall Street down!
08:09 AM on 07/05/2012
There was a time -- not so long ago -- when each of us could walk a little taller and stand a little straighter because we had a gift that no one else in the world shared. We were Corporations. That meant something different to each of us but it meant something special to all of us. We knew it without question. And so did the world. Those days are coming back. That's our destiny. We believe in Corporations. We believe in ourselves. Our greatest days are still ahead. We are, after all, Corporations! Thank you and God bless the Corporation.
lastpost
see biography
07:24 AM on 07/05/2012
"There are no plans for him to speak, live, to anyone but donors"
From whom he hopes to elicit a confidence transplant?

"call this a strategy"
Yes. He's a little (Trojan) hoarse.

"it's not the typical way you expect someone to approach a job search"
Unless its for a body double.

"You usually associate it with authoritarian states where the general has died, but"
nobody’s brave enough to tell him.

"Wouldn't it be cool if Mitt never returned from his vacation, but"
a primate took his place. That might raise the level of debate.

"he's not winning this thing with rallies"
Try a forehand smash.

"There was a time -- not so long ago -- when each of us could walk a little taller and stand a little straighter"
But now, spinal surgical supports are behind us.

"HAL 9000 crossed with Gertrude Stein:"
A writer should write with his eyes and a painter paint with his ears. The computer can just juggle its bits.

"A stump speech"
doesn’t work, when stumped for something to say.

"I think the true discovery of America is before us. I think the true fulfillment of our spirit, of our people, of our mighty and immortal land, is yet to come. I think the true discovery of our own democracy is still before us."
I had a think?

"You Can't Go Home Again."
Hence now, we no longer know where you live.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
The Dogginator
Got my dillies on the peppatain
08:31 PM on 07/05/2012
Are you Ricky Gervais? Why do I hear Ricky's voice in my head when I read this post. Your Ricky Gervais, aren't you.
07:05 AM on 07/05/2012
I love when these people assume the rest of the planet walks around with daily depression because the are not Americans.
HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
roxette
08:12 AM on 07/05/2012
F & F. well said
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
rabprevent
We have extremists amongst us
06:09 AM on 07/05/2012
Expecting any republican to do the right thing only demonstrate your foolishness and na?t?s their primary concerns is for themselves, their money, power, control and war.
They want to take this country into a direction guided or one can say misguided by ideology only and damn if anything and or anyone stands in their way
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
shankapotomus
07:25 AM on 07/05/2012
Haven't noticed what O's been doing the last three years i see.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Proud Progressive
danger may be real, but fear is a choice.
07:53 AM on 07/05/2012
Examples please?
The Fright Wing loves to throw mud at President Obama, all of it without substance, trying to promulgate the hate and revulsion they feel at having a freely elected person of color as the commander in chief.
The problem is that there is little substance to their claims and absurd accusations, pragmatism has been the watch-word of his presidency, not ideology. Now, on the other side of the argument, we all see nothing but ideology.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
kbeth
Dear Jesus, Save us from the Christians. Amen
08:21 AM on 07/05/2012
I have to admit the Republicans have done a good job of distracting everyone from President Obama's accomplishments with their war on women's reproduction, birther foolishness and barrage of anti-Obama nonsense but many of us have noticed and are grateful.
02:18 AM on 07/05/2012
Excellent, Chris!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
cheryl tobin
Alpha Dog with my pack!
11:05 PM on 07/04/2012
Chris, Thanks for the funny and intelligent article. I spent the afternoon at a July 4th party where a guy told me that several doctors have asked him whether he kept loaded guns in his house and this question was required by Obamacare! After that conversation I really needed the laughs and inspiration from your article. Thanks, Cheryl
garystartswithg
el sueno de la razon produce republicans
10:27 PM on 07/04/2012
Where is peggy pill poppin' noonan when the republicans need her most?
10:05 PM on 07/04/2012
how about Obama's speech? it was very political. he spoke to a group of newly sworn citizens who are also veterans and turned it into a speech about immigration reform or as realists call it, "amnesty". how low can this guy go? is he that desperate for votes?
02:24 AM on 07/05/2012
Did you even read the article, Sweetie? Obviously, not. Please, either read the articles, or go back to the snoozemaxx forums, where they wallow in off topic, right wing nonsense.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
kbeth
Dear Jesus, Save us from the Christians. Amen
08:25 AM on 07/05/2012
Do they ever read the article? They would be at risk of learning something. F/F
09:14 PM on 07/04/2012
And we all know how badly that's left us
02:25 AM on 07/05/2012
?
03:12 AM on 07/05/2012
I'm not sure you're allowed to have ten syllables in a Haiku line, but nice try.
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09:05 PM on 07/04/2012
Shoot while he's waxing poetic about what it means to be rich and white in America today, he should throw in a one liner about "how beautiful the flag looks against a background of amber waves of grain and Oh yeah, I'm an abortion profiteer".
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Bladesmith
Hammering out some red hot truth.
08:18 AM on 07/05/2012
And look how even the trees are! All the same right height!
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Killjoy
I'm perfect in my imperfections
08:55 PM on 07/04/2012
Please you might as well ask him to grow wings. He is incapable of such a task.
07:37 PM on 07/04/2012
It seems to me that Romney does not understand the American experience as most American live it. And its just not his money alone. Many super rich people still have an understanding and empathy of how most Americans live their lives, their fears, their dreams, and their desires. Romney seems to be just above it all and when he tried to get down onto that human level he ends up lacking.
10:07 PM on 07/04/2012
how do you know him so well? are you friends or are you basing your opinion on what you have heard or read from the mainstream media?
YOKEL13
Earth may be spherical, but the galaxy is flat
11:21 PM on 07/04/2012
Willard, despite his secretiveness, is an open book, and it's a lousy read.
HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
roxette
08:16 AM on 07/05/2012
Maybe by listening to him, watching him.
garystartswithg
el sueno de la razon produce republicans
10:30 PM on 07/04/2012
Forget you, little man. I have my aged wago burger on the grill and i look positively common in Burberry plaid.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
dapperd72
06:17 PM on 07/04/2012
Mitt Romney's spectacularly meaningless July 4th speech ought to be on par with one of George Carlin's favorite ways to keep people on their toes. Walk up to a guy standing at a bus stop and interject, "Pardon me . . . I have nothing to say!" Then if he asks you what time it is, just reply, "Well, it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard-on!" Mitt's only self-evident raison d'etre is personal profit for its own sake. This is why the Tea Party has such a conundrum about supporting him, since they can't make heads or tails about his actual beliefs, while the political left can see through him more easily than cellophane wrap on a package of Nabisco cookies.
05:08 PM on 07/04/2012
Mitt Romney 2012
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
rawulom
05:46 PM on 07/04/2012
What will he do for you? Privatise all public corporations, sell them to his friends and bank the money in Cayman island? Goodluck as you waste your vote!
YOKEL13
Earth may be spherical, but the galaxy is flat
11:22 PM on 07/04/2012
He's going to sell the naming rights to the White House... which shall be known as "The Bain White House".
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abbienormal
What hump?
09:43 PM on 07/04/2012
Make sure the check that you receive from his campaign doesn't bounce.