Mitticisms: "Helped Save"

While people who should know better have been seeing crucifixes in Mike Huckabee's bookshelves, Mitt Romney is airing an ad in New Hampshire that not only implies God is his decorator, but hints that Mitt might actually be the savior himself.

At least he saved one lost lamb, a runaway named Melissa Gay.

Here's how her earthly father, Robert Gay, tells it, in the ad, over ominous headlines and images of New York City so skuzzy they make Death Wish look like Wonderful Town:

"My 14-year-old daughter had disappeared in New York City for three days. No one could find her. My business partner stepped forward to take charge. He closed the company and brought almost all our employees to New York. He said, 'I don't care how long it takes, we're going to find her.' He set up a command center and searched through the night. The man who helped save my daughter was Mitt Romney. Mitt's done a lot of things that people say are nearly impossible. But for me, the most important thing he's ever done is to help save my daughter."

... from the Negroes.

Doesn't that warm your heart? Every word is perfect. Not just the way it builds to the reveal -- "And the name of that boy... was Abraham Lincoln" -- but the way its oblique construction allows the story to sound more homey, and less like two multimillionaires freaking out.

"My business partner," sounds so much better than identifying Gay as a managing director of Bain Capital. Makes it sound like he and Mitt ran a start-up dry goods store.

"He closed the company." Yes, and he threw his apron on the ground, too. And turned that "closed/open" sign around on the front door. Of the office tower.

"You lock up, Clem. Bob and I are off to New York, before his daughter pulls a train. Tell my wife, if she needs me, I'll be at the Port Authority, punching a Puerto Rican in the face."

"He set up a command center," sounds so much cooler than, "He made our employees hand out fliers and waited inside by the phone."

That doesn't concern me. I think Taxi Driver is overrated. And I'm also not interested in the statement: "Mitt's done a lot of things that people say are nearly impossible." That's just bizarre. Like what? Put five tennis balls in his mouth at one time? Solved the riddle of the fucking sphinx? He invested other people's money in Staples.

No, why I'm bringing this up at all is the statement:

"But for me, the most important thing he's ever done is to help save my daughter."

There's no denying that Mitt Romney made his office workers wander around New York City for three days asking runaways if they were or weren't related to anyone rich. That really happened, unlike his march through Detroit with Martin Luther King. But where was Melissa Gay?

According to the Boston Globe:

"It turned out that an unidentified boy had taken Melissa to his family's home in Montville, N.J., and on the night of July 11 they called police after seeing television reports about the case, ending the search."

She had been there for a couple of days. Just sort of hanging out.

Yes, Mitt Romney is so strong he can find missing heiresses in New Jersey by looking in New York.

The teachable moment here is the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy.

"After this, therefore because of this." Mitt Romney looked for a girl and then she phoned home. Therefore Mitt saved her.

Why stop there? The next month NASA turned up evidence of ancient primitive life on Mars. Maybe Mitt's search did that too.

The Yankees beat the Braves in the World Series. And the name of the man who made it all possible was... John Wetteland. Or was it really Mitt Romney?

So, did Mitt Romney save Melissa Gay? I don't know. But you certainly can't say he didn't not not save her. If she'd been in any danger. Which she wasn't. Besides, no one said he saved her, exactly. Robert Gay said he "helped save" her.

"Helped save." The exact same weaselly phrase, twice, even while choking up.

Hmmmm. It would just be creepy to suggest someone else came up with that line.

But maybe they "helped."

WHAT GAY MEANT ABOUT MITT:

I could hire a private detective -- because I'm a multimillionaire -- but when I misplace my kids, Mitt Romney makes people look for them, for free.

HOW TO USE "HELPED SAVE" AT HOME:

In 1987, I helped save Baby Jessica from a well in Texas by getting drunk in Montreal with my friend Stan.

 

Comments

[jwod]

You've got to admit he's sounding more like the ur-Republican that he claimed he was. Shutting down his business like Newt Gingrich did the government. Looking for her in NYC vs. Jersey (like looking for al Qaeda 9/11 terrorists in Iraq instead of pursuing them fully in Afghanistan and Pakistan). Throwing his entire staff into the search like we've wasted out entire military in the Iraq quagmire. But maybe he should be out there almost saving people, and someone else in the White House saving us.

[WIpatriot]

Oh, gag me with a spoon.

[nomadic]

When I was a young man I saved two lives in the same summer and during my entire k thru 12 years I broke up fights, negotiated racial entanglements and endured prejudice from a number of sources. Now, what does all that mean? It means JACK. I did what I was supposed to do because my parents raised me to be compassionate and fair minded. These are not points to run on for one very good reason: we're ALL charged to act with the same values. That a candidate uses such a lame incident to tout his leadership is telling indeed- he has no leadership.
Is this the kind of desperate storytelling we use to gauge a person's capacity for leadership in the highest office in our land? If so we might as well elect a high school crossing guard (preferably one with a limp) because that person has more leadership experience, which affects more people by fundamentally taking on needed responsibility on a daily basis. Just make sure that crossing guard is running as an independent.

[rboylern]

So when can we expect the announcement that Mitt is actually Jesus come back to save us all?

[jingodoz]

If a child is missing, a rational parent would contact professionals -- the local police and perhaps and private detective. Both would have said to call around to all the child's friends. Was there no parental supervision? How long did it take them to miss her? Why did they think she had gone to Manhattan?

How does this child feel about being exposed/exploited in a TV ad for a teen-age decision?

Is this indicative of the way Romney and his pals would run the country? Not consult experts? Not do the rational thing?

[llozano]

This is going to sound strange and maybe even intolerant but if you can suspend judgement and reality for a moment and believe the Book of Mormon (or any other biblical story) you can believe that Romney really saved this girl. I do give him credit for at least trying. He must live in a state of suspended reality to fabricate all these stories about himself.

[EdwardMichael]

The entire episode was ridiculous, but the final sentence made it! Laughed my tail off for the first time today.

Everyone seems to have forgotten that good ol' Mitt can be just as ridiculous as the rest of us. There was the incident during the 2002 Winter Olympics. Such language! And from a "good" Mormon, too!

[AnneM]

That ad nauseated me! It is manipulative and I figured that the whole story was somehow... different. Thanks Chris for the rest of the story and another freakin funny piece of writing.

[Jamchinadian]

Chris, this post is a hoot and a holler! LMAO. Is there no depth to which these politicos will not stoop to cynically try to manipulate the public?!

[2much2do]

I thought the purpose of the story (and the ad) was to demonstrate the candidate's leadership ability. The story does demonstrate that characteristic. It's perfectly appropriate. I believe if a Democratic candidate had run such an ad, you'd all be cheering. But no one on the Democratic side can demonstrate management competence like Romney can.

Any candidate can say he or she is a competent leader. Few can prove it. For all his flaws, the one thing Romney offers (in spades) is a history of competent leadership. Maybe he's not the most genuine person. But President Bush is authentic and genuine - yet incompetent. Given a choice between authenticity and competence in a president, I choose competence.

[Houstonattorney]

As I read it, the commotion Mitt created may indeed have generated the news coverage that prompted the daughter to call.

The big question here is why an "heiress" would lack the sense to call home days earlier, not Mitt's apparently sincere rescue attempt.

I'm no fan of Mitt, but you're effort to create a straw man seems a little forced. That being said, the commercial is embarassingly self-congr­atulatory. But that's politics these days.

[stardustsara]

everyone is running scared - mitt romney is the man to beat - column above the concord monitor prove it.

[Robbie2622]

Being from Massachusetts I can tell you Mitt is no savior. He left the state a financial wreck, cities and towns struggling to make ends meet.
He got his mandatory, "You must buy health insurance or we will fine you." health plan pushed through the legislature and proudly signed it into law as a boon for the insurance industry. All I can say is "God Save the United States" if he gets in office, because it won't be Mitt.

[BetterDeadthanRedState]

That's a filthy lie! I saved Baby Jessica not you! It was in a bar (see how you put in just enough truth to make it credible), but I've never even been to Toronto or Montreal or wherever you said.

[gevan]

I didn't know that Mormons even liked Gays, much less helped them.