At 11:00 this morning, Jerry Brown will announce that he's running for governor of California, because he's cycled through all the other jobs in the state, and he's back at stage one. (It's a Buddhist thing.) He joins a race already in progress between Steve Poizner, a billionaire with no personality, and Meg Whitman, a billionaire with multiple personalities. We're 99 days out.
Q) How can there still be 99 days until the election? I saw so many Meg Whitman ads during the Olympics, I thought kissing her ass was a sport.
A) Meg Whitman has a lot of money and buys a lot of ads. She just started airing attack ads against Steve Poizner, a man some polls show her leading by 30 points. Oh, and the election isn't in 99 days. That's just the primary.
Q) Steve Poizner has a billion dollars too. Where are his ads? When's he going to start making me want to kill myself if I hear his name one more time?
A) Steve Poizner doesn't need fancy ads. He has ideas.
Q) Like what?
A) You know California's $20 billion deficit? He's going to get rid of it with tax cuts.
Q) Okay, don't talk to me about Steve Poizner anymore. Ask me about the serious candidates.
Fine.
1) Which candidate has pledged to spend up to $150 million of their personal fortune to win the election -- the first public office they've ever sought?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
2) Which candidate has, so far, refused to debate an opponent and has spent the bulk of the $30 million they've already put into the campaign on ads?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
3) According to the L.A. Times, which candidate told their primary opponent to drop out of the race, or, in the words of a campaign consultant, "You know, Steve, if you proceed, the campaign will leave your political career in shambles because we will spend that much money to beat you and pretty much destroy you?"
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
4) Which candidate was the inspiration for John Ritter's character in the underrated 70s comedy Americathon?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
5) According to the L.A. Times, which candidate has "warned labor leaders that if they gave money to Democratic operatives planning to attack her, the billionaire candidate would respond by spending millions to qualify a ballot initiative that would make it harder for unions to use dues for political purposes"?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
6) Which candidate's mother said: "Meg was a pretty good swimmer. But at meets, I had to be there, because if she wasn't at least first or second, she'd be screaming with rage."
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
7) Who said "Money doesn't talk, it swears."
Bob DylanMeg Whitman
8) Which candidate appeared in a Reaganesque pose on the cover of a business magazine with a horse that turned out to be a rental?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
9) Which candidate took a million dollar bribe from Goldman Sachs -- and a position on their board -- but had to give both back like a rented horse?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
10) According to a flyer someone stuck on my windshield in the parking lot at Target, which former California governor covered up the Kennedy assassination on orders from the Pope and the Knights of Columbus?
Jerry BrownEarl Warren
11) Which candidate has been a governor before?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman
12) Which candidate has never done anything for anyone except for money and the main chance?
Jerry BrownMeg Whitman