Hobby Lobby to Improve Work Performance through Biblical Punishments

OKLAHOMA CITY -- Monday, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby that for-profit businesses with religious objections are no longer required to abide by the laws of an enlightened, first-world society. Emboldened by the decision, Hobby Lobby says it's eager to unleash even more religious freedom on its employees.

"We live our lives according to Scripture," said Hobby Lobby founder David Green, bathing his opening shift in the Blood of the Lamb. "And naturally, that flows over into the business."

But in this arts-and-crafts Eden, all that glitters is not always gold -- and the Green family says it now plans to tackle poor work performance with punishments directly from the Word of God.

"The minute I heard we won, I sent the memo to HR," said Green. "We notified our staff that anyone who comes in tardy or makes personal calls from a company phone gets two friendly warnings, then it's stoning, burning, decapitation, or strangulation."

Hobby Lobby said the day after the memo went out, productivity was up 250 percent. Only one employee missed her shift because of complications with her pregnancy, and was immediately terminated because of her unwed status.

"Following God's Will really takes the sting out of these otherwise tough decisions," Green said.

Next, Hobby Lobby says it plans to exercise its religious freedoms in defense of corporate personhood through armed invasions of competitor craft stores Michaels and Jo-Ann, and enslavement of the conquered women and children.