WASHINGTON -- Thrilled to discover American voters still knew his name, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum wasted no time after recent caucus victories to attack Obama's contraception stance as 'trampling' religious freedom.
"I think I speak for many Americans when I say that expanding personal choice is the exact opposite of freedom," an irate Santorum said, flagellating himself on MSNBC's Morning Joe.
Inspired by Santorum's iron-fisted crusade, conservative groups across America are demanding restrictions everywhere as an expression their own religious freedoms.
The Association of Jewish Noshers called for an all-out ban on breakfast sausage patties, saying, "Simply knowing that someone, somewhere, might choose to nibble a Jimmy Dean is an affront to religious expression."
The Church of Scientology wasn't exactly sure what it stood for, but released its own press statement saying, "Yeah. What they said."
House Speaker John Boehner vowed that Congress would reverse the Obama contraception mandate. "It violates our Constitution," he said, casting an orange glow across the House floor yesterday.
"Oh, for Pete's sake," the White House said at last night's press conference. "It doesn't matter what we do, these people are against it. Fine. If that's how they want to play, starting tomorrow, President Obama wants to privatize Social Security -- no, wait, he's going to get rid of it altogether. And, uh, we're bringing back public witch burnings, the slave trade, and curing the sick with leeches. Not covered by Medicare, obviously."
Upon hearing the White House's statement, a conflicted Boehner sat bolt upright in his coffin, shaking his fist, "You win this round, Obama. You win this round."