Can We Briefly Talk (Honestly) About Weddings?

06/26/2015 02:40 pm ET | Updated Jun 25, 2016



Can we talk seriously, just for a moment, about weddings. Like, really have a serious conversation about weddings and why they're one giant, annoying, unnecessary, selfish, Ponzi scheme. Yes... a Ponzi scheme.

Now before you flip your shit and morph into Bridezilla v2.0, let me explain what's happening this weekend.

I have to go to a wedding this weekend. Sucks to be me, I know. It's not even a friend of mine. It's my girlfriend's friend, which is like... the worst predicament to be in. But she gets it. She asked me last night if I could "pretend to have fun."


She is not "like other women."


Sandwiched in between barbecues, fireworks, and annoying kids free on school vacation, the summer brings with it the annual and (what seems to be) endless run of weddings. All sorts of weddings, too. Black-tie barn weddings (such an oxymoron). Vineyard weddings. DESTINATION WEDDINGS!!! GET IT??!! DESTINY-destination wedding! OMGOMG WE'RE SO IN LOVEEE COME TRAVEL FIVE HOURS TO SEE US KISS!

The established wedding, as we know it to be, is the ultimate "gotcha" event. Every time I go to one I'm always waiting for some van to pull up and a camera crew to jump out of that sliding pedophile door with cameras and a spotlight and just scream something like, "YOU'RE ALL SUCKERS FOR FALLING FOR THIS!!"

This hasn't happened yet (sad emoji).


If you've had a wedding, or are planning one, more specifically since social media has been around, you're kind of an asshole. Not a huge one. But you still are one.

Oh, no? Don't think so? Tell me how you're not. Please. Because what basically happens is that you send me a piece of expensive cardboard, what you call a "Save-the-Date," telling me to put aside a time weekend three years into the future, in the middle of summer, which, if you didn't realize, was peak vacation season.

"Do I want to go to Nantucket this weekend, or your wedding in Hoboken Nantucket? [Does the scale thing with my hands] Hoboken?"

You're an ass. When most people just want to head to the beach after a shitty work week to drink some cheap beer out of a tumbler or have sex in Cannes (SFW), you can't. Or I can't this weekend.

Booking a hotel room (OH BUT I'M GETTING A RATE SO IT'S ALL GOOD!!) sucks. They never have early check-in on a Saturday for some reason. And then I have to hope that I don't gain three pounds by 2017 because my only good summer suit is a slim fit. But, okay, I might have to buy a new suit for a couple of hundred bucks, not the end of the world. Oh, but I'll look forward to the bottom shelf open bar that's really only open for twenty minutes during appetizers, so that will cost me thirty bucks with a date and tips. And if it's a destination wedding, i.e., the most egregious of the weddings, it's even more money with travel costs.

If you're a woman... I feel for you. I really do. Weddings are tough for women. That purple and yellow bridesmaid dress that not only do you have to buy, but unless you have some semi-formal to go to, will never wear again. Your hair and make-up is, what, $300? Hair that I'm just going to be pulling come midnight (lovingly, of course).

Oh.. and the:

Engagement shower.

Bridal shower.

Wedding shower.

Bachelorette shower.

(Seriously... Can you girls think of another shower?)

Oh... the gift! I OWE YOU A GIFT! OF COURSE! How could I forget to give you money for being in love!?? What an asshole I am.

Let's call this what it really is. You're asking me for money for being in love. Why can't you just do this shit in your backyard, upload it to Vine so there's a record of it (weddings should last ten seconds anyway), and I'll send you some money. Do you guys have PayPal? What about Venmo? Is your email still JessicaAndBradTieTheKnot@gmail? I know that's what you had on your interactive wedding invitation.


Still don't think this whole thing is a scam? Fine. You don't have to believe me. Just watch the video below. No, really. Watch it. Then come back to me so we can finish.

Are you back? Good.


I love that the very symbolism of your"love" is based on complete horse shit that's a century old and from a diamond company worth $6.1 billion that has NOTHING TO DO WITH SELLING YOU DIAMONDS AT ALL. By the way, the guy who made that video is an American hero.


This weekend, instead of going up to some New England lake house with an organic-craft-one-off-limited-edition-rose hip-beer in one hand, and a cemita in the other, I'm traveling six hours to attend a four hour event. All at my expense.

Will I pretend to have fun?


Of course.


Image credit: Stock Photo