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BOO!! Two Spine-Tingling Tales Of Terror

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[Today's Hallowe'en column is in two ghastly parts -- one frightful, fingernail-chewing tale for each side of the corpse-ridden and zombified political divide.]

Gather 'round, ghouls and goblins! Our annual Hallowe'en fright fest is about to begin... full of scary monsters, ghostly tales, and horrors galore... because on this night, everyone -- even the politically wonky -- deserves to be scared right down to their socks!! O, ye lefties -- think you that Obama's election absolutely cannot be derailed? O, ye righties -- think you that Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barack Obama comprise the creepiest, most apocalyptic trifecta of liberal horrendousness you can imagine?

Well, think again! No matter what your deepest and darkest fears may be, no matter how mind-shattering your own political nightmares may be, you ain't heard nothing yet! Because your humble storyteller from the crypt has frightful and spooky stories to terrify both sides of the political chasm tonight... so without further ado, drag up a gravestone and gather 'round... for this year's two Spine-Tingling Tales Of Terror™!!


Nightmare On Democrat Street


Three days before the U.S. election, Osama Bin Laden releases a message to the world.

The entire content of this message is as follows:

"This is Osama Bin Laden. I want to thank the American people, who are about to elect my trained operative Barack Hussein Obama as their President. Since he has always been under my secret orders, this means Al Qaeda has won and will soon rule American as the Islamic country it was ordained to be by Allah. Obama will be getting my final instructions right after the election. Obey your new Islamic overlord, and follow all his orders, for your own good. I'm Osama Bin Laden, and I approved this message."

Now, let's admit one thing -- there is absolutely nothing that Barack Obama can do or say at this point to stop what is about to happen. Which is that complete panic and chaos erupts immediately across all of America. Obama bumperstickers and lawn signs are hastily removed, in fear of the roving torch-waving mobs who are smashing anything with his name on it (and anyone, for that matter). The opinion polls don't have enough time to accurately measure the result of this, but it becomes evident on Election Day -- when John McCain takes 49 states, leaving Obama with only seven electoral votes, from Washington, D.C. and Hawaii.

John McCain is sworn in as the next President of the United States in January. Two days later, he opens his first Cabinet meeting with the words: "My friends... URK!!" -- and then he promptly dies. This wins him the ignoble record for the shortest presidential term in office in all of American history -- beating out William Henry Harrison, who only lasted a month (unless you technically count David Rice Atchison, which I have to say I do not).

Sarah Palin is immediately sworn in as the first female President.


My 2008 Jack O'Lantern. Horrifying, eh?


Palin immediately appoints her husband Todd as Vice President, and Wayne Gretzky as her Secretary of State.

Barack Obama is brought up on treason charges -- and is saved from a rabid lynch mob by federal authorities, who then immediately ship him off to Guantanamo Bay.

President Palin, when asked if Obama is facing the death penalty replies: "Oh, you betcha." Which begins her eight-year reign as America's Theocrat-in-Chief.

[I leave it as an exercise for the student to fill in the remainder of this Democratic nightmare...]


Nightmare On Republican Street


The polls were right all along. They even understated Barack Obama's support, and he winds up winning 43 states and Washington, D.C. To rub salt in the wound, he wins the popular vote by a margin of 57 percent to 41 percent, a 16-point gap over McCain, and one of the biggest voter mandates in the past century. Election poll shenanigans don't even matter, because the tidal wave of Obama votes is so massive that it would have overwhelmed any tinkering at the fringes.


My 2006 Jack O'Lanterns. Spooky!


The Democrats pick up 40 seats in the house, for a 276-159 majority (a 117-seat gap). They also pick up ten seats in the Senate. Joe Lieberman bolts the Democratic party after he is stripped of his committee seniority, but nobody even notices -- because even with Lieberman gone, the Democrats still have a filibuster-proof 60 seats.

In their congressional party leadership elections, the Democrats boot out Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid... and install even more liberal congressional leaders. Dennis Kucinich is elected Speaker of the House. Socialist Party Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont is elected Senate Majority Leader.

Barack Obama then announces his Cabinet choices:

  • Secretary of State -- Martin Sheen

  • Attorney General -- Michael Moore

  • U.N. Ambassador -- Arianna Huffington

  • Secretary of Defense -- Cindy Sheehan

  • Secretary of Education -- William Ayers

  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs -- A randomly-chosen homeless vet who sleeps under a bridge

  • Secretary of Agriculture -- Snoop Dogg

  • Secretary of Interior -- A randomly-chosen Native American

  • Secretary of Energy -- Al Gore

  • Secretary of Labor -- The Dixie Chicks

  • Secretary of Commerce -- Ralph Nader

  • Secretary of Health and Human Services -- Oprah Winfrey

  • Secretary of Homeland Security -- Bill Maher

  • Secretary of Housing and Urban Development -- Reverend Jeremiah Wright

  • Secretary of Transportation -- Some hippie guy who rides his bike to work

  • Secretary of Treasury -- Noam Chomsky


Alaska, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Texas, Mississippi, and Kentucky immediately announce they are seceding from the Union. They are soon followed by Nebraska, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, South Carolina, and Tennessee.

The Second Civil War begins (also called the "One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State" War). Millions die as a result. When the secessionist states are finally conquered, President Obama announces that Christianity will be outlawed in these states for a generation, and all guns in these states will be immediately confiscated. The Second Reconstruction begins, and all lands within the secessionist states are handed over to African-Americans under the "Forty Acres And A Mule" Act. The only people allowed to run for office in the Reconstruction states have to be certified as being "totally gay" by a panel of experts from San Francisco. Rush Limbaugh is drawn and quartered on the Capitol steps, much to the delight of passers-by.

All those who took up arms against the United States are labeled "terrorists" and the full impact of the gutting of the Constitution under George W. Bush finally sinks in to them, as they are officially declared "enemy combatants" -- and hence don't even have the Geneva Conventions to rely on, during their subsequent imprisonment and hideous torture.


A Happy Hallowe'en To All!!


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