Borrowing Time for Bliss

Borrowed time: The sad reality that, more often than not, it is the people around you who are really in charge of your schedule. Therefore, if you want any time for yourself --to go to the gym, say, or spend your lunch hour at your desk shopping online -- you need to "borrow" the time from someone who thinks they have a more important claim to it. This sad reality has led to countless magazine articles in which experts advise you to "schedule me-time" or "put fun on your calendar," which, if nothing else, at least gives you a chuckle.

- Kristin van Ogtrop, from Just Let me Lie Down

I know how addictive busyness and mania are. But I ask [my students] whether, if their children grow up to become adults who spend this one precious life in a spin of multitasking, stress, and achievement ... will they be pleased that their kids also pursued this kind of whirlwind life? If not, if they want much more for their kids, lives well spent in hard work and savoring all that is lovely, why are they living this manic way?

Will they give me one hour of housecleaning in exchange for the poetry reading? No? I understand. But at 80, will they be proud that they spent their lives keeping their houses cleaner than anyone else ... ? Or worked their fingers to the bone providing a high quality of life, but maybe accidentally forgot to be deeply and truly present for their kids, and now their grandchildren?

I've heard it said that every day you need half an hour of quiet time for yourself, or your Self, unless you're incredibly busy and stressed, in which case you need an hour. I promise you, it is there. Fight tooth and nail to find time to make it. It is our true wealth, this moment, this hour, this day.

- Anne Lamott, from the April 2010 issue of Sunset magazine

The above definition of "borrowed time" made me howl with laughter. Perhaps because I'm one of those experts in magazines telling people how I put time for myself on my Google calendar, which is a little like scheduling sex: once it's on the task list, the joy is sort of sucked right out of it.

That passage from van Ogtrop's book is matched by Anne Lamott's recent Sunset Magazine essay, "Time Lost and Found," also quoted above. It made me weep here just now, sitting in a coffee shop; you really have to read the whole thing for the full impact.

Unplugging from my highly-wired life is both difficult and delightful. I crave more time to attend to my nagging list of should-dos. If my iPhone is in arm's reach and I have even a moment of downtime, I still check it, even though my work email is now disabled. Look up from your latte and just breathe, I tell myself. Every single second does not need to be "productive."

Lamott is right: Busyness is addictive. And since beginning this series only two weeks ago, I've been experiencing withdrawal symptoms that crack me up. Like someone who checks her wrist for the time even when she's not wearing a watch, I feel my mind constantly checking for new data: Do I have new email? Voicemail? Texts?

I know I'm not alone. Many parents I know are feeling a little out-of-sorts right now, with the routine of the school year shot and the excitement of no-school dying on the vine. Working mothers feel guilty that their kids are in all-day camps; stay-at-home parents feel guilty their kids are watching so much TV. But I am finding peace in just the attempt to slow down, even if I'm not exactly living a summer life of badminton on the lawn and backgammon on the porch.

Has anyone achieved that idyllic summer slow-down? If so, how the heck did you do it? I have recommitted myself to discovering a slower lifestyle -- I do, of course, fully believe in the power of poetry and play -- but the siren song of a highly productive life still calls compellingly to me.

This week, every single day, I'm going to spend an hour in "guilty" pleasure. Can I steal an hour a day with a novel or other reading that inspires me? Can I do this without putting it on my calendar as a repeat appointment that I will continually neglect for "more important" things? Can I instead ignore the impulse that something horrible will happen if I'm not utterly and totally efficient, if I don't check 1,000 things off my list today? That is my "Walking the Talk" challenge this week.

I always love company in trying to fulfill my resolutions, so please let me know if you are "Walking the Talk" along with me. If you are taking time for bliss this week, what is working for you? How is it going? What obstacles have you faced, and how can you remove them?

Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, whose mission it is to teach skills for a thriving, resilient and compassionate society. Best known for her science-based parenting advice, Dr. Carter follows the scientific literature in neuroscience, sociology, and psychology to understand ways that we can teach children skills for happiness, emotional intelligence, and resilience. She is the author of the new book Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents and of a blog called Raising Happiness. Dr. Carter also has a private consulting practice helping families and schools structure children's lives for happiness; she lives near San Francisco with her family.

 

 

 

Follow Christine Carter, PhD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raisinghappines

Comments

[JoFerrer]

05:44 PM on 07/15/2010

Love this article. It's very similar to what I wrote about on Monday. I guess the summer gives you a chance to slow down and reevaluate. We forget how important alone time can be. I've been taking time out of each day to do something I want to do. Tuesday after work I went to the pool and today I took a long walk after lunch before returning to work. Sometimes you just need those little things in your day.

Josephina
http://almostjosephina.blogspot.com/

[Toni Bernhard]

11:11 AM on 07/15/2010

Thanks for this article. I just wanted to add that even people who are struggling with their health need to take a time out for bliss. I've written about this in my book on living well with chronic illness. There's a tendency for illness or other disabling conditions to take over our lives (they can feel like a full time job at times). But it's important to sometimes leave thinking about doctors and treatments and cures behind for a bit and to cultivate bliss.

Toni Bernhard
www.howtobesick.com

[jeanneyogini]

10:02 PM on 07/13/2010

Great advise on finding more time for bliss. I love meditating and sinking into the silent state of inner bliss. When my mind transcends the temporary joys of the outer world, it gets satiated in the timeless serenity of inner Being. After meditation, I find I can derive more joy from the mundane as I am already full inside and my heart and mind are more sensitive and appreciative.

[tomfin]

01:12 PM on 07/13/2010

Much of our problems stem from too much input - television, email, cell phone, internet, etc.
I decided to get rid of time wasters starting with television. STOP watching the "great babysitter"...television. Believe me the world will not collapse without your knowing about it.

Use this time to discover and follow your bliss.
Take a day where you leave all the electronic devices aside and are not to use them (circa 1995).
Take care of your body and mind ... meditate and participate in your favorite sports and exercises.
Periodically, learn to cook a new healthy meal and share it with others ... have a cookout and socialize.
Learn something new that inspires you which adds diversity to your life.

Hmm, come to think of it, before we had all these INPUT devices...what did our parents do? Let's see, they took care of their:
spiritual well-being (meditation): check
physical well-being (diet and exercise): check
emotional well-being (socialize): check
intellectual well-being (learning): check

I am far from being a Luddite - after all I am both an engineer and computer scientist. BUT, I also know how to balance my life. I use technology to enhance my life not run it.

[Freddc]

11:58 AM on 07/13/2010

can you manufacture bliss, when bliss is totally outside the thought process... although it may appear to be in your head? LOL!

perhaps bliss in the context above means not paying attention to the clutter of your mind. not attaching to the debris of the temporary.

it's interesting to note that until the thought arrived that "this is an obstacle" there wasn't any obstacle. until that thought got attached to, it was all so effortless and spontaneous, one might even go as far to say... blissful...LOL!

what happens if i didn't have to walk any talk? would the world dissolve in a fit of laughter? HA!!!!

[Daoine]

10:39 AM on 07/13/2010

My biggest obstacle is the guilt I feel for just taking time for me. I sometimes become so totally overwhelmed by the need to be making progress on something, ANYthing, that I find I get absolutely nothing done. Making the decision and organizing my thoughts becomes overwhelming in itself and nothing gets accomplished in the end. I find if I set one single goal for myself every day (clean the oven, do the laundry, choose recipes for the week, bathe the dog, etc.) things don't appear to be quite so overwhelming as trying to think of everything at once. And I generally discover at the end of the day that I got several other things done that I hadn't even listed. Now...if I can just make myself walk away and leave that blackberry in the other room, voicemail will actually pick up... :)

[bthechangeyouseek]

08:55 AM on 07/13/2010

Good message, but I was hoping for more.