"Beware the banality of a busy life."
–Socrates
Since my book Raising Happiness was published, I've met so many unhappy mothers I've come to believe there might just be an epidemic of unhappiness in mothers. Studies have long showed that parents tend to be unhappier than their childless counterparts. (Seven percent unhappier, on average.) Parents tend to feel happier grocery shopping and sleeping than they do when they are with their kids.
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Maybe we expect too much happiness out of child-rearing. Should we accept that kids are a lot of work, and they are necessarily going to drain the cheer right out of us? I don't think so, actually.
One significant cause of increased unhappiness among mothers is that we are so damn busy. Everyone asks: How are you? And everyone answers: I am so busy. "We say this to one another with no small degree of pride," writes Wayne Muller in his treatise on rest, "as if our exhaustion were a trophy, our ability to withstand stress a real mark of character. The busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others."
Busy-ness does not make us happy. Muller reminds us that the Chinese symbol for busy is composed of two characters: heart and killing.
This trouble with the busy-ness of motherhood is that most of the work is instrumental. And the trouble with instrumental work is best illuminated by a famous study by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of Flow. Csikszentmihalyi unintentionally induced what looked like text-book cases of generalized anxiety disorder in his subjects simply by instructing his subjects as follows: from the time you wake up until 9:00 PM, "we would like you to act in a normal way, doing all the things you have to do, but not doing anything that is 'play' or 'non-instrumental.'"
Research subjects could make the beds and wash the dishes, drive carpool, go to work, come home and make dinner, supervise homework and bedtime—any of this sounding familiar?—skipping those moments of enjoyment in the day that bring flow or rest. They avoided those things at work they'd do just for fun, skipped the lovely breather they'd take when the kids are off to school, refrained from juicy-but-not-productive sex when the sun went down.
Following these instructions for just 48 hours produced symptoms of serious anxiety—restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, muscle tension—by eliminating flow and play from their lives. In other words, we get anxious when we aren't having fun.
Dan Pink, in his must-read book Drive, writes about what happened to these particular research subjects:
The results were almost immediate. Even at the end of the first day, participants "noticed an increased sluggishness about their behavior." They began complaining of headaches. Most reported difficulty concentrating, with "thoughts [that] wander round in circles without getting anywhere." Some felt sleepy, while others were too agitated to sleep. As Csikszentmihalyi wrote, "After just two days of deprivation...the general deterioration in mood was so advanced that prolonging the experiment would have been unadvisable."
When we strip motherhood of play and flow—as we so often do, just to get everything done—our mood deteriorates. It isn't just worry about our children and endless housework that make us anxious and unhappy; it's that we aren't actually having fun anymore. Fun, rest, relaxation, flow have been squeezed out of our lives in the pursuit of more. More sports for our kids, more homework, more driving to activities, more work so we can earn more money so we can buy more stuff. We are poisoned by the hypnotic belief, writes Muller, that "good things come only through unceasing determination and tireless effort," and so "we can never truly rest."
This year on Mother's Day, I hope we all get to truly rest. I challenge us all to systematically add fun back into our lives. This may mean that we are less productive. I may never get to the bottom of my email box. I may never really figure out how to use twitter. I might not be able to blog more, do more radio shows, or give more talks. I worry that if I don't continue to work myself to the bone that I will not earn enough money to give my kids the education I want to give them.
But of course, this is faulty logic. Over-work—work without rest, that ignores the regular cycle of life, the yin and yang of inhaling and exhaling—does not make us more productive. In fact, in nature, we find that when we let plants or land or hibernating animals rest they are dramatically more productive.
With under two weeks to prepare for Mother's Day, I propose a Happiness Challenge:
I'm meaning to start a social movement here, people. I'm tired, and I know I'm not alone. Parenthood can be one of the most fulfilling and joyful things that we do. Science is giving us lots of clues about the things that make life happier: play, flow, mindfulness, friends, gratitude. But it is up to us to pursue those paths that will, in fact, make us happier.
Perhaps then the next time someone asks me how we are, we won't be compelled to say, "busy."
Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, whose mission it is to teach skills for a thriving, resilient and compassionate society. Best known for her science-based parenting advice, Dr. Carter follows the scientific literature in neuroscience, sociology, and psychology to understand ways that we can teach children skills for happiness, emotional intelligence, and resilience. She is the author of the new book Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents and of a blog called Half Full. Dr. Carter also has a private consulting practice helping families and schools structure children's lives for happiness; she lives near San Francisco with her family.
References:
Muller, Wayne. (1999). Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our Busy Lives.
Pink, Daniel. (2009). Drive.
Gilbert, Daniel. (2006). Stumbling on Happiness.
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. (1991). Flow.
Follow Christine Carter, PhD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raisinghappines
Kiri Westby: 'Each Moment Is New': Lessons from the Front Lines of Motherhood
Jennifer Lopez Juggles Motherhood and Her Career
What the Sandra Bullock Saga Can Teach Us About Step/Motherhood
You will have the opportunity to ask Christine questions on the call.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKC_jw03LvA
As far as I can tell, we moms are doing the best we can. We shouldn't beat ourselves (or other moms) up about the choices we make.
And we certainly shouldn't aim to be Supermom. She's a mythical figure.
http://bit.ly/btVeZH
What am I going to commit to? Not trying to live up to someone else's standards of what motherhood should look like. Playing in my garden more. And getting more massages.
Happy Mother's Day, ladies - God bless us, every one.
~Laura Families of Two http://lauracarroll.com
Anyone who "isn't sure" about having kids - should hold off.
About the only thing I can add to the article is this: Do what you love doing. If that includes raising a child, please do; kids need good parents. But if you're not willing to give up the huge amount of time, money, and energy required, please don't become a parent due to family or societal pressure. Make that choice carefully and thoughtfully.
Sadly, we often condemn those who don't appear to be as "busy" (or "worthwhile") as we are. While this "one-upmanship" may feel good for a minute...it contributes to the decline in our own personal "time", "rest" and "enjoyment". Ultimately, it just complicates everyone's life. The "busier you are" - the "busier I must be"...it's a never ending cycle that doesn't end well for anybody.
(Christine - Great article! I really hope people slow down and think about the things you've said.)
In the end, what works for me won't work for other women. I think the overall challenge is figuring out what works best for yourself and going with it.
Sad...but true. Our society needs to start acknowledging that there is a price to be paid for creating generations of "mothers without retirement" and (alternately) "latchkey kids". It seems somebody is always left "abandoned" - either parent or child.
Each generation is truly dependent upon those who are younger and older. Human beings enter the world helpless...and often leave it in the same "dependent" condition. We need adults to care for us when we are children...and when we are elderly (or infirm) we need people younger than us to care for us until we pass away. We are an interdependent species.
Our country has taken the whole "personal responsibility" mantra to the extreme...and nearly abandoned any sense of "social responsibility". There will likely be serious consequences for this "choice". Would you rather our "young people" - achieve financial success and become productive members of society (and taxpayers - paying into YOUR social security system)...or end up costing society tens of thousands of dollars annually because they feel worthless and end up in our prison system (the U.S. has the highest incarceration rate in the world!)? When we short change "some kids" - we all will eventually pay. It may be in the collapse of our Social Security system...or it might be when we're mugged (as we're all "minding our own business"). Every choice we make - as individuals and as a society - comes with potential benefits or consequences. It behooves us to think of other people (children) as "valuable" - instead of as a "burden".
Love, love, love your work!! We just used many of your thoughts in our "How to Be Happier" blog last week at http://ruhap.com/content/category/blog/
We always love reading your comments.
Thank you *so* much, and Be Happy,
Gregory S. Barsh, Esq.
Chief Happiness Officer
ruHap, The Happiness Company
www.ruhap.com
I'm much happier as a single parent.
And a recent study showed that childless retirees tend to be happier as well (friends not children led to long term happiness; and friends are what parents tend to lose with while raising their children).
Life's too short not to make it fun.