Last night, one of my best friends called my cell phone twice in one minute -- our signal for distress -- the indication that I needed to pick up the phone right then, even if I was in the middle of dinner. I'd gotten previous distress calls when she found a suspicious lump (the biopsy was, thank goodness, benign) and when her daughter was in an accident. I knew that whatever was coming on the other line wasn't good.
"He is so mean to me," she sobbed into the phone. "It's the same crap year after year after year. I'm at that breaking point where it doesn't seem sane to continue to take it."
Oh boy: I hadn't seen that coming. This is the friend whose marriage sustains my (perhaps delusional) romantic belief in matrimony -- the marriage I point to as evidence that big love, deep connections, and truly equal partnerships are, in fact, possible.
But here she was struggling with the same question I've wrestled with for years: is it better for our kids if we stay in less-than-happy marriages?
Holy cow, is that a big question. And if you've ever seriously asked it, you know it can be an agonizing one. In the coming weeks, I'll be blogging about how I've answered this question for myself.
I know it's tempting to answer the question of whether or not we should stay together for the kids with a simple "yes." As a society we tend to think that kids will do better if parents stay together; that's what our grandparents' generation did, or tried to do. A mediocre marriage is better for kids than no marriage, right? We might believe this at least partly because of a hugely flawed -- but very influential and well-publicized -- study by Judith Wallerstein that "showed" that kids don't notice that their parents are unhappy in a marriage. Wallerstein argued that unless domestic violence is a part of the picture, kids are worse off when parents divorce.
Thinking that an unhappy marriage is better than no marriage -- whether the belief comes from our family or religion or a study like Wallerstein's -- has kept a lot of unhappily married Americans in their marriages. The study, by the way, while embraced by the press and published as a New York Times bestselling book, has been rejected whole-heartedly by social scientists because Wallerstein didn't use a random sample of families that had divorced or stayed married; instead, she looked at a group of divorced people with mental health problems. Her study doesn't meet accepted standards of scientific research, and its findings shouldn't be generalized to families that aren't struggling with the same things for which Wallerstein's tiny sample was being treated (usually histories of mental illness, clinical depression, and suicidal tendencies).
Here is what I've gleaned from the many good studies I've read on the subject: It is the quality of parents' relationships with each other, rather than whether they are married or single, that matters most for kids' well-being. Conflict is an important part of life, and kids learn from their parents how to handle conflicts that inevitably arise. But in general parental conflict—especially the anger and other negative emotions that conflict can create—isn't good for children's happiness, whether or not you are married.
"Studies of two-parent families have consistently found that when a couple's relationship is characterized by unresolved conflict and unhappiness, their children tend to have more acting out aggressive behavior problems, more shy withdrawn behavior, and fewer social and academic skills," write UC Berkeley researchers Phil and Carolyn Cowan.
Furthermore, when couples aren't getting along, their irritation or anger with each other often spills over into their relationships with their children. "Some children get a double whammy," write the Cowans. They suffer the consequences of both the "heated or frosty emotional tone of their parents' relationship" and the frequent result of co-parent conflict—"harsh or ineffective patterns of caring and discipline."
I've lived this: When my husband and I would fight I would have a hard time managing the powerful negative emotions that surfaced—anger, disappointment, hurt—while trying to keep Fiona and Molly's routines on track effectively. And I could usually win all the awards for crappy parenting if I also needed to handle a situation with the kids that required calm, consistent discipline. When I'm already upset, I tend to discipline the kids in a way that is, uh, not calm or collected.
So should you stay together for the kids? It depends on how high-conflict your marriage is, how unhappy you are, and whether or not you can fix these things.
Copyright 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley's
Greater Good Science Center. Best known for her science-based parenting advice, Dr. Carter follows the scientific literature in psychology, sociology, and neuroscience to understand ways that we can teach children skills for happiness, emotional intelligence, and resilience. She is the author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents and she has a private consulting practice helping families and schools structure children's lives for happiness, meaning, and ultimately, success.
References:
Cowan, P.A., and C.P. Cowan. "Strengthening Couples to Improve Children's Well-Being: What We Know Now." Poverty Research News 6, no. 3 (2002): 18-21.
Morrison, Donna Ruane, and Mary Jo Coiro. "Parental Conflict and Marital Disruption: Do Children Benefit When High-Conflict Marriages Are Dissolved?" Journal of Marriage and the Family 61, no. 3 (1999): 626-37.
Wallerstein, Judith S. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. New York: Hyperion, 2001.
Follow Christine Carter, PhD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/raisinghappines
John Medina, Ph.D.: Discipline Advice: A Magic Trick for Getting Kids to Follow Rules
www.nancypeske.com
The thing is though, no matter how well the parents get along (and most will not) when staying married for the kids, they are still modelling for their children a dysfunctional marriage, which, imo, dooms their children to follow suit in their own lives. That, to me, is one of the biggest risks parents take by staying together.
I honestly believe if both parents arent fighting in front of the children or wrongly treat each other infront of the children that they could raise perfectly stable children. I also know that people throw in the towel way to early because they are too lazy to try and fix their relationship. I know many couples who thought about divorce but stayed together for their children and ended up realizing they still loved each other and couldnt live without eachother. The kids provided a temporary bandaid on a bad relationship but over time their issues healed and the use of the child bandaid isnt needed anymore and the relationship prospered. Many older couples of generations pasts had the same issues couples had today, but because divorce wasnt seen an option they were forced to fix their situation, and almost all these couples are happy they stuck together, and are still in love. My uncle cheated on his wife for 20 years, but during the last 20 years of his life they loved each other so much, and when he died she was devastated and couldnt think about life without him. They stayed together for their children, but ended up staying together for each other.
it doesn't work for every couple, but I have found when you direct your energy towards making it better, instead of vacillating over whether to stay in or get out, something you started out doing for your kids, winds up being a gift to you.
by holding the question open - do I stay in or get out- you tie up tons of mental and emotional energy, every crappy day is seen through the filter of - should I really have to put up with this?
I'm not saying everyone should stay married, but I've found that in many cases people waste lots of time trying to decide if they're happy, when they could be taking the steps to make themselves happy.
the biggest excuse I hear is - well I'm willing to work on it, but he's not so what can I do?
I'm here to tell you when one partner decides they are going to work on being a better spouse, you would be amazed at the impact it has on the other person.
My advice -- look -- and think with the rational part of your brain -- before you leap. Take time.
It is also necessary that people realize that staying in a no hope relationship "for the kids" is not always the true motive. Some of the time that is just the 'noble' rationaliation for a fear of going solo, fear of starting over, fear of losing face, or fear of mom/dad/siblings judging us (and/or other factors of that kind).
So be alert to the 'official story' being extremely at odds with the real one and sort that out.
She's been dead since 1988 - so I wonder if the numbers are any better today, after 50 years of feminism have changed so many of the basic rules.
Seeing as we are a society mired in the swamp of narcissism, on the downside of American domination, I tend to doubt it. Societally speaking we're gasping for air, which is why there is such a proliferation of happiness projects.
My advice is for a couple to consult with another couple that has had a successful marriage, not with one of your friends who has had a divorce. Seek out people who have succeeded at marriage even in the face of adversity and conflict. If you consult with a marriage counselor, which I advise, stay away from the religious counselors who try to introduce a third party into the marriage - Jesus. These people can be dangerous.
One of the things I used to suggest is that the couple simply take a vacation from marriage, i.e., that they live in separate houses for a few months, but let the kids know they are still married. Continue doing things as a family. And, if absence makes the heart grow fonder, you might go back together. In any case, divorce is always a very difficult problem, and you will have to work very hard at finding the right answers.
As a former divorce lawyer, I do not recommend divorce.
Even though he and I no longer cared for each other , we did each care for the kids. I thought it was best if they could have a good relationship with their dad, that it would be good for all involved. Finally we did get a divorce, and all the stuff i'd put up with, hoping that, at least they'd have a relationship with their father, but , instead he spent more time trying to sabotage their relationship. until he ruined their relations, and now, several years later, they still choose not to have anything to do with their dad.
So even though I stayed, their relationship was destroyed.
it show the kids things are worth fighting for. it shows them not to give up. its not easy! its he/ll! its worth it!
ive been there...its worth it....it really is. now we are so bonded, we really see each other.
and if you cant handle the marriage remeber kids would rather be from a broken home than in one.