"My teenager is just not grateful for anything we do for him. I keep trying to introduce gratitude practices into our family dinners, but he just sulks through them. What can I do?" I hear this a lot in my classes for parents.
With Thanksgiving only just behind us, I've been thinking an awful lot about the power of gratitude -- "the power," as gratitude expert Robert Emmons explains in new "Greater Good" videos this month, "to heal, energize, and to change lives."
But I've also been reminded that some gratitude interventions -- practices that researchers design to increase gratitude in individuals -- don't always work for everyone. In fact, several prominent gratitude studies have shown that for some people, consciously practicing gratitude (in certain prescribed ways) actually doesn't make them feel more grateful.
We want to feel more gratitude -- and we want our kids to do the same -- because gratitude is so closely associated with happiness that the two are practically indistinguishable from one another. The opposite of gratitude is entitlement, which brings negative feelings like disappointment and frustration. But when we feel grateful, our world fills with positive emotions like love, compassion, enthusiasm and confidence, and our satisfaction with life soars.
What we've learned from the gratitude interventions that don't work is that one size definitely doesn't fit all. Just like we can't tell a baby to laugh at dinnertime simply because it will feel good, we can't just tell our teenagers to feel grateful so that they can reap the benefits.
So how can we help an entitled adolescent become happier through gratitude?
The first thing to remember is that teenagers' unique developmental task is to individuate: to break away from you, the parent who is looking for a little appreciation.
Every time teens take your advice -- about how to be happier, or by following your instructions for practicing gratitude -- they are setting themselves up to remain dependent on you and your great wisdom. But their main goal as teens is to get you to recognize their wisdom, their independence. Herein lies the problem.
Gratitude makes most of us happier because it is such a social emotion; it cultivates our sense that we are connected to each other. And social connections -- ties to friends and family and neighbors -- are the very stuff of happiness. But if you are a teenager trying to prove your independence, gratitude can make you feel more beholden to your parents or teachers, which doesn't feel good, but this doesn't mean that we should give up on teaching our teens to feel and express more gratitude in their lives.
Here are some suggestions for practicing gratitude with teenagers:
As Mike Riera artfully describes in his book "Staying Connected to Your Teenager," kids need to struggle with and for their autonomy, and this will sometimes mean struggling with feelings of entitlement and dependence. Our job as a parent is to help our teens become experts on themselves --including what they feel grateful for -- and to help them discover what they want for themselves.
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© 2010 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
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Spare the rod...
We live in a wealthy area where kids get whatever they want — cars when they get their license (even learner's permit!), exotic vacations, etc. In fact, teens in this area were the basis of Madeline Levine's book "The Price of Privilege."
My kids (products of two poor journalists) did not grow up with that privilege (nor would they have even if I had the money), so we've had many opportunities to talk about it. But the best thing for them has been their five weeks in the wilderness with National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS), in which they were not only in charge of their own survival but of each other. The trip challenged them in ways that living in the 'burbs never could. They saw themselves as leaders and gained a wonderful confidence that has allowed them to look at the excess around them with a new understanding and an appreciation of what they have. Powerful.
One thing I'll say about having kids who've lived through hardship - they certainly don't feel entitled. They're grounded and pragmatic. No doubt, children of divorce live scars that we cannot fully appreciate until they are adults. But we all have our scars. And learning to cope with some of life's challenges early on leads to appreciating the good moments. And I believe, to understanding what is essential.
Teens naturally want to "fit in" - and often that means stuff or privileges that we cannot all provide. Nor do we wish to. It's a fine line to walk as a parent. Enabling them to feel at ease with peers, but not overdoing with what we believe is unnecessary, or what may simply be impossible due to budget or other constraints.
I'm not much on "gratitude" as a term (and trend). We toss the word around as yet one more behavioral band-aid, rather than looking inward and outward and acting responsibly and honorably. But I very much like your focus on growth, allowing for expressions of humor (in whatever form teens may enjoy it), as well as altruism.
But you are speaking of issues of character, and they need to be taught by example much younger than the teen years.
I appreciate their gesture(s) of generosity, but wish that same generosity would be extended to allowing me to provide for myself what I can, if only for the sake of my own feelings.
I try to be grateful, and appreciate what they've done for me, and that they cared about me, but against a backdrop of having been constantly made to feel the coldness of their displeasure, in the form of screaming, terrorizing, guilt tripping, etc., the worst part of me cannot help but to feel resentful.
I'm sorry for my rant, but the discussion of "entitlement", has a nasty way of sending the word "ungrateful" echoing through me. I would have gratefully cast away whatever things I've been given, if it would have meant sparing me the cold winds of contempt.
THere are certainly two sides to every story and you may have to decide that you have done "enough" to appease your mother.THese situations are never resolved over night, so live your life and keep practicing gratitude in a general way. Gratitude keeps us tied to living in the moment.
Best of luck.
Many of us come from upbringings that left us with feeling that we would never be good enough. Its up to us to re-teach ourselves that this is not so. You are good enough. Start with your screen name.
Things have been different since she's been in college and among a more diverse group. The kids she grew up with were all just like her. But at college, she's been seeing students on financial aid. Students from single-parent households. Students with addicted or abusive backgrounds. It's been very eye-opening for her--and very good. At Thanksgiving dinner, she openly said she realized how lucky she's been and how grateful she is. Ah, progress.
My darling daughter has been participating in community service as part of her school and part of her church activities since childhood, but most of those were fairly tame. Now's the time, I think, to nudge her into volunteering more of her time to people in dire need. I think it'll help amp up the awareness and gratitude significantly.