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My (Real) Résumé

03/19/2014 10:27 am ET | Updated May 19, 2014

Objective:
To not have you hire someone 15 years younger for a lot less money.

Experience:
Usually too much. Otherwise not quite enough.

Responsibilities Include: Pretending not to mind that my boss is 29. Doing work above my pay grade without credit. Doing work below my pay grade with too much credit. Masking bitterness and resentment. Saying "pay grade" with a straight face.

Undergraduate Education:
Absurdly expensive. And a really long time ago. Jesuits present. Boyfriends lame. Plays performed. Beer plentiful, more of it than you might think courtesy of aforementioned Jesuits. Thank you for not asking about my GPA.

Graduate Education:
Also not cheap, or any more relevant to present job search. Upside: Witnessing the gradual devaluation of a Master's Degree (with honors!) in the performing arts is a certain kind of continuing education.

General Skills:
Overanalyzing, procrastinating, compartmentalizing, triggering checking account overdraft protection, self-doubt. Crap...you probably mean marketable skills. Does being authorized to work in the U.S. count? Let's see...I also have a valid driver's license. Never been convicted of a crime...BINGO! Unrelated: Proficient at feeding and dressing a cranky toddler.

Computer-y Skills:
AOL, Earthlink, Friendster, Discover card, copiers (black-and-white and color, but single-sided copies only, and please don't ask me to size down a full-page newspaper article), CD-ROMs, fax machines, mimeographs, floppy disks, microfiche, teleprinters, cassette tapes, eight-track players, rotary-dial and push-button phones, Polaroid cameras, Scantron, Sony Walkman, basic cable with universal remote (a.k.a. "the clicker"), legal-size envelopes, stamps, pens. Also, I'm pretty sure I invented signing emails with "xoxo."

Unmarketable Skills That Wouldn't Be If Life Were Fair:
I know when to use: "who's"/"whose," "i.e./e.g." and "momentarily"/"in a moment." I know not to say: "supposably," "irregardless" and "hone in on." It's "data are," not "data is." And don't get me started on "that's a whole 'nother thing." What else...? Ask me anything about Broadway musicals. Know the theme song from Alice by heart. And fairly certain I could crush you in ping-pong.

Activities:
Preferably sedentary. May include reruns of Will & Grace and/or dessert. Judge all you want, but that show was funny.

References:
Generous friends I've never worked with who happen to have big jobs. Family members with different surnames. Either way!

Writing Clips:
I have them, somewhere. Been meaning to get them up on Byliner.

Topics We Likely Will Not Cover During The Interview We Likely Will Not Have:
I actually watch Nightline. I've always paid below-market rent. My bad cholesterol is a little high (245). I've never seen Finding Nemo. I have seven siblings. I think Kurt Russell is underrated. I am not good with money. My son sleeps 12 hours a night and I love him for it. Barbra Streisand once told me she liked my sweater. When do I start?

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