Perhaps you've heard the term "helicopter parenting" as a way to describe the way today's 20-somethings (Gen Y) were hovered over in childhood by their parents. As a life coach to 20-somethings and consultant to corporations with Gen Y employees, I've seen the effects of an even more intrusive child-rearing style that I have coined as "cockpit parenting." Cockpit parents did more than hover. They sat right in the pilot's seat of their child's life, charting the course and navigating all of the twists and turns. And they often remain there well into their child's adulthood. The result is a trend of 20-somethings who are having trouble thriving as independent adults.
Cockpit parenting does come from a place of love. However, this intrusive and often controlling way of child rearing has caused many 20-somethings to be unequipped for life outside of the nest (which is why so many never leave or move back home after college). It is the children of cockpit parents who most often fit the stereotypes of Gen Y: sense of entitlement, consistent need for validation, non-self-starters, mediocre work ethic and a general lack of soft skills. Conversely, 20-somethings who come from backgrounds that may appear to be more difficult (such as having absentee parents) are more prepared for grown-up life because they had no choice but to grow up.
Sarah, 22, came to me for coaching after her mother sought me out to help her prepare for job interviews. During our first session, she handed me her résumé with a look of panic in her face, and said, "I need you to help me memorize this." Immediately, I knew that this request had indications of cockpit parenting. I replied, "What gives you the idea that you need to memorize your résumé, rather than just working on being comfortable talking about your experience?" And then the answer I suspected: "My mom wrote it for me and made-up half the stuff to make it look like I had more experience. So I have to memorize it to make sure it looks like I've done these things."
Cockpit parents tend to pull all kinds of maneuvers like this. Things like writing their child's résumé, calling in favors to their friends to get their child an internship or job, or even making-up corporations where their child has "worked." And let's not forget my personal favorite: listing themselves as references. These parents think they are helping, but they are not. There is a line between supporting your children and enabling them. And if cockpit parents continue to sit in the pilot's seat of their child's life, then the adult child continues to remain dependent on mom and dad for advice, money and answers to questions they should be answering for themselves.
Allow me to back up for a moment and discuss some reasons why cockpit parenting has become so pervasive. The trend that was popular when Baby Boomers had their children was a very "kid-centric" style of parenting. Parents were determined to have a better relationship with their children than they had with their own parents, so they became committed to making their children's lives easier. Additionally, as they climbed their way up corporate ladders, the control and power that created resulted in their work-life often coming home with them -- they started managing their children like employees. But these children had far more leverage and perks than any employee ever would.
Now, the study of emerging adulthood (or "adultolescence") has become a growing area of focus among psychologists and sociologists, as we are observing that today's 20-somethings are most certainly behind. A recent study commissioned by Zync from American Express as part of the Quarterlife Project reveals that only two in five people in their 20s describe themselves as being completely financially independent.
Many parents are beginning to realize that it is time to resign from being captain of their 20-something's life. Daniel, 29, and his father Peter came to me for coaching to work on cutting the purse strings. In our session, Peter confessed that he has realized how supporting Daniel financially has actually cost both of them: "All the while I thought I was helping Daniel by giving him the unconditional support I never got, but always wanted from my own father. Now I realize I have actually crippled my son and put us both in a situation that is hard for us to get out of." And as much as Daniel wants to provide for himself, he has grown accustomed and quite comfortable with the Bank of Dad. Until recently, Peter convinced himself that as long as he has the money to help his son, it's not a problem. But it is a problem because Daniel is failing to launch.
This article is not about pointing fingers at cockpit parents, but rather about pointing out that it is time for a change in parenting style. Below are some tips for cockpit parents to support their son or daughter in getting off the ground:
Changing your parenting style may result in your child not liking you as much for a while, but remember that growing pains lead to growth. The job of a parent is not to be liked, but to empower children to learn how to like themselves. I can assert from both personal and professional experience that the 20-somethings who are able to financially and emotionally support themselves have increased levels of self-esteem, happiness and success in their life.
With some healthy boundaries, you will gradually be able to eject from the cockpit of your child's life and allow them to be the captain. You may not always like the direction they are headed, or the speed with which they are going, but it is their plane to fly. There may be a little turbulence, but often this is a necessary part of reaching the final destination. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
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Helicopter parent - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Helicopter Parents: The Backlash Against Overparenting - TIME
The author means, "don't be intrusive in your kids' lives"; if they live with you in your basement or whatever and you're constantly looking at their pictures and commenting on everything and harassing them practically, just... don't do that anymore. Get your own life. She didn't specifically say "Hey ajaske, I know your kid's abroad for the next year...DISOWN HER! Don't keep in touch with her on Facebook! You're a BAD PARENT! I know all! Ahahahaha!" She is just trying to impart to parents that letting your kids do their own thing, make their own mistakes, is GOOD for them. So just chill out, and maybe consider the fact that this 31-year-old might have more insight into the ins and outs of raising teenagers/dealing with 20-somethings than you think she does. Good grief.
I believe your suggestions would, with minor adjustment, be applicable to most parents at any age.
Once, I watched in amazement while a seriously mislead mother consoled her 8 year old who finished just out of the trophies in a swimming competition by assuring her that "mommy" would buy her a trophy! The little girl quit swimming, and I believe at least in part it was because she saw little value in her efforts... I mean, mommy would take care of her needs, so why try so hard? They lived near us, and I do know that she is in fact living at home at 25, even though she is working, and mommy loves it. Good grief!
I read a few comments herein where phrases of inspiration, or quotes as reminders were written, and those are great, but while raising my kids, I kept a picture of a chick pecking its way out of a shell to remind me that their achievements would depend on their efforts, rather than mine. It worked... most of the time. :)
Lawson Meadows
When I was in kindergarten, other than my mother taking me to the first day, I walked about 1/2 mile each way to school each day, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, but always without adult supervision.
When I was eight, we were living in Mojave, California and my dad worked at Edwards. One day, a friend of mine and I filled our canteens, took a couple of pb&j sandwiches and walked at least 2 miles out into the Mojave Desert to climb an interesting looking hill because we saw what we thought might be an old gold mine. We forgot flashlights, however, and neither of us wanted to go inside so we walked back. Our parents weren't even aware we were gone.
When I was 9, we had moved to Tucson. The Y offered swimming classes, but we had only one car and my dad used it for work, so I rode a city bus alone.
At the age of 12, I got a morning paper route and for the next 3 years, I got up at 5:00 in the morning seven days a week to deliver them, often in total darkness.
None of this is to brag, but to illustrate how much more freedom we had, We also didn't have instant news about everything that happened within minutes of when it happened to convince people disaster is around every corner.
Auldphart
Or galavanting (?) around town with friends.
But, I was little in the eighties and early nineties, and now, it seems, human trafficking has made everyone so fearful of letting their kids walk to or from school.
Auldphart
That's probably a major part of it. The earthquake and tsunami in Japan would have been a major news story even back then, but we wouldn't have heard about it until the next day. There wouldn't have been 24 hour coverage of the thing for days afterward with "pundits" analyzing everything to the point of absurdity and you wish they would just shut the hell up.
I can see the effect of 24x7 news on my wife's 85 year old aunt. She was half-convinced she would need potassium iodide pills because reactors in Japan were leaking radiation. She forgot that from the time she was 19 until her very late 30's that thousands of nuclear weapons were detonated in the atmosphere for testing purposes, some of them only a few hundred miles away.
Auldphart
Unfortunately, what they call 'parenting' was largely restrictions on freedom. Plain and simple. I really couldn't leave the house. No, really, it was like, 'Hey Mom can I go ride my bike with friends?' "No, its too dangerous." In the suburbs of the San Fernando Valley.
To this day, I kid you not, I am afraid to go outside. The youth have so much energy, but when you are about 24 you get stuck in your ways. The Soviet Union used to argue much the same thing: give us your kids to 'instruct' and 'reeducate' for the first 18 years of their lives in the Soviet Way, and THEN, when they are over 18, let them choose a path in life. Ha ha, the Russians are not simple people; if you can control someone's life for the first 18 years you pretty much have that person on lockdown.
Yes, I feel like a child stuck in a 28-year-old's body. How did 'sheltering' me from the outside world protect me from the eventual reality of being thrown out by my 'parents?'
Huh? I'll be 65 in a couple of months and far from stuck in my ways. If you want to conquer your fear of going outside, the way you'll conquer it is to go outside even if you're afraid to do so. Eventually you won't be afraid.
Your mom was wrong to overprotect you. Back when I was growing up, we rode bikes, skated, climbed trees, played in the dirt, and we didn't have play "dates". We also didn't have the body armor that seems to be the lot of the modern child if there's the slightest chance for a minor scrape or cut. If we wanted to play with friends, we went to their houses and asked them to play with us.
I can think of a lot of things that were wrong with my childhood, but the one thing that was right and which was most important is that we were allowed to be kids. If we got scrapes or cuts, there was always iodine and a Band-Aid. Nobody made us paranoid about germs and the only time we had to wash our hands was meal time. If I'm healthy today, it's at least in part because I was exposed to a wide range of bacilli that would cause a modern parent cardiac arrest.
Auldphart
I've seen the youngsters raised by reasonably good parents or at least didn't cater to evey whim of their kids. They aren't the problem. It's the ones whose parents didn't even have the word "discipline" in their vocabularies that are.
One of our kids lived with us almost until the time he got married. However, he paid rent, he paid his share of the groceries and he did chores. Those were the conditions. Having a kid living at home isn't in and of itself the problem. However, if they're living at home rent free, being fed and cadging money from the parents, something is dreadfully wrong. I don't know if you're charging your daughter rent, but for her sake, I hope so.
Auldphart
I don't want to deride your daughter because frankly what she's doing is great and it's a travesty that society doesn't pay teachers more. But that's not a piece of work you take -- it's not even something you'd think about -- if you were desperate to survive and make more money than your parents. It might be totally un-PC to say this, but devoting time to helping others is a luxury enjoyed by the rich.
In the Hindu caste system, there's...
Protecting children from making mistakes and all of their consequences is not a good idea.
People who don't make mistakes are probably not doing anything.
My parents are divorced. I was raised by my mother at the lower end of the economic scale. My father remarried and raised several other children at a much higher end of the economic scale. I've never heard of this "hovering parent" concept before but I made the observation myself every time I went to visit my dad and his side of the family. My mother taught me the rules and she made me suffer the consequences every time I broke them (be them her rules, laws, the school's rules, etc.). It's been a hard path but I've been very successful and independent as an adult. My brothers, on the other hand, have not benefited from making their own decisions, mistakes, or even working hard to earn material things. The ability to live with Dad indefinitely has clearly castrated their motivation to be independent and they are nowhere near as mature as I was at their age.
As much as parents love their children, they simply MUST allow them to make mistakes if they ever want them to grow up.
I am surrounded by MD/PhD/JDs in my job, sometimes folks with two or all three of those. I am not on of them. They are smarter than me, no question. Sometimes, as part of my job, I have to tell them what to do or even debate them. I survive because I know the arguments I can win and those I cannot. I know my limits. Occasionally, I can even exceed my limits because the people I'm debating DON'T know their limits.
PS - Thank your mother.
Btw, I'm 30 myself, so not far off from the generation in discussion, but I've seen this quite a bit from teenagers I know.
It's kept me from making a complete pratt of myself by days.
About a month ago I heard my daughter say to my granddaughter, "You'll clean your room because I'm not raising a child, I'm raising an adult!"
Ain't life grand?
China.
I really think younger people (I am 33, for reference) have great energy and ideas about how we can move forward as a society, but I am seeing a lot of reluctance to lead and move into positions of responsibility. The Mark Zuckerbergs of Gen Y seem few and far between - people who are willing to take nothing and make it into something. I see it in my generation too. Where are our next leaders going to come from?