How To Get Over A Cheater
Dear Christine,
I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago because he cheated on me. I am really struggling - it infuriates and makes me sad every time I think about it. I feel totally betrayed and duped. Any suggestions on how I can get over this?
Cheated on, 28, Chicago
Dear Cheated On,
I am going to respond to your question by sharing about two recent sessions I had with clients in a similar situation. I'll refer to my first client as Kathy. Kathy scheduled a session with me because she continues to, in her words, "be tortured" by the fact that her ex boyfriend cheated on her. Understandably, Kathy was very hurt and angry and spent most of the session venting and asking questions like, "How could he do this to me?" and "Why did this happen?"
I listened compassionately to Kathy and told her I did not have an answer that would instantaneously make her feel better. Getting over any break-up takes time but the process can be accelerated by the types of questions we ask and are willing to answer. So I asked her gently, "Kathy, what do you think this experience is teaching you that you could only learn from this experience?" Kathy went into blame and began to tell me how fundamentally flawed her boyfriend was which caused him to cheat. I told her that I heard her and asked if complaining and blaming made her feel any better. A pause followed by a "no, not really." Again, I encouraged her to look at this situation from a different perspective and asked her what this experience was trying to teach her.
Her immediate response: "That men are sex-crazed jerks and I'm never going to trust another one again." According to Kathy, she saw this as more of a punishment than a learning experience.
A day later I had a session with another client I'll refer to as Nikki who was dealing with an almost identical situation. The coaching session began in a similar way: venting, tears, and questions about why this happened. When I asked Nikki if she was willing to look at things from a different perspective her response was, "Well looking at it from this perspective certainly isn't moving me out of feeling this way so why not!" Whether Nikki was aware of it or not, just that simple willingness had already created a shift inside of her.
I presented the same question to Nikki as I had to Kathy, "What do you think this experience is teaching you that you could only learn from this experience?" Nikki paused for a moment and allowed the question to marinate. She then responded, "Well I think it was a wake up call about how I treat myself more than it was about how he treated me." The tone of her voice completely changed - she was calmer, more vulnerable, and open. I acknowledged her honesty and asked that if outer experience is a reflection of inner reality , what was this reflecting back to her?
Nikki went on to share that she was learning that her boyfriend cheating on her was showing her how much she cheats herself. She admitted to patterns of not keeping her word with herself, settling, over-extending herself, and being extremely neglectful of her own needs. As she was coming to these realizations, she was also stepping into the willingness to stop these patterns. Her biggest "aha" was the awareness that in order for her to really wake up to how much cheating herself was costing her, it had to happen in her external world to get her attention. Nikki admitted that she tolerated cheating herself but couldn't tolerate another person cheating on her. But after seeing how painful the experience was, she finally was able to look at ways to be more faithful to herself.
Nikki continued to speak with ownership and by the end of our coaching session she reported that she felt a lot less angry at him. Her willingness to look at the learning opportunity does not mean that she deserved to be cheated on or caused the situation to happen, but it does create a space for more healing to occur. Asking the question, "Why did this happen to me?" and only answering it from a victim perspective rather than a student of life perspective cheats your healing process.
Neither Kathy nor Nikki is more "correct" - we all relate to challenges in different ways. The main difference is that Kathy continues to experience upset, hurt and blame while Nikki is experiencing more peace and acceptance. She also discovered a tremendous learning opportunity that is improving the relationship she has with herself.
Yes, your boyfriend cheated on you. Yes, it hurt - I am not minimizing it. But do you want to continue to feel the hurt and anger day after day after day? You do not have the power to change the past but you do have the power to choose which approach you want to take in the present: stay in upset and keep blaming him or go for the learning, forgive him and yourself, and move forward. To me if you choose to stay in the upset, you are only cheating yourself.
-Christine
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well said Christine!!!!
"Dear President Booth
I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago because he cheated on me. I am really struggling - it infuriates and makes me sad every time I think about it. I feel totally betrayed and duped. Any suggestions on how I can get over this?
Cheated on, 28, Chicago"
Yes. To get over this, think about it this way. YOU dumped HIM. You took control of the situation and acted decisively. As a bonus, you dumped him before he had a chance to give you HIV.
When my ex-husband was caught with one of his high school students, I think I was more in shock than anything else at first. But then I got angry for a long time. When I finally decided that wasn't helping me, I decided to look at why I was angry. It wasn't just about the cheating; it was about the way I had allowed him to treat me throughout our relationship. He was abusive.
I decided to take some ownership in the fact that I stayed in a relationship that was controlling and abusive. I allowed him to make me feel bad about myself. I allowed him to take my self esteem away.
I also decided that I wasn't going to date for a while. I was going to do things that I had always wanted to do. I learned to stand on my own more and with that I earned back my own self esteem.
The most important thing I decided was that I didn't want to live being suspicious and jealous. I had been the last to know about what he had been up to, that had been certain. However, I didn't want to become someone who didn't trust. I didn't want a relationship for a while but I left myself open for -- at a much later time -- attempting to trust again.
It worked for me. I found an incredible loving man who is trustworthy, kind, and an incredible husband.
...I would much rather have preferred to get the answer FIRST and then the two long stories...
.
WEll, my recipe for dealing with a cheating ex-husband who decided to leave me for a 20 something grad student? After I lost 25 lbs. from being so distraught, was to go to Victoria's Secret and go wild (the sales woman thought I was getting married and I quickly corrected her!!!). I also, and this was not preplanned, hooked up and married the handsomest guy in our rather large circle of friends. I just decided to get on with my life.
"Going home with lipstick on your collar is the only unplayable lie"--Arnold Palmer
One of the things life teaches you is to not take things personally. The fact that someone cheats says a lot more about him or her as a person than it ever says about the cheat-ee. It's hard NOT to take it personally, because it hurts. But trying to detach emotionally really does let the hurt dissipate.
If Nikki thinks that she was cheating herself, what does that mean for the person who is doing the cheating? What can the person who is doing the cheating learn about themselves? Why DO people cheat?
The reason for men cheating is simple. Men have a biological instictive drive to have sex with everything that moves. Most men get into a relationship with somebody they care about and will do anything to supress that instinct until it's gone. Some men can't/won't do it and will cheat. Simple. The men may be ashamed that they cheated, but they'll still do it.
Hmm. I don't know about the whole "biological instinctive" thing with reference to men in particular. It may or may not be true, but what is definitely certain is that women cheat just as much if not more-so than their male counterparts.
It's a choice.
I don't think so. I think people who cheat only really care about their own needs and desires. They don't care about the people to whom they've made commitments. It's selfishness. Both men and women cheat, remember. You are making excuses for men's behavior.
People who commit themselves to one another care about the other's feelings. They don't stray because they can't imagine the hurt they would bring to their partner. I won't speak for all of us, but many of us simply don't find anyone as interesting or attractive as our partners. I know I don't. My husband is more than just his great body and handsome looks. His way of being in this world, his caring and sense of self is what I really love. Someday we will both be old. It gives me great comfort to know we will always be having great conversations and he will always look on me with the love he does now. And if something tragic arises, we will deal with that as well because of the commitments we have made to one another.
It is so much more than sexual desire, though that is important and nurtured. It is about the strength of the bond between people who desire only each other for the rest of their lives. It is about two people who are strong enough to stand on their own but realize that together they are even stronger.
Cheating doesn't even enter the equation.
Women possess the same hormones and the same biological imperative that men do. Our society has perverted these theories of the male drive to cheat and use it as an excuse for men to behave as they always have in a world in which gender equality is still not a reality.
Everything you've said is true for a female as well as a male. We just seem to teach our girls that they should not be having sex with everything that moves while in the very same breath telling the boys that the same behavior is a positive aspect of masculinity.
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