Is 25 Too Young To Be In A Committed Relationship?

Dear Christine,
I'm 25 years old and I've been in a serious and exclusive relationship with my girlfriend since our junior year in college. There is nothing necessarily wrong with the relationship, but I'm starting to wonder if I am making a mistake by committing so early. I'm really not ready to get married, but I don't necessarily want to break up either. I've just never really experienced being single. Am I making a mistake I will someday regret by committing this early?
Questioning Commitment, 25, Los Angeles

Dear Questioning Commitment,

Part of what the twentysomething years are about is getting to know yourself and how you are as an individual - separate from your family, your friends, and a boyfriend or girlfriend. In a serious relationship, it's more challenging to figure out who you are.

I recommend people in their early to mid twenties do not get in super serious relationships - spend that time with your friends, establishing your career, and investing in your own personal growth. You will change so much in your twenties and as you change, the type of person you will attract will change as well. Plus, you have the rest of your life to share a tube of toothpaste with someone, so what's the rush?

And I'd be saying the same thing to a woman your age. Although generally speaking, women are more likely to want a serious, committed relationship; it's important for both men and women not jump into or stay in a serious relationship just because you don't want to be alone. It's important to learn how to be happy as a single, independent person - especially if you intend to eventually walk down the aisle toward lifelong partnership. I'm not encouraging you to "sow your oats" meaning sleeping with as many girls as possible, but the fact that you are questioning this commitment suggests that you are not ready to be a one-woman man.

It's also not fair to yourself or to your girlfriend to stay in this relationship just because it's become comfortable. I'm betting some major growth has happened for each of you since junior year of college until now. When was the last time you really took a look at the person you have become and the person your girlfriend is today? Also, what do you define as "nothing wrong" with the relationship? To ask that question a different way, what do you think is right with the relationship? A pro/con list may sound like a boring exercise, but it might help clarify for you what you want in a relationship compared to what you have now.

I'm also wondering where the subject of marriage comes up. At 25, it's not surprising you don't feel ready to get married, but are you feeling pressure from friends, family, or your girlfriend to become engaged? If you know that you are not ready, then it's time to have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. She may or may not be the person to spend the rest of your life with, but if you stay in this relationship and move it forward out of obligation, you are at best doing each of you a disservice and at worst will end up becoming bitter or resentful within the relationship.

This woman has obviously been such a large part of your life for so long, but for both of your sakes, be honest with yourself and with her. Your doubt is stemming from something, and it's best to address it now. If you end up deciding to break up, I'm not saying it wont be difficult, but it may end up being for both of your higher goods because believe me, no woman ever wants to be thought of as a mistake.

-Christine

Email your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

Comments

[PalestraNet]

Citizens of the City That Never Sleeps know infinite possibilities surround them. But by picking one restaurant, one club, one person - they rule out another. Not easy to do when you're part of the generation that wants it all.

I spent the weekend hanging out with my swanky New York friends and unanimously they agreed: meeting people is easy, connecting with people is hard.

Robert said potential partners aren"t willing to get serious, because there"s always another guy at the bar. "People don"t invest easily, because they are always looking for a better deal," he said. But it goes both ways. Robert says he"s always checking around and comparing options as well. "I rarely go on more than one or two dates with someone."

We discussed several of our friends who are already married. Generally speaking, our friends still live in their hometowns and married a high school or college sweetheart. In short, they met someone they liked and married. They didn"t try to get a "better deal."

Instead of commitment, young New Yorkers prefer disposable dates. Good for a night, but gone by the next day. They experience buyer"s remorse even after a fun evening. The night was good, but could it have been better? A quick scan of the room leads to more intrigue and thus the first date becomes the last date and they make a date for another first date. Sound glamorous? My friends say it gets lonely.

[spitar1]

These days? Yes, 25 is too early. Why? Because we have created a culture of prolonged adolescence so people get to extend their immaturity right up to their 30's! Awesome! Don't move out of mom and dad's until you're 28! Don't grow up and take charge of your own life! Don't learn relationship skills...well...EVER (check the divorce rates).

These days 35 is too early. Who wants to quit their live of livin' it up and partying all the time, working that rad job ad IHOP and living the good life.

America needs a reality check and it needs to grow up. Being a "lost soul" trying to figure it out until you're in your 30's is just lame. Guess what you find out...you're the same dill-hole you were when you were 25. You just have more debt, 10 extra pounds, less life in front of you and little else to show for your years of "finding yourself".

How about we as a society start giving our kids more responsibility and skills to make a life for themselves instead of coddling them, making them all think their special (they're not. There's not that many special people in the world...hence the term SPECIAL). People need to get over themselves. That probably includes me...but at least I admit it.

[mandycat]

As a woman who married relatively late in life (heck, let's be honest -- just plain late) I spent a great deal more time in the dating scene than most. I can testity that while there are all sorts of married skirt-chasers out there, the absolute worst of the worst were the guys in their early to middle 30's who had been married more than 10 years. The prudent move with that demographic was to carry pepper spray at all times. They loved their wives, they didn't want to lose their children or their homes. But it was as though they were having their mid-life crisis early, with the added danger that at 34 you have the energy to get into a lot more trouble than at 54. I avoided those guys like lepers and I hate to think what it would have been like to have been married to one of them.

[lauriemann]

Depends on the people. My husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 22. We've been married over 31 years now, and had one child. Marriage isn't always perfect and it does require work and a sense of humor and similar attitudes towards life.

[skunky93]

eh....in my experience....wait.

you change so much...and sometimes you wake up to realize that the people you thought you knew so well have changed too so really, they are strangers now.

It's a bit sad to think of it like that but its funny how change happens.
You can't really pinpoint it but you might realize at some point later on that there was a season, or an event, or a moment that kind of marks when that change occurred.
You can't really tell when its hapeningl but with some passing time, you might realize just how meaningful that moment in time was to you and how it changed you.
It's better to have no doubts and feel sure than to wonder 'what if'.

[Tamoomoo]

I don't think there is a proper age to get married. I think you should get married if you're mature enough.

[booker52]

I got married at 18, going to celebrate my 38th anniv this year. Either you are ready or not. I don't think age is the factor. I believe the person you are going to marry is. You both have to it. You both will change over the years. I am not the same person I was at 18 (thank God) neither is my spouse. You both have to be willing to give 100%.

[MelonCollie]

I got married last year at 25. I wish I would have waited - I do not think I am the same person I was five years ago, and I will be different in five more. Why did I just commit to "forever"? That was CRAZY!

My husband and I will just have to work diligently and focus on making our relationship flex with the ebb's and flow's we will inevitably experience in all aspects of the rest of our lives.

[auret]

i've been married to my wife for ten years... we got married when i was 23 and she was 21... I wish we got married even sooner...

the secret is don't have sex with anyone who you haven't already decided to spend your entire life with....

[NoSillyName]

Yes, in most cases.

[dctackett]

I agree with most people posting here... it's not about age.

It's about maturity, knowing yourself and your partner, and it's about your comfort level... I met my wife when I was 19, married at 21, she wouldn't marry me until I was 21 (she's almost 9 years older)... we waited to have our first baby, born when I was 29...

The only one who knows when the time is right is yourself... as long as you're honest with yourself.

[67bug]

I wasn't ready for a serious relationship until I was 43. I'm also a female and do not want children. I just waited until I met someone on the same page as me :)

[DereksDontRun]

It's only too young if you are a shallow squid. I'm 36 and have been married to my wife since I was 19. She is the light of my life and each new day is better than the one before was.

[ldavis24]

It feels good to know that people posting here understand that it really has nothing to do with age!
I wish the writer of this article understood that there can be mature young 20 somethings...

I got married at 21 and am still in my early 20s expecting a baby in May and my relationship with my husband has never been better!

Many people in our family told us we were rushing in but the best advice came from my best friend whose parents got married at 18 had a baby at 20 and are still married 30 year later after 3 kids.

She said to me before our wedding, "the ones who try to cut you down are afraid. Afraid that if they had dared to marry at 21 they would have missed out on what being young is all about, but my parents knew that you can have it both ways. You are still young and you get married and you realize you have that much more time to spend with the one you love." Plus she said other people suck because they love to judge you without actually thinking about you as a person instead of you as an age.

Here's to being 23 married and having a baby! I wouldn't trade it for anything!

[fluentinsilence]

Short answer: YES.

[rini]

This is not a tough question...

the answer is

it depends on the individuals involved and their maturity level.