Part 2: The Rite Of Passage For Today's Twenty-Something Woman

In my column last week, I discussed the rite of passage that a woman goes through in her twenties which brought forward great comments and questions so I'm continuing the conversation. Next week I'll summarize the two columns by featuring specific tips for twenty-something transformation. But if you want concrete action steps for how to figure out who you are and what you want, they don't really exist because nobody can tell you how to figure out yourself better than you!

While it's true that life is an on-going process of evolution and discovery, the twenty-something decade of a woman's life presents a critical time to answer a call from within. Yet often this call is drown out by immense internal and external pressure to answer questions regarding career, relationships, money, body, family, and everything else on the "having it all" checklist.

Today's young woman is rarely in the present moment because she spends so much time thinking about the future. The here and now can be uncomfortable when feelings of confusion, sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, frustration and so on surface. The present moment is where all her answers lie; however, voices from her past and the call of expectations of the future drown out her inner voice.

Last week, I asked the question: Do you want to crawl through life or do you want to spread your wings and FLY? From my perspective, crawling through life is living according to the expectations of others or societal standards that we internalize. Doing overpowers being. When we are crawling through life, we are lead by the mind/ego and buy into a false illusion of control. Although it may feel safe to live belly to the ground, fear of failure or the unknown actually become roadblocks to an uplifting and fulfilling life.

Flying involves taking leaps of faith and jumping into the unknown. It is coming from place of inspiration rather than expectation. Inspiration is an inside job though and today's young women are too busy searching for someone or something else to light them up. We've got inspiration backwards as we've been conditioned to decide what we want to be and who we want to be with before we figure out ourselves.

To truly fly, a woman must risk giving up all her preconceived notions about who she "should" be and what life is "supposed" to be like. She has to be willing to give up the job, relationship or any other circumstance or expectation that is distracting her from living an authentic life. What is so tricky is that often things can look really fantastic from the outside which makes them challenging to transition out of.

But just as a caterpillar knows it is time to stop being a caterpillar, that there is something even more beautiful it is destined to become; every woman intuitively knows when something is not in alignment with who she truly is. Like the caterpillar, she must journey through the Chrysalis process that involves entering a self-made cocoon. During the time spent in this cocoon she may encounter struggle, doubt, isolation, and darkness; however, she emerges a beautiful, vibrantly colored butterfly that can now fly.

Every woman wants to fly, but she is often too scared to step into the cocoon of self-discovery which involves an unraveling of all her expectations, limiting beliefs, and insecurities. Often a woman will step into the cocoon and as soon as it gets too hard or too dark, she will look for something or someone to pull her out. And when she does, she interrupts her own transformation process and emerges before she is fully formed. Consequently, she makes decisions and enters into situations that she may someday outgrow.

Women come to me with questions about what and how to add to their life, but true transformation is about letting go. If a woman is willing to consciously make the choice to let go of her old stories of doubt, unworthiness and insecurity, she has the opportunity to move into a level of self-acceptance that is so profound she no longer seeks anything or anyone to complete her. This is true empowerment. As we lighten up, we discover that taking flight is much sweeter than squirming around on the ground.

If you are feeling some kind of internal angst, don't worry! It may be the call of transformation. Answer it. Be willing to let go of everything you think you need to be and do. Take leaps of faith -- now is the time to learn how to fly.

Take inventory of your life and determine what isn't serving or supporting you. If nothing feels terribly wrong, yet nothing feels terribly right either, don't settle! Why play it safe and settle for something you know is not really YOU? Give up the career path that looks good on paper but has your stomach tied in knots. Give up the relationship that you are in for its potential that keeps you up at night. Give up the dreams mom and dad had for you and create your own. Give up the need to be more, better or different. Give up wanting to be like or liked by someone else.

Be willing to step into the cocoon and do the work. Sometimes all you have to do is be willing to change and the change begins -- it's resistance that keeps us where we are. Yes you may make what you think are mistakes and yes you may be uncomfortable but wouldn't that all be worth it if you could fly?

Comments

[Indra]

Yes, it would!

[akcrin]

If more people could take the article to heart, it would be great. I would be more critical, but my life became a journey through the looking glass at 21. BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Seeing plans fall through and accomplishments mean nothing taught me to enjoy the ride, come what may. I'm thirty-four wouldn't do it again, but talk about stories.
Just do it. "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose."
For all of you "psychobabble" haters, maybe you just aren't who she's talking to.

[DG55]

I've just read this article (and many of the comments) for the third time, and I feel like the little kid in "The Emoeror's New Clothes." The Emperor isn't wearing any clothes! This article doesn't say antyhing!

[ultrabop]

Most people "taking inventory" in their twenties are going to come up with exactly nothing. 20's is the time for kids to jump out there and do stuff, not take inventory. Take inventory at 40. You may come up with something then.

[freelyb]

This is pretty good, the idea that truth is found within in our own reactions to the present moment. However, it very much downplays the fact there IS much to be afraid of in today's big world. It's not a myth. And all our models for holding the balance between an inflated version of the soaring self and the humility required to accept our humanness have pretty much crumbled. It's not as easy as the author portrays to even figure out what intrinsic being is all about, never mind having the ongoing strength and clarity to live that way. To portray this path as simple tends to set up yet another frame of reference for failure when a young woman is unable to "break through" centuries of social, familial, or even genetic barriers. Sometimes success is just plain luck. Count your blessings, Ms. Hassler.

[mhowell03]

You know, I'm not sure how to find a balance between being self involved and trying to "find myself." What's really disturbing is that I just turned 28 and I already feel like I'm behind the curve in figuring myself out, because as Hassler mentions above, every time I focused solely on myself I turned away and searched for someone or something to fill me up. But maybe that is who I am. A close friend recently told me that the positive side of always adapting to your surroundings and the people around you is that you know that you are a people pleaser. That was a great realization because I always looked at it from the glass half empty lens and felt as though I never developed a strong sense of self. My advice to everyone would be just to live... because every present soon becomes the past whether we are dwelling in the past or not. Don't over think it!

[PopeRatzo]

The Number One Action Step for any twenty-something looking for personal development should be: "Stop thinking about yourself so much."

[BustMyChops]

"Today's young woman is rarely in the present moment because she spends so much time thinking about the future."
Wow. Really? Today's young woman huh? More like EVERYBODY who was ever lived on planet earth!

[BustMyChops]

Meant to write "Everybody who has ever lived on planet earth."

[glebjolie]

Thank you. I was just thinking that this applies to men also, and not just women. It's a human being's question.

[barriosbabe]

Parents lecturing their kids to be whatever is their true passion is so annoying. I know it made me nuts in my family.

[WalkingOnEggshells]

This kind of confused over-thinking of everything is precisely what keeps women from just being themselves. Unfortunately their brains are constructed differently from men's in a way that causes them to tend to do this, poor things. I feel sorry for them sometimes but they do it to themselves because most were never taught to think properly and instead just run on automatic default insecure female mode which is of course always disastrous.

I taught my twin daughters: deliberately choose what you want to do in life, be who you want to be, don't let anyone else steer you into doing or being something you don't want to be, especially me. They got the message and at 21 they are both awesomely confident young women that are in charge of their lives and capable of making major life decisions without having to seek everyone's approval first. I am so happy and proud of how they've both turned out I could almost burst sometimes.

Dads, be involved in your daughter's lives and teach them to overcome their natural tendencies to overthink everything and seek approval from their friends before doing anything. Make sure they grow up knowing they can do and be anything they choose and do not need anyone's approval. Otherwise their whole lives will be a struggle against their own insecurities and vaguely defined fears that someone out there doesn't want them to do and be what they choose.

[whateverlolawants]

Overall a nice comment, but the beginning turned me off with its pitying, condescending, male-brain­-is-better tone. I don't think it's our brains or nature, I think it's society that drives women to be insecure.

[freelyb]

Thank you.

[MerhabaAbi]

Perhaps I'm seeing shadows but it looks to me like Eggshells is proud that with his exceptional teaching even women can be good people.

[HowietheScreamer]

Very nice comment. As the Father of a young girl, I try to instil a sense of confidence in herself. Very tough to do with Asian kids anyway. Being the father of a daughter is very different from fathering a son. My son just naturally seems to have the confidence, but I want my daughter to have that too. My goal is for her to never think she "needs a man" for anything, but can stand on her own. I want her to have the strenght to be her own person first, and be in a relationship when SHE wants to.

[KatarinaNolte]

What you are describing should be a process occuring in a girl's/woman's childhood and teen years. If you reach adulthood believing that you need to fit into other people's ideas about who you are/supposed to be, then you weren't raised 'to fly' (=be free, self-owned) by your mother and other women who raised you (teachers, etc.). The problem therefore lies with the mature, not the young women. Perhaps you might want to right a column directed at them. Additionally, a young female child should never unlearn self-determination.
Young women must be reminded of their power and the responsability that comes with it. 'Flying' doesn't cut it, or we'd be on top of the world already. Try asking them what they want to see change in the world today and how they are going to acomplish it. They'll take it from there.

[wmholt]

People pay for this trite advice? I got more useful "life coaching" from the movie "Bolt".

[Alicia Edwards]

I am 33 and I learned early on my 20's to fly and see how far and fast I could go. I have fabulous memories that are novel worthy. Ladies, live for yourself because you alone have to live with any regrets.

Bravo Christine, for reminding us all what is important.

[Read Books]

I am 33 also. I had protective, micro-managing parents, and was slow learning to "fly".

For me, the highlight of this article was, "..crawling through life is living according to the expectations of others or societal standards that we internalize." Indeed, you have to live life on your own terms, not according to parental, societal, or friends' expectations.

My two cents as a guy!

[Backatchababy]

This article is like a breath of air. I'm 27 years old and the future is little terrifying. I don't want to be carried along by the prevailing wind and wake up at 90 (if I'm so lucky) and feel like I wasted my precious time. I don't think it's selfish at all to do what you feel is right with your own life. That's like saying that choosing red shoes over green shoes is selfish, it's just not relevant. What I do think is selfish is for other people, friends, boyfriends, parents etc., to dictate what you should do with your life because it makes them feel more comfortable. Personally I would like to avoid the "mid-life crisis" of realizing that the change I could be making now got put off way too long. Oh, but man is it hard to actually implement this kind of advice when you truly care about the people that are pulling you in the directions you don't feel it's right to go in!

That being said, the butterfly metaphor in the article is horrifically trite.

[whateverlolawants]

I agree, it is so hard to do your own thing when those you care about are pulling you elsewhere. It's really aggravating, actually. I understand that my parents and friends don't want me to move far away for a few years- I'm not thrilled to leave them either- but more support for me following my dreams wouldn't just be nice, it would be a recognition of who I really am. I'm tuning it out, though.

[freelyb]

Butterflies live terribly short lives...

[PotsieWeber]

I have no idea who this author is -- a "life coach?" what happened to butcher, baker or investment banker? who the hell wants to be a life coach when they grow up? -- but the article is the kind of psychobabble I would expect.

I'm not far from 20 myself, but I have angst just from trying to read this gibberish. I've seen better advice in fortune cookies.

(And now I will climb back in my cocoon, try to be in the present moment and...aw, hell, let's just start drinking early...)

[ZoeyMO]

"what happened to butcher, baker or investment banker? who the hell wants to be a life coach when they grow up?"

Perhaps someone who hasn't the slightest interest in being a butcher, baker or investment banker. I'd imagine there are plenty.

[MadHeart]

As a 68 yr old great-grandmother, I've gone through many changes all my life. You can't predict the future, no matter how you try to shape it yourself. Women mistakenly thought they could "have it all" even when they saw many men who couldn't; after all, either, because a great deal of the advancement of women is tied to class differences. If you could "have it all" you wouldn't be reading about all the folks today who are crying, "I never thought this would happen to me!" You wouldn't be reading that 40% of all babies are born to single mothers (the majority in their 20s) when the real question should be: what happened to the fathers? There is always something new under the sun, some sort of twist, the good and the bad. The only advice I'd have is to get your priorites in order yourself and forget about "cultural mores," esp. popular ones which transfer so easily to your particular age group For instance, 60 is NOT the "new 40" no matter how you slice it. Pushing age back is not a solution, it's an actual impediment--you simply wind up in a stage of narcissistic arrested development. Judge yourself, don't let others. It's rather mystifying to me, though, as an older person, why people take advice from their peers or even people younger than they are, rather than someone who at least has had some experience in living beyond that age and understands how change works.

[MadHeart]

The disrespect for older Americans is growing, much to our detriment, and a lot of older Americans are responsible for that trend because they themselves worship youth, victims of the corporate push for profits. Foolish men my age would rather risk a heart attack taking Viagra, for instance, than face the music of age.

In dividing up the pie, there aren't a lot of places for the rich and famous whose lives are going to be totally different from yours--their reality is not yours. It's hard to avoid all the hype, but in the end you'll be thanking yourself, and cursing the influences that led you down the "primrose path.". Face reality, not hopeless imitation, when something is thrown at you. Women, especially, can learn a lot from mothers, aunts, many older women if they would just pay attention; many of us have "been there, done that" and already paid the price. Good advice isn't given with condemnation; it's given with love and hope.

[liyah623]

I agree I am aged 25 and one of the things that has kept me stable, and focused was surrounding myself with older people. I love and respect people of the older generation. They always pass on words of wisdom and guidance. My mom passed away when I was 16 so I dont have that motherly support however my respect for older people has allowed for other people to be my mothers voice and help me through difficult time and keep me focused on those things that are important to me and my future. Many of my peers dont talk to older people. Most dont even know their parents life stories . Even when it comes to relationships I always look to older men and women to give me advise. Spiritually, physicaly and mentally I am in a good place. I was born and raised in africa and moved here alone without my family to go to university. I have been adopted by Indian, white, Chinese and Black Grandparents and Parents most of whom I may have briefly spoken to but listened to their wise words. Like many my age I still go out and have a good time, I have managed to try my hand at many things I love whilst still focused on the things I need and have to do, my heart has been broken. Listening to older people kept me on the right path, refueled my passion and reinforced my self confidence.

[freelyb]

Well put.