Phasing Out A Friendship

Dear Christine,
I read your posts about spring cleaning relationships and your advice hit a nerve with me. I have a friendship I want to end - I have known her since high school, but I don't feel that close to her. We used to have fun together, but our lives have grown in different directions and our values do not align. She is the last person I would think to confide in and I have a tendency to feel guilty about ending this friendship even though I feel drained whenever I am around her. I have begun to distance myself but still feel that it's wrong of me not to be her friend forever. How do I end the friendship without being mean or hurting her feelings?
Frazzled Friend, 29, Seattle

Dear Frazzled Friend,

Sometimes relationships do have expiration dates. This does not discount the value the relationship has provided or make either person right or wrong, better or worse. We all grow inwardly at different rates and in different ways and our outward lives shift in response to our growth, priorities and decisions. It is somewhat natural for people to grow apart sometimes. This is especially common with childhood friendships where relationships are often cultivated based on age and proximity (shared classrooms, neighborhoods, etc) rather than common interests.

As we mature into adulthood, we tend to choose our friends based on value systems and life preferences, creating friendships that are often a better fit. That said, it is sad when we grow apart from a friend who saw us through the awkward acne and braces phase of our life. I had an amazing best friend growing up who was like a sister to me and we are no longer in touch now as our lives just took us in different directions. I often envy people who are still close to the friends they knew as children or adolescents as it is a very special bond.

But staying in a friendship for just for the sake of longevity is not worth it if inside yourself you are experiencing judgment and/or indifference. What is the point? Showing up in a relationship when you are really not accepting the person or enjoying the relationship is not a friendship - that is obligation. Gracefully stepping away from a relationship that has become more about duty is a way to open the door for yourself and your friend to attract more life enhancing friendships in your lives.

I understand your concern regarding hurting your friend's feelings. She has been a significant person in your life and you don't just want to dump her. The most courageous and honest way to approach this is to have a conversation (not confrontation) with her. Acknowledge that she may have been sensing some distancing and take ownership of that. Then in the most loving way, thank her for the kind of friend she has been and all the amazing gifts you have received as a result of the friendship. Maybe take a little walk down memory lane and reminisce about some shared experiences that brought both of you a lot of joy. You cannot control the way she will feel. Yes, her feelings may get hurt but in the long run it is more hurtful to be a fair-weathered friend in the future than an honest friend right now.

-Christine
Post your comments below and send your questions to christineAThuffingtonpost.com

 

 

 

Follow Christine Hassler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Christinhassler

Comments

[Jennifer Russell]

09:32 AM on 05/07/2009

Very well said. I think in "butofcourse's" situation, it is best to be honest, and say something to the effect of, "I love and appreciate you, but it is too painful to keep you in my life," and explain why. Own your own feelings, though, and don't play the blame game. Your family may take it hard, but there is no reason keep toxic friends in your life.

[LadyKC]

12:02 AM on 05/07/2009

I think the best thing to do is to have the painful but necessary conversation. I had a friend from childhood that I felt close to, and I asked her to be in my wedding. She agreed but seemed somewhat resentful the entire time...six months after the wedding, I got an e-mail from her saying that she didn't really feel that close to me and hadn't wanted to be in the wedding anyway. I would have preferred she had an honest conversation with me from the beginning. It would have hurt, but far less hurt than having memories of a wedding with someone who really didn't want to be there!

[westbrooks01]

09:27 PM on 05/06/2009

Stop returning phone calls. Unless the friend is really obtuse, she will understand that you are not being a friend to her by not returning her calls. She will get the point. She will move on.

[Jennifer Russell]

09:29 AM on 05/07/2009

To not return phone calls is a terrible and cowardly way to end a friendship. Plus, it offers no closure, only questions as to why.

[yorkriver1]

03:01 PM on 05/06/2009

The other person may feel hurt, but unless they are on a downward spiral, will pick themself up and find new friends and activities. If they don't, the problem is worse than losing a long time friend. Each of us must sail our own ship, and find support in healthy ways, not dependence and attachment at any cost.

[butofcourse]

01:09 AM on 05/06/2009

I find myself in this situation, only it's a bit more awkward. This is the daughter of a woman who is a like a second mother to me- I was named for her. Our families are very close, and see each other at least two or three times a year. When families are intertwined like this and everyone always asks, "Have you talked to XXX lately?" How do I respond that it is because she has hurt me repeatedly in the past and we are vastly different people now than we were when we were young? How do I phase out this friendship (something I've been wanting to do for a while now)?

[cktirumalai]

10:46 AM on 05/05/2009

It is not common for two people to want to move out of a friendship at the same time and the same pace. Some measure of awkwardness and pain must therefore be accepted as inevitable. Writing a graceful epitaph for a friendship that was once very alive and has since died is never easy.