The Rite Of Passage For Today's Twenty-Something Woman

My intention in this post is to begin a discussion around the issues, challenges, and changes that women face as they journey through their twenties and into their thirties. This is a crucial time in our lives as we are faced with forever-feeling decisions and the expectation to map out the entire course of our life.

For the past six years I have worked as a life coach and spiritual counselor to primarily women in their twenties and early thirties. What motivated this work was facing my own unexpected struggles and challenges along my twentysomething journey -- a broken engagement, leaving a successful career, debt, confusion about my life purpose, depression, and health issues. As I navigated my way through and to the other side of my "learning opportunities" I was inspired to help others do the same and unexpectedly found my career and mission along the way.

Now at 32 and rounding the corner of what has been a period of intense personal discovery and transformation, I know that what I experienced and what I see other young women experiencing is far deeper than a quarter-life crisis and more profound than an astrological phenomenon (often referred to as Saturn Return). I compare this process of transformation to the natural journey a caterpillar takes before becoming a butterfly called Chrysalis. I'm so passionate about this stage in a woman's life and the significant changes it brings forth, that I've designed an entire transformational workshop around it and have watched women step out of the box of who they think they are and leap into the infinite possibility of who they truly are.

So what is the Chrysalis process for a woman? It begins the moment she becomes aware of a call to transform and reassess everything in her life. For some women their wake up call is a muted whisper, for others it is a loud shout. It can come in the form of an inner knowing that she has forgotten who she really is (or never really knew to begin with). Or can be heard after something happens in her life such as a broken relationship, a loss of a job or dream, or an unexpected struggle that wakes her up to the fact that the life she had planned is not the life she is living.

Each time she hits the snooze button, the inner alarm gets louder and louder. A woman begins to feel a sense of anxiety, sadness, doubt or confusion. She may start to feel alone, separate, and insecure. Some women know exactly where to point the finger as the source of their angst. Others feel the unsettling sense that nothing is terribly wrong in their life, but nothing feels incredibly right either. The natural tendency is to look for some kind of "quick fix" most commonly in the form of another role to step into like a job or relationship.

For centuries, as a woman has matured, she has been encouraged to step into a defined role: wife, mother, homemaker, caregiver and, thanks to the Feminist movement, uber successful career woman and master of "having it all." But today's young women are beginning to feel the emptiness of living a checklist life. They are achieving the career success and registering at Crate and Barrel for their big day, while running to their gynecologists for prescriptions of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills (I was one of them).

And those who don't have all the boxes on their life checklist checked off, put tremendous pressure on themselves to do so and live in a constant state of "when/then" future focused thinking. When I find the soulmate of my dreams, then I'll be happy. When I find my passion and my career takes off, then I'll be fulfilled. When I have money, then I will feel secure. When I loose ten pounds, then I'll be confident. This hamster wheel type of thinking keeps us in a constant state of believing there is something wrong with where we are now and keeps us focused on the destination, rather than the journey.

The funny thing is, once we reach one destination, along comes another one, and another one, and another one, and we're in a constant state of external searching for things that can only truly be found inside. Looking outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment is an old paradigm. Today's young women are feeling the call and drumming up the courage to look within during this tender and formative time of life. This rite of passage is about inner transformation and it is not always an easy perception and perspective to change.

Today's young women are shaping the future. We are the mothers, bosses, wives, partners, and leaders of tomorrow. It's time to step off the hamster wheel and into the cocoon of transformation. Now is our time to build our inner foundation so that we can step more fully into leadership, inspiration, compassion, strength, and be the change we want to see in the world.

So are you feeling the call for transformation now? Or have you already felt it and just don't quite know how to respond? I welcome your comments, sharing of experience, and questions below. Next week I will be continuing this conversation by presenting the question: Do you want to crawl through life, or do you want to spread your wings and FLY? My sense is most of you want to fly...and the opportunity to take that leap is closer than you think.

Comments

[baglady83]

Love the post, at 26 this is exactly what I'm feeling.

[iheartsmartpeople]

Examples would have helped this piece tremendously. Vague, idealistic thoughts and philosophical coaching is all fine and good but if you truly want to 'coach' someone, it needs to get way more specific than that.

I think overall though, what you are saying naturally occurs for many people (not just women) later in life - 40s/50s...

[causticgit]

I second the need for something concrete. The language is very open and vague, and I skimmed down to try to find the substance. Talk about art imitating life! Very frustrating to think "Ah, maybe she gets it..." but no solutions are offered here.

As a 20-something, it's definitely a sensation my peers and I are having. Particularly with the recession hitting--we thought we'd go to college and get jobs and go from there. Well, we just graduated, and we're not finding jobs. What's a girl to do?

[William Fahle]

Apparently a sense of irony comes later in life too. I think the article put it well when it said to stop looking outside yourself, such as to an article online, and start looking within for your answers.

[CarrieK]

Thank you for this post! I'm 26 and you completely sum up how I feel about my life and career. I know I need to work on becoming the person I want to be and I know I'm not there now.

[jimmyjones22]

Really, I think your problem is that you over-analyze life in search of some meaning or purpose for your life, when reality there is no meaning or purpose to be had besides what you decide to give it.

In other words, life is the ride, not the destination that counts.

[RHR]

Chrysalis process? Thanks for the marketing piece.

You reminded me exactly why I avoid Life Coaches entirely.

[Susan Weissman - Huffpost Blogger]

First, I think that men feel these same expectations and pressures.

Second, I think that it takes a certain financial privilege to be able to consider your "happiness" as opposed to your discomfort or fear or hunger. I think that the majority of American women who feel the malaise you refer to (yes, I have felt it and sometimes still do) need only to remind themselves of their choices (there are always choices for those above poverty level but some come with compromise.)

We many never figure out the MEANING of our lives but we can CHOOSE to make less important than doing the tasks that we think are meaningful and making the ones we MUST do meaningful as well.

[mproust]

Life is hard work , regardless of your age or gender. Put one foot in front of the other , get on with it, and don't get lost in meaningless self-absorption.

[KaLaPa111]

Disagree completely. I can't tell you how many older men and women tell me to take this time to think about what I really want to do with the rest of my life. So many of them, particularly Boomers, never had the time to consider their passions and are now stuck doing work that means absolutely nothing to them. Sorry, but I'd rather not wake up at 50 and realize that I haven't achieved my full potential. But thanks for the advice, I'll definitely keep it at the back of my mind.

(way, way, waaaaay at the back.)

[BustMyChops]

The problem with "many" Boomers is they think they deserve to be young forever and can't understand how god could let them get old. Everyone has hated growing old since the beginning of time. But in typical boomer fashion, it's all about "ME."

[MarkCamp]

"Sorry, but I'd rather not wake up at 50 and realize that I haven't achieved my full potential"

... whoops, too late.

[LordMoon]

While I think it's normal in our society, to have hope for the future, and I also think that it's understandable to live there, to dream there, because so much of your life is in preparation, for what you will do when you arrive.

Sometimes however living in the future, does not work. Sometimes you realize, that those dreams that were so big, were not as fullfiling as smaller ones, more concrete and personal ones, in which you slow down, and give yourself time to develop emotionally and learn to trust your feelings.

There is something to be said, for the safety of being a moving target, but for too long our society seems to be enamored of, touching without being touched. Of feeling, without having felt.

[flow555]

Thanks for posting Christine. I am a 44 year old female, and have had my share of ups and downs. I am glad you are raising these issues for women in their 20's and 30's. Yes, women today have so many more choices and opportunities than women of previous generations. And yes, they are grateful for them. However, modern women are navigating an unchartered course and its pitfalls are many. As a service to younger women, I encourage my peers to be honest with themselves and others about the benefits and costs of the choices they have made. Its sad to see so many women struggling to keep it all together, or at least appear so, when in fact many are struggling in isolation or even desperation. Keeping your balance is the key -- learning how to do it is the hard part.

[j brown]

Throughout college, i was expected by everyone I knew to become a medical doctor; I was pre-med. I found myself very stressed-out and at times I questioned if this was what I wanted to do.
After graduation, I took the MCAT, but even then I did not want to do it, however I decided to finish what I started; I went through the process and applied to schools. My heart wasn't there, but I cared so much about other peoples' perception of me.
The stress of making decisions about my career and path in life, mixed with an emotionally destructive relationship with my ex-boyfriend, led me to just not love myself how I used to, or value anything I had accomplished. I felt so unachieved...even though I had graduated from an ivy-league institution and had a job in my field.
I ended both.
Few months later, I decided to follow the inner voice that I always tried to suppress; I applied for a PhD program, in a field that I am very excited about. I loved studying and preparing my application and essays; I was happy throughout the process, and I got into the schools that were my top choices and top programs in the US.
Yet, I felt, and still feel a little like people will judge and say that I guess I was not smart enough because I chose to do a PhD rather than an MD....

[Truelee]

I think sometimes people need permission to disassemble themselves and reassemble themselves to their own liking. When we were young, we were put together by people who had good intentions because sometimes we can't make decisions for ourselves. As adults, we all should relearn ourselves and use the tools and assets provided earlier in life to set our own course.

You did well for yourself.

[KaLaPa111]

Good advice :-) Thanks.

[j brown]

I also want to add, that I chose to do a PhD because that's where my passion truly lies for now, based on everything I know about myself... and I feel it fits better with my life now
...I think I know the answer within me, that what everyone else thinks is irrelevant because my life and my happiness are my concern and not others' business. Maybe it is part of growing up and understanding that path-shifting is normal. I am slowly accepting the latter.

[ummak]

My jaw dropped while reading your comment becasue I am in the EXACT same situation from being pre-med because of people's perceptions of me to finding out what I really want to do. I'm in my early twenties and recently suspended my application to medical school because I realized that it was the symbolism attached to becoming a doctor and the pressure I felt from everyone around me that was suffocating me. I, too, realized that I want to do a PhD program in my field and worry immensely about people thinking that I just wasn't smart enough to do an MD.

Going to therapy was the best thing I have ever done for myself and am slowly coming to accept that I can't live my life for my parents, for friends, or anyone for that matter. I need to do what will make me happy regardless of people's judgments because people will always judge you.

I want to tell that I am proud of you and happy for your change and discovery of yourself. Stay strong and true to yourself.

[MarkCamp]

My family wanted me to go through the MD route and even agreed to pay for it all. It wasn't me. I then went the PhD route and achieved that goal after 15 years and had a blast doing it. Then I decided I did not want to be stuck behind a desk writing research proposals and instead wanted to plant trees for a living. Life changes. You change.

[j brown]

thank you MarkCamp! I love your comment.

I felt truly relieved writing my thoughts here and not to my family and loved ones (who see me as accomplished either way, and tell me it's stupid to feel the way I felt).

thank you ummak, too.

[Krishnamurthi Ramachandran]

Very good article on The Rite of Passage for Today!s Twenty-Something Woman.
Now a days, these teens are clever to move,friendly with peer groups. using ,dating equations,expanding their knowledge bases,increasing their rights and freedom for their day today living.
I think that good advises,good care attitude will make teens for building a new society.

[joebiz]

What's a spiritual counselor?

[KIMBER]

Probably someone who didn't finish their psych degree.

[oakley9]

What a small minded and ridiculous statement.

[Truelee]

I heard this on NPR on Monday: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104791125&ps=cprs

The topic is "What Makes Us Happy". There are a lot of good insights (or common sense) to remind us that we're really in this together.

[kstuff]

Psychotherapy is the single greatest tool for evaluating your life. It literally helps piece together the missing parts of the puzzle. It is often covered by insurance. Without insurance, a good therapist can be found for around $50 to $60 a session. A great investment and with a better pay off than money spent on empty pursuits like shopping, drinking, etc.

[KIMBER]

I second that - it's the best money you can spend (and I don't mean someone who just prescribes meds, I mean a psychotherapist). No, you don't have to be "crazy" to go, you just have to want to be saner than you're feeling. Most therapists work on a sliding scale for income - ask them.

[crystalx]

Thank you. What an amazing time we live in.

This is so liberating for all of humanity. We are able to look at the institutions we have created and really analyze if they are serving us or not.

My "husband" and I just got divorced, not because we hated each other, but because we love each other.

Now it is our responsibility to pass this experience on to our children.