You And Your Twenty-Something Child: How Close Is Too Close?

Dear Christine,
I am the parent of a twenty-something who is having a hard time letting go. My 25-year-old daughter and I have always been very close and now she lives in a different state and is living her own life. I know this is normal and I am happy for her, but I still talk to her everyday and if I don't, I feel very disconnected. And she needs me too; she still calls me whenever she is faced with a decision or a problem. My husband tells me we are too connected, but I am having trouble letting go. How close is too close?

-Concerned Mother, Flagstaff, 52

Dear Concerned Mother,

Your husband is right - you and your adult daughter need some distance. It's obvious how much you love each other and it's a wonderful blessing that you are so close; however, for her sake and yours it's best to take a step back and see the role your intertwined relationship is playing in both of your lives.

In order to fully mature and develop a sense of self, one needs to make decisions on his or her own. Having mom on speed dial at the ready to answer any question from what to wear to how to deal with a challenge at work prolongs the adultolescence period of one's life. Your daughter needs to learn how to become more self-reliant and she cannot do that if you are still helping her problem solve. Yes, she of course will want you in her life, but to what extent? This is a time in her life where not only is she navigating the waters of the real world, but she is also getting to know herself, and shaping the adult she wants to be.

I frequently see this over-dependence on parents among twenty-somethings. It's not surprising since most of Gen Y grew up being "friends" with their parents. Personally, I do not think it's healthy for mothers and daughters to be best friends. Some boundaries should be in place. If you know everything about your daughter's life and she knows everything about yours, then yes, you are too close. I encourage you to cultivate friendships with your peers and in turn encourage your daughter to establish her own support system - that includes you but does not revolve around you.

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And she's not the only one whose growth and maturity may be stunted by this enmeshment. What about your life? Are you the one who needs her? Your daughter can no more be all of your life than you can be hers. Are you making your daughter your priority at your husband's expense? Are you overly focused on her life because you feel you don't have one of your own? Understandably, it's difficult for any mom to transition into having an empty nest. But rather than focusing on the emptiness of it, look for ways to fill your own life. Is there a change in your career you want to make? What dreams do you have? Find ways to make your own life fulfilling. Starting with something as simple as volunteering or joining some kind of socializing group is a good start. I also recommend taking up a new hobby that you and your husband can do together to rekindle the old flame.

Changing the dynamic of a relationship is not easy so begin by giving some thought to what role you play in perpetuating this pattern of over-connectedness. Are you always the one to call her first? Do you in your word choice or tone show your disappointment to your daughter when she doesn't call? Observe your own behavior and begin to look at ways that you can wean yourself off the need to call her. That said, when your daughter calls you in need, reassure her that you hear her and you are confident that she is totally capable of coming to her own conclusions. Just listen and ask her questions to support her in discovering her own answer rather than coming to her rescue. And as the frequency of the calls decrease, don't take it personally. View the new infrequency as healthy, and as a reflection of being a good mom who has raised a high functioning, independent woman. Focus on the quality of the connection, not the quantity.

For some expert advice, listen to the words of Dr. Susan E. Allen, licensed psychologist and life coach. She states, "one of the primary challenges of parenting through the twentysomething years is redefining the parent-child relationship. This includes taking a new look at how we communicate with each other. What works well in your particular relationship? There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to what is best. It can be helpful to ask your child what his/her thoughts are about how you communicate with each other. And make sure to listen to the response! Many mothers and daughters continue to be very close friends over the life span. A good barometer of whether it is "too close" is to ask, 'Is this getting in the way of other parts of my (or her) life?' (eg. marital relationship, job performance). Have fun looking at new possibilities for frequency and style of connecting with each other."

Instead of looking at this situation as if you've lost something, (e.g. - your little girl, your mother/daughter bond, etc.) think instead of what you are gaining. You have the opportunity now to get to know the adult your daughter has become, and to create a strong, lasting relationship with this woman you raised. She will always be a part of you, but sometimes really loving someone is learning how to let them go, grow, and having faith that her love for you will maintain the bond you have. Enrich your own life while respecting hers.

~Christine
To send me a question, email [e-mail]

Comments

[LRM216]

There is never a "too close" to your child, no matter what their age.

[HopscotchGirl]

Oddly enough, I just had this discussion with four other women just a few moments ago. They all concured that they are not their daughters friends. Close is great. But I think most women feel there should be some separation between "mom" and "friend."

Let's face it, what we expect from one another differs in a "maternal" relationship and a "friend" relationship. Not only are our expections different, so are our attitudes, social interaction, mores and standards. As well it should be.

But desertdweller is correct, there was lot of 80s parenting that included the whole "bff" thing. But I think those parents are just delusional, they are not really their kids friends. But those kids just use that as a tool to get what they want and make their parents think that they are friends. Why not if the parents are stupid enough to believe it.

[hooah]

I'm in agreement with the blogger, especially after reading in the letter that the 25 yr old "still calls me whenever she is faced with a decision or a problem". Any 25 year old needs to be handling their own decisions/problems instead of calling Mom.

[gymbunnybee]

I also very emphatically disagree with your advice to this mother.

I am 26 and speak to my mother every day (sometimes twice a day). We live on two different continents and have 12 hours between us, so it is all I can do to stay connected and not miss her too much (and not have her miss me). Most days we talk about nothing "so what else is new ma?" etc but it's the closest I'll get to having a proximate relationship with her for the next year or so (or until she moves to be geographically closer to me).

I think you misunderstood the mother in your post. Why is it not ok for her to remain connected to her daughter when she is so far away from her. I think the healthiest, most rewarding relationship a woman can be lucky to have is the one with her mother.

[LRM216]

You are my daughter too.

[rock2casbah]

Is it the paronoia drummed into her head over the years, but the convention intro of her mother was something Malia and Sasha could have milked for better.

What struck me about Chelsea is her total lack of sophistication and polish. Think about it, there has been no other child in America who has had more opportunities to be in the most rarest of atmospheres, best schools, sitting among kings and titans of industry. Yet everytime I see her or she speaks it's a couple of rehearsed lines and off she goes. She even told a child reporter for a kids channel, I can't talk to the press but you are cute.

[VeraLynn]

Chelsea has used her opportunities the way she wanted to. She is not obligated to be a politician or even to be in the public eye (although there is no way out of it for her). She is an individual who can make her own choices of what her life will be.

[laurenmodery]

I disagree!

Growing up, it was just me & my Mom. She not only is my rock, but my friend. Though we are close, that didn't stop me at 20 from moving 3000 miles away 5 years ago. She raised me to be independent & I knew I needed to go out into the world. However, I still call her everyday. She still is the first person that I want to share my news with. Like most mothers, she gives me advice whether it's asked for or not. Age & distance has given me the objectivity to take what I can from her (Christine, give us twenty-somethings some credit! We don't always do what our parents tell us!) I've led my own life & have made wonderful decisions & horrible mistakes that are my own.

Regardless, how fair is it that our mothers' devote their lives to us, then we slowly start to emotionally distance ourselves from them?

Will this end up hurting me in the long run, like Midwest housewife said? You bet ya! However, life is short & I feel blessed to have an awesome Mom that I can call my friend.

Concerned Mother, I relate to your situation. I think it's beautiful that you & your daughter are so close. I wouldn't be too concerned. Your daughter obviously has her own identity & is venturing out. Please don't take much heed to people saying that you & your daughter "are too close". We should all be so

[desertdweller]

Some children are no longer raised to become independent. It's part of the trend of parental self-indulgence that came into vogue in the 80s. Parents want to be their kids BFFs and therefore, do not prepare them for independence. There are a lot of twenty-somethings that live in nice appartments and drive new Acuras, courtesy of mom and dad. Don't feed the bears.

[HalfLoop65]

I have to say I disagree. I'm 43 now, but when I was in my 20's I packed up my life into my small car and moved to California. My Mom remained in Florida. We talked every few days for all of the years that I lived in a different state. How can that not be healthy? She was my friend, my support, my teacher, my cheerleader and I am all the better and stronger for it. She has her life and I have mine but our lives are even better because we really know and understand each other as people. I think that's a gift. We live down the street from each other now and still continue or own lives and we still have plenty of good times together.

[RobinSeattle]

You could very well be misreading this situation.

It is only natural to ask your parents for advice when it comes to big decisions or nettlesome problems that one is having a hard time resolving by oneself. This isn't so much of a dependence issue as it is a kind of teaching interaction.

The other thing you have to realize is that you don't know who is around the daughter. Maybe she just doesn't trust the folks she has gotten to know when it comes to their judgement on certain issues.

Now I am just the opposite of the daughter described in the message. I have lived abroad and preferr to deal with everything myself and call home only infrequently. Nonetheless, if talking to her mother every now and again makes her feel better then great. Sometimes people are too guick to judge things that are none of their business. I think the daughter is acting rationally.

[jbgnyc]

My 25 year old daughter talk every day because she's moved back in with us. We've always been extremely close, taking long walks, talking, shopping.We've had many serious life discussions. BUT she is not my best friend (I have several and so does she). She travels and does as she pleases, and that 's as it should be.. But the less I ask, the more she tells me. However, it is always on her terms. The key point : Close as we are, she is always my daughter and I'm always her Mom so some things are private.. When she was a teen and started to tell me stuff about school or other kids, we had clear boundries. 1) I never asked about her love life and she never asked about mine. 2)I Away at college, I never asked for details about anything. I really went out of my way not to pry. And she did keep some things from me for a long while (including a messy near date-rape). But when she felt ready she told me and we talked and talked. Now, there are nights she goes off with friends, and I don't see her for a day or two. She always calls to say she's staying out, but I never ask for more than she wants to tell me. The call is her sign of respect for my feelings. My not asking for specifics is my respect for her. .

[midwesthousewife]

I think you have set up your relationship very well. It is similar to how my mother set up our relationship. She never pried, she never lectured, she was a pleasure to talk to and a delight to be with and I shared with her all my thoughts and details of my life without her asking. I had no boundaries, and if I asked her personal questions about herself, she answered them honestly so there may have been the problem. With such a loving and close relationship, her loss in my twenties threw me for years afterwards, and has changed the degree of closeness I have created with anyone since, including my own children, sadly.

[midwesthousewife]

I agree with this blogger. I had a very close, devoted relationship with my mother (although in my day, the cost of long distance phone calls meant that I could call home only once a week). When I lost her to cancer when I was 27, I was devastated. Her loss felt like I was finally being weaned. In the years since I have realized ways in which I acquiesced to her because of my love of our closeness, ways in which perhaps I could have and should have found my separate self earlier than I did. I have cherished memories of a loving, mutually admiring mother/daughter relationship, and I have wondered what my life and my children's lives would have been like with her presence in them, but I am also grateful for the rude plunge into emotional independence, knowing how much I have learned to handle life alone and to be more true to my real self. All these years later, I still feel at times conflicted between loyalty to her ways versus my own tastes. My daughter is now at college far away and we talk weekly, which she finds unusual because her friends are being texted and called by their mothers several times a day, sometimes to their annoyance. I guess the questions to ask are, is there emotional space, and is the relationship a crutch? Sometimes it can be hard to know until it is no longer there.

[Theda]

I also disagree with this article. What's wrong with being friends with your 20-something child? Healthy relationships---the best kind---always have boundaries.

[AZAcct]

I kinda disagree with your advice to this mother.

I think the best time for a mother and daughter to have a friends relationship is when the daughter is in her 20s and isn't in the same state.

It appears as if there is enough separation right now with the state boundaries and with the daughter living her own life.

I think your advice to this mother to find other interests and joys...however I would kill to have a relationship like this with my mother...

I have friends who are in their 20's who all talk to their moms daily and hang out and shop together etc...they are best friends with their mom...and if they have sisters--it's like a girls club.

Being a young woman in my 20's with a terrible mother who disowned her children after we got too "difficult" (she had that problem where she didn't realize cute cuddly kittens become cats--she wanted babies just not kids)...I look at my friend's relationships with their mothers and am envious of them.

My advice to this mother: find other interests but don't feel guilty about having a close relationship with your daughter.

[ENK727]

I agree there's nothing better than having close relationships with your kids and doing things together. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.