I sat on the couch, my niece on the floor in front of me.
"Hold still, honey," I said, as she started to fidget.
I grabbed one section of hair and twisted it around another section. Over, under, over, under until her hair was twisted around itself into a spiraling, thin braid.
Years ago, when children were a mere hope in my heart, this is what I had imagined parenting would be like: Braiding hair, coloring on a big kitchen table, glittery craft projects, dance lessons, heart-to-heart conversations, make-up and fashion advice.
Now, two children later -- two rambunctious boys later -- I have learned that this is not what motherhood has in store for me.
I will not be a mother to a little girl who wears gauzy skirts and bouncy pigtails.
I will not be a mother to a teenage young woman who boasts a feisty attitude and teen angst.
I will not be a mother to a grown woman who looks to me for life advice and offers up fashion tips.
I will not be a mother to a mother who finally understands what it means to live with your heart on the outside of your body.
I will not be mother to a girl and a piece of me (a small piece some days, a large piece on other days) mourns that loss.
I am a mom. I am a mom to boys.
There will not be hair braiding or makeup tips, but there can still be the heart-to-hearts and dream sharing and ears ready to listen when they want to talk.
There will be no prom dresses or wedding dresses, but there will still be advice about first loves and relationships and heartbreak.
There will be no commiserating about childbirth or feminism, but there can be sympathizing about difficult math problems and tough bosses and financial struggles.
Because I am a mom and that's what moms do.
For me, motherhood might not include the glittery craft projects, tea parties, fashion shows, Barbies, hair bows and ballerina skirts that I had envisioned. But it will still include all the hugs, the hand-holding, the tear wiping, the You-Can-Do-It pep talks, the It-Will-Get-Better reassurances, the tuck-ins, the late night worrying, the Did-I-Do-Enough second-guessing, the soaring highs when my kids are truly happy, the devastating lows when their hearts are broken and the constant, unwavering hope that they always feel worthy, fulfilled and loved.
Because I am a mom. And that is what moms -- what parents -- do.
Whether building Lego towers or having a tea party, whether watching Star Wars or Cinderella, whether we are shopping for a prom dress or picking out a corsage, at the heart of each of those activities are connection, guidance and encouragement.
Parenting, for me, does not include many of the activities and interests that I had expected. But, honestly, not much about what I had expected parenting to be like has held true -- it is so much more of everything than I had ever imagined.
Yet at the heart of it all, there is a confidence that these boys were chosen especially for me, and I for them. And there is a wild, splintered peace in that secret knowledge. There is a reckless and surprising Grace in honoring the role.
And, besides, glittery craft projects really just make an awful mess anyway. And princess drawings from little boys are pretty darn cute.
A version of this post originally appeared on the author's website.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.