There are a lot of things I'm proud of in the upcoming June issue of Glamour, but there's one I want to tell you about now -- a report that opened my eyes, pissed me off, but then gave me hope. I believe it will do the same for you. It all comes down to two simple words: tell somebody.
Here's the backstory. One year ago today, 22-year-old University of Virginia student Yeardley Love was found dead in her apartment; her boyfriend later told police he'd shaken her so hard her head repeatedly hit the wall. At the time, Glamour reported on the tragedy in an editorial -- and then we watched as, over the course of the next months, similar stories hit our front pages and TV screens. There was the swimsuit designer Sylvie Cachay, 33, strangled and abandoned in a hotel bathroom, allegedly by her boyfriend; Samantha Miller, 34, shot in the head in Tennessee; Courtney Delano, 19, killed in Michigan while six months pregnant; and on and on and on -- a seemingly endless series of young women killed, reportedly by the men they were involved with.
The pattern seems almost unbelievable: How, in this day and age, can abusive relationships still be so common? Aren't we a generation that grew up being told that men should never lay a hand on women? But when Glamour's Liz Brody dug into the numbers with the help of criminology expert James Alan Fox, Ph.D., a scary trend emerged. Even though domestic-violence deaths overall have dropped markedly over the past decades, Brody reports, "among women who are dating -- as opposed to married -- the homicide rate is climbing." And an exclusive Glamour/Harris Interactive survey of more than 2,500 women confirms how common the brutality is: a full 29 percent of respondents said they'd been in an abusive relationship -- and an additional 30 percent said they hadn't, but then went on to acknowledge that at some point they'd been degraded, threatened with a gun or knife, or otherwise harmed by a partner. Taken together, these numbers make it pretty clear that if you're a woman in 21st-century America, odds are good that you'll either face this issue personally or have a friend, colleague or sister who needs your help right now.
So let's do something about this. To honor the anniversary of Yeardley Love's death, Glamour is kicking off a campaign called Tell Somebody -- designed to encourage women to talk about relationship violence. If you're suffering yourself, Tell Somebody; many survivors say opening up is the first step to getting out. And if you suspect a friend is being hurt, Tell Somebody about that, too. "[My friends] saw the signs from the beginning," Vanessa Saulter, 37, whose boyfriend, in a marathon of violence, punched and choked her, told Glamour. "They would tell me I would go missing and my picture would end up on a milk carton. Over time, it slowly sank in." Unsure of what you'd say to a friend who is in danger? Most people are -- but it's better to say something, anything, than nothing, and our story offers scripts for the most common situations. (One thing I learned: If a friend confides in you about her abuse, take notes and keep them; many victims have little proof of what happened to them, but your notes could help substantiate her story in court one day.)
Here's what else you can do:
1) Watch our video featuring Ashley Greene, Emma Stone and other celebs who've joined our campaign, to learn more and pass it on.
2) Read an exclusive interview with Vice President Joe Biden and his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, who have committed to keeping this issue a national priority.
3) Text TELLNOW to 85944 to make a $10 donation that will go toward keeping the nation's biggest domestic violence hotline open. (Shockingly, it's currently so underfunded that 83,027 calls went unanswered last year.) In a beautiful act of generosity, the Avon Foundation for Women has volunteered to match every dollar you donate up to $200,000.
4) Spread the word by changing your Facebook status to "Relationship violence kills four women a DAY in the U.S. If you or someone you know is being abused, Tell Somebody. Make sure someone is always listening by texting TELLNOW to 85944. Your $10 donation will help keep the National Domestic Violence Hotline open."
5) Find out more at glamour.com/tell-somebody. As part of our ongoing support of the campaign, we'll be sharing a different relationship violence survivor's story each week right here on Smitten.
Right now, four women a day are killed in the U.S. by a partner they've loved. Let's stop accepting this violence as the way the world works, and make our own world a little better, and safer, today. Who's with me?
Liz Brody: Relationship Violence: The Secret That Kills 4 Women a Day
Glamour - Tell Somebody: Help Stop Relationship Violence Today
The first time I connected all those dots, I was unspeakably angry. Now, I'm just committed to doing something about it.
There are plenty of articles about this type of violence, but this article is not one of them.
Quit trying to diminish this problem.
Either I could stay in a marraige that was turning violent (nearly five years, we were wed).
Or, I could flee from what was becoming a living Hell, leave behind almost everything I had, and live to tell the tale.
I chose the second option, checked myself into a Crisis House, and told the staff NOT to put through any phone calls from my now ex-wife (they told the other clients to help me out with this). A few days later, I mailed back me apartment key and told her that we were through, and that I was never coming back.
The abuse I took was emotional/financial in nature, but it was starting to slide towards the physical. It's been nearly five years since I made "the decision"...and I still feel the pain every day. Often, I awake to find my pillow wet from tears I shed in my sleep. I have a really good therapist who works with me about this...but the healing process is going to take much longer than I know.
But, at least I'm alive to tell the tale...so I guess I made the right choice. Better to be alive and feel the pain of a broken heart and a rended marraige, than nothing for all eternity if I had made Choice 1.
--RKJ
Because America is a free open and very heterogeneous society there will always be some undesirable elements. Simply treating a common social issue as a shocking crisis by distorting statistics and using alarmist language is a easy way to attention. Domestic violence isn't an new epidemic nor is it going away because we raised awareness. There will be victims and victimizers. We can encourage victims to leave because that is the only way they will be some what safe. Abusers we know will persist in their abuse so long as they have access to the victim. Let's keep the focus on ending these relationships with whoever the abuser might be.
I do think alot of woman are afraid they will not be believed. Or are so scared and believe they deserve it.
They dont talk about it.
Theres a song I heard on the radio. Its been out awhile. Has to do with abuse in familys.
Saddest song I ever heard. I had to pull off the road. It was on the radio.
This took place in a classroom. The song being played to a group of kids.
worth the watch. When abused young woman tend to have it happen when older. :(
BTW true story on how this teacher played the vid and helped some of the kids.
Tell someone anyone. No matter if your young or older or you know of someone who is being abused
the vid..please watch the end
Name of song "Alyssa Lies"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpE73PvU9bk
Someone once asked me why I never told. I said ashamed, would not be believed. Sadly at that time so many years ago. I felt I deserved it. Or had caused it.
Be safe. Keep being happy you deserve it.
Methods. We analyzed data on young US adults aged 18 to 28 years from the 2001 National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which contained information about partner violence and injury reported by 11370 respondents on 18761 heterosexual relationships.
Results. Almost 24% of all relationships had some violence, and half (49.7%) of those were reciprocally violent. In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases. Reciprocity was associated with more frequent violence among women (adjusted odds ratio [AOR]=2.3; 95% confidence interval [CI]=1.9, 2.8), but not men (AOR=1.26; 95% CI=0.9, 1.7). Regarding injury, men were more likely to inflict injury than were women (AOR=1.3; 95% CI=1.1, 1.5), and reciprocal intimate partner violence was associated with greater injury than was nonreciprocal intimate partner violence regardless of the gender of the perpetrator (AOR=4.4; 95% CI=3.6, 5.5).
I do not doubt that some women physically attack men, but I am curious as to the actual numbers of women who die at the hands of a spouse/partner. THAT is where the truth lies. If you are polling men who don't take responsibility for their actions, you won't get an accurate response. If a person doesn't see what they do as wrong, if they present a facade of loving normalcy to the world (colleagues, friends, relatives), they are not going to break character for a poll. I'm not saying all the data is suspect - just that it's naive to assume that it 100% accurate.
Here's a bibliography on domestic abuse in lesbian and gay couples. Often the lesbian rates are higher than Whitaker's study of young adult heterosexuals.
http://www.loribgirshick.com/lgbt-interpersonal-violence-bibliography.html
Because this isn't about just leaving this one guy...because there maybe another one ready to take his place unless you connect the dots about why you stayed way too long in the first place. Abuse rarely starts with a punch. Usually it starts with jealousy and possessiveness..which may progress to a slap or shove...and finally ends up with fists.
Most women would kick a guy like that to the curb very early on...but some women have a hard time leaving an abusive partner. More than likely they've split him into two people & tell themselves that no one else understands him.
Some women are able to permanently leave an abusive partner the first time he abuses her. But for many women it will take several separations/reunions with their abusive partner before the light bulb finally goes off and they finally leave for good. It can be very frustrating for extended family and friends to remain supportive as they watch her go back to him time and time again. But hopefully they will not withdraw their support or she will only end up more isolated.
We know as counselors that untreated child abuse victims are prone to grow up to become either abusers or victims, and they are vulnerable to following abusive authoritarian figures, like politicians who denigrate others and enact punitive and harsh social policies. With the enactment of cognitive behavioral therapy, and the whole change your mind and all will be well pseudo-spirituality, abuse survivors are not being treated, which leads to inter-generational patterns of abuse. Now these attitudes are reflected in our officials and those who fund them. Once in an abusive relationship, many find it hard to leave. They keep believing the person will come around. Let's not believe that about our national abusers and enablers.
www.healthjournalistblog.com