It's scary being a parent, especially a first-time parent. I mean, talk about the responsibility: An actual human being is relying on you for survival. And basically, you have no idea what you are doing. Sometimes, it seems amazing that our species has made it this far.
So... why not turn to technology? Why not wire your baby up and monitor their breathing and heart rate and movement? I mean, if doctors and hospitals do it, it's got to be a good idea, right?
Not so much.
I totally get it. Like every new parent, I went in to check my babies' breathing again and again. I did it more with my first couple of babies, but didn't stop even when I was a veteran parent. I've watched or felt for the rising chest, listened for that barely perceptible sound of air moving, felt a wash of relief when a hand moved or a head turned.
Not that there would have been any particular reason why any of my babies would have stopped breathing, but I felt so much better when I could see they were fine -- and sometimes felt so scared when I was in another room and couldn't be sure. I had one of those baby monitors that you plugged in and let you hear when the baby cries (or when an older sibling sneaks in and starts talking to them), but they certainly didn't let me know everything was fine.
The newest gadgets can go into onesies, are wireless and can give you all sorts of information. They can even give you a continuous video feed. You literally never need to take your eyes off your baby. You'd think that as a mom and pediatrician I'd be happy about the idea of continuous monitoring and continuous reassurance. But I'm not.
First of all, the obvious reason: Technology fails sometimes. Now, this is true for all technology and I'm not saying that we shouldn't use phones or computers or other devices because they might fail. I love tech. But when we solely rely on it, we can get into trouble. We need to be able to manage without it, which in this case, is being able to know how often to look at a baby and to know what to look for. It also means knowing how to create a really safe environment for a baby -- sometimes we cut corners if we think technology will alert us to every problem.
Not only does technology fail sometimes, it's frequently confusing. As a doctor, there have definitely been times when a machine gives me data that doesn't make sense. Sometimes a number can be off, but the child can be fine -- or a number can be fine, but the child isn't. Babies are more than their numbers and data -- all of us are. I worry that if parents become fixated on the information they get from their gadgets, they won't learn the rhythms of their babies, how to read cues, which noises mean something, which can be ignored or how to recognize the subtle signs of both illness and wellness.
I also worry that the latest gadgets will make parents even more anxious -- and make them feel like they have to be staring at their gadgets all the time, like they have to know everything that is happening with their children every single second to be good parents. That's not helpful -- and could set parents up for some really unhealthy habits as their children grow.
Part of being a parent is figuring out how to handle not knowing everything that is happening every single second. Some of that is about preparation and safety and picking good caregivers, but some of it is about learning to take leaps of faith and about coming to peace with the fact that we can't control everything in life.
As improbable as it may seem, our species has made it this far, mostly without baby monitors. Yes, technology can be helpful, but it's really important that technology not get in the way of common sense -- or learning good parenting instincts. Because in parenthood, as in life, common sense and good instincts will get you much further than any technology ever could.