Since 1988, Kids' Turn has been listening to the voices of children as they express their problems when their parents divorce. Based on their comments, here are the top five admonitions from children on which separating parents can build new behaviors during 2011.
Stop fighting in front of me. I hate it when you fight. This very simple concept verifies the reality that parental conflict is the number one cause of childhood difficulties when parents separate or divorce. If separating parents cannot be civil to one another, find alternative ways to communicate so the volatility when children are present is reduced or eliminated.
Stop criticizing my mom/dad in front of me. Each child carries genetic or acquired characteristics from both parents. When one parent criticizes the other, the child personalizes the criticism to include those characteristics shared with the target parent. Save the criticisms for your attorney or mediator, but keep the child out of it.
Don't ask me what is going on in my other parent's house. Keep the children out of the role of spying or reporting on what the former spouse is doing. If parents want to know how the former partner is managing in a different house, hire a detective.
Let me make some decisions about the changes in my life. Obviously, parents are making major decisions which make children feel their lives are completely out of control. Age-appropriate input (ex: picking out colors for a new room; creating new holiday traditions; ideas for the visitation schedule) helps children feel they have a voice in the process and that their wishes are respected and considered.
Continue to be my parent. Parents can become very self-absorbed as the marriage unravels. As a result, parenting suffers during separation. Small children are frightened by out-of-control behavior by their parents, and teenagers require steady, consistent supervision. Staying engaged (or re-engaged) with parenting responsibilities must be a priority as the family reorganizes.
By following the expressed suggestions of divorce children, newly separated parents can help their kids navigate the unsettling family turbulence to which they will be exposed in 2011. Additionally, parents will establish themselves as calmer role models able to carry on through one of life's most stressful situations.
11:07am
Arlington, VA
I have been divorced twice and I feel bad about hurting the children but not about divorcing.
The best thing I could have done to prevent all of the problems would have been to be more careful about selecting a mate in the first place. Maybe high school kids should get a little advice on dating and marriage before they screw up. And parenting.
Make that junior high school students.
"Emery (1999) cautions that those children who may appear to rebound successfully from the divorce may not be invulnerable. Children and college students report on-going distress as well as painful feelings even in the long term aftermath stage."
see also;
DIVIDED WORLD OF THE CHILD
The Divided World of the Child: Divorce and Long-Term Psychosocial Adjustment
Let us raise our collective voices to advocate for communities dedicated to helping children and providing quality, accessible services to families when they need it.
This is a societal problem too long ignored in our culture.
Claire N. Barnes, MA
Let's open the discussion more and talk about prevention (not of the divorce, but of the added frustration of the high costs). We need to seriously reconsider how to innovatively revamp the system, hold mediators to extremely high standards, and not add to the troubles.
This will ultimately have a positve impact on the children.
While it can be very challenging to hear that your child is adversely effected by overhearing negative comments about their other parent or fighting in front of them, realizing this is the first step in creating an emotionally safe environment for your child to thrive in.
Quality education for parents and their children enhances the life-long relationship you will have have together.
Claire N. Barnes
Parents who take care of their own needs - emotionally, mentally, physically - are able to take the best care of their children's needs. We need to offer a helping hand, not a wagging finger. They feel badly enough as it is.
We totally agree on the importance of parents taking care of themselves during the stress of separation. And providing factual information of how their kids feel is intended to help them proactively find solutions to help their children as well.
Claire N. Barnes, MA