01/07/2011 04:00 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

God is Still Speaking -- And Boy is He Grumpy!

You know how sometimes a respected elder begins to sound, well, a little cranky?

God kicked off the new year by growling in the ears of several people with media platforms. And I gotta tell you, going by what they say, I'm concerned. Sounds like maybe the Big Guy in the Sky is getting past it.

First off, He's been talking to Pat Robertson again. Always a bad sign. Rev. Pat is His go-to guy for gloom and doom. But this time around, the portents are just plain crotchety.

You can listen for yourself, but in case you don't have time, I'll give you the highlights. First, though, here's how God used to talk, back in the day when He had all the swagger of Patton and the cruelty of Saddam Hussein:

11 I will punish the world for its evil,
And the wicked for their iniquity;
...I will shake the heavens,
And the earth will move out of her place,
In the wrath of the LORD of hosts
And in the day of His fierce anger ...
15 Everyone who is found will be thrust through,
And everyone who is captured will fall by the sword.
16 Their children also will be dashed to pieces before their eyes;
Their houses will be plundered
And their wives ravished. (from Isaiah 13)

Whew! That's telling 'em! Now, here He is in 2011, speaking through his chosen instrument, Pat Robertson:

"In two years will come a time of reckoning... Your creditors will demand payment and they will not be enough to satisfy their claims. Your currency will shrink in value. Your bonds will lose value. People on fixed incomes will suffer. Unemployment will escalate and there will be turmoil." (Thanks to Hugh Kramer for the transcription.)

Hmm... Sounds more like Neil Cavuto than the Lord Almighty. Whatever happened to dashing babies to bits?

Now, in speaking through evangelist dimbulb Cindy Jacobs, God dumbs it down to the Kindergarten level. That's fine, except that he comes off sounding like the Big Bad Wolf. According to Prophet Cindy, the Lord says:

"I am getting ready to come with the wind of the Spirit, and I'm going to blow through and even begin to shift and shake the court system of judicial activism."

I kid you not. Check it out:

Huffing and puffing? Not a good sign. In the old days, God wouldn't blow your house down, He'd come storming in like Atilla the Hun. Again, here's God, speaking in Ezekiel 35:

"I will lay thy cities waste, and thou shalt be desolate, and thou shalt know that I am the LORD."


Now, as we all know, that was back in God's immature days, when He was trying to get elected class president and then kill off all his rivals. God later became way more mellow. I mean, when a guy forgives you for nailing his son to a cross, you have to give him a whole bunch of credit. Nowadays, a lot of people think He's all about Love. So it's distressing to find God turning grouchy again.

Of course, to be fair, God's got a lot to be grumpy about. Stephen Hawking has dropped his coy courtship and instead declares Him unnecessary. Atheists are buying ads on buses stating that He probably doesn't exist! Worst of all, a Case Western University researcher has discovered that a helluva lot of people are angry with God -- even atheists!

With God and sinners slinging bad karma back and forth, 2011 already bids fair to be the Year of Anger Management. But hang on to your Prozac! House Republicans are getting set to investigate Muslims and "creeping sharia law." That ought to make Allah -- whom Muslims insist is that very same God of the Bible (though why they'd want to claim him I'm not sure) -- really mad! Hoo boy!