THE BLOG
04/07/2006 02:39 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Department of Homeland Profanity

Can someone tell me if the mission of President Bush's Department of Homeland Security is to A) protect us B) ignore threats C) get jiggy with our kids? Because I'm having a reasonably hard time figuring it out. From what I can glean from recent events, if you're a potential terrorist carrying bomb-making materials into a U.S. airport you can feel reasonably safe you'll remain unmolested by members of the DHS. If you're a 14-year-old girl -- not so much.

I am of course referring to Deputy Press Secretary for DHS Brian Doyle, 55, arrested for trying to solicit sex from a 14-year-old (really an undercover cop) through the Internets. Mr. Doyle was none too shy about revealing where he worked and giving out his office and work cell numbers online. That's gotta make everyone feel safe on many levels. Instead of being an undercover cop, that person pretending to be a young girl online to seduce another morally mangled conservative, who just happens to be a senior official at DHS, could never have been, say, a terrorist?

I have just a few questions. Would Doyle have to check with the FISA courts before he wiretapped his potential paramour's slumber parties, or does unitary executive theory cover that? What should we expect next, Secretary of Homeland Security R. Kelly? And finally, does this have anything to do with the War on Christians?

What's worse, this was not even the first time a senior DHS employee has attempted to express his unrequited love for underage girls. Frank Figueroa, special agent in charge of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Tampa -- who was in command of Operation Predator, the agency's program to bust child predators -- will be facing trial this week for walking up to a 16-year-old girl in a mall, pulling up his pant leg and masturbating for 10 minutes. 10 minutes? I guess the police in that mall move with much the same swiftness as George W. Bush when warned America's under attack. And now I read that that MSNBC revealed in an undercover investigation into pedophiles two years ago that there was a third DHS official who likes young girls.

So this naturally begs the question: What the hell is going on with this agency? They plan for Katrina like it's going to be a London mist, they go 21 for 21 in allowing bomb-making materials -- that a former FBI bomb expert says could potentially take down an aircraft -- to successfully make it past airport screenings and our ports are about as impenetrable as a Target from Claude Allen.

I don't know about you, but I'm not feeling safer with DHS "protecting us." Does anyone have Joe Lieberman's phone number, so we can find out the Bush Administration's position is on this issue?