GOP Hopelessly Divided!

That is what all the major newspapers are saying today. Well, not quite. If Democrats had given the Heisman to their president on an important stem-cell vote to the tune of 1 in 3 defying his wishes (including his handpicked majority leader), Adam Nagourney would be having a coronary in his haste to report the next Great Schism. But Republicans don't fight--they just work out their policy differences. Like with immigration. And gay marriage.

These are Republicans after all, and the script is supposed to say they're united. Look at poor Joe Lieberman, being challenged in an archaic procedure called a "primary" by pitchfork-wielding Maoists. Republicans don't do that. Oh yeah, except for that race in Rhode Island where Lincoln Chafee is being challenged from the right. Oh, and then there was that case where Pat Toomey tried to knock Arlen Specter out of the Senate in 2004. But they're Republicans, it's not a fight, just a contest of ideas. Right Washington Post?

And besides, that Howard Dean guy raised his voice to Rahm Emmanuel in a meeting! The Democrats are done! It's not like Grover Norquist and John McCain would act out The West Side Story if they ran into each other in a dark alley. And every Republican loves Katherine Harris--by far's the GOP's best ongoing reality show.

Well at least this safe narrative means I don't have to think too much. And that's good. Because then I might have to read about the Republican Party Chair in Kansas quitting his party to run for Lieutenant Governor as a Democrat or Rep. Chris Shays attacking his party for behaving like theocrats.

And as a commentator, I need my fiction set firmly in place. Otherwise I'd have to, you know, figure out what is really going on, and that takes quality time away from cocktails at Kristols' place.