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An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert From the Colbassadors

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Dear Mr. Colbert

Recently it has come to our attention that you have been poking fun at Detroit. The place where errant satellites can crash and do no harm, the place where it would be unthinkable to walk through downtown, etc. While we can't deny the sweet, sweet nectar of Detroit's challenges to the weak, we collectively are slightly surprised that a man of your stature, resolve and truthiness would be so afraid to embrace the secret of the most important city in the country.

That's right -- As you continue your coverage of Campaign 2012, remember that just under the razor thin veneer of every story you may cover about the election is the simple fact that Detroit is not only the home of Barack Obama's auto industry socialist bailout triumph, but the hometown of Willard Mitt Romney. The world is right where we put it.

You can pretend that you don't see the puppet strings -- how Detroit is controlling the entire country, the entire system. You may even poke fun of our carefully crafted façade municipal failure and blight, but you cannot deny the truth: Detroit is a giant hungry bear lurking in the background of the world that has been pulled over your eyes. You instinctively know that you can only poke fun of Detroit at a safe distance, but you know if you came here you might actually discover the big picture. Where better to hide freedumb's masterplan than in the town camouflaged as the capitol of the 47 percent?

You got too close when you interviewed Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick in your 435 part series "Better Know A District." If only the world understand the discipline involved in losing enough population to shed that district... If we weren't hiding something in Michigan, why else would we have sent former Governor Jennifer Granholm to give that speech at the DNC to convince everyone we were flyover-state goofballs? We don't need undue attention before the start of the Freshwater Wars.

The point sir, is that we now feel that your increased, occasional prodding may in fact indicate a gutly-ness that it would probably be better for you to abandon. You couldn't handle Detroit. Besides, if you did come to Detroit, and actually walk through downtown and survive, we might have to stop using the pejorative "Colberts" to describe natty white men in business suits who think they might die walking through downtown.

Just sit back and relax and let us continue to run the show.

Sincerely,

Detroit