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August

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Well, it's August again. So life is pretty much over.

"At least I have August!" you thought in June and July, before June and July filled up with garbage.

"Sure I can spend June and July reading comic books and catching up on True Blood. I've got August! August is when I'll really get into it! Hikes. Beach stuff. A screenplay. That's what August is all about!

"Oh sure I could start my novel in June or July, but I'll get the bulk of it done in August! As I travel by hydrofoil through all of Eastern Europe, or at the very least by van through half of Delaware!

"What's that you ask? Why of course I can complete the entire P90-X program in one month -- because it's August! The constraints of space and time need not apply! This is the month when all summer dreams come true! The month when productivity and relaxation somehow peak simultaneously! The month when I finally learn Romanian!

"So look out, plotless meta-fiction I haven't read since college! I'm coming for you August 1! And I'm not just reading the first five pages and falling asleep like last August!"

Honey, when are you going to paint the house?
"Why in August!"
What about that radon leak?
"Sounds like a job for August!"
There's a hornet's nest in our bedroom.
"A! U! G! U! S! T!"

Fact: August has 31 days.
Hope: Those 31 days will last for 200 days.
Reality: August really only has like 7 days.

My Life in August, Imagined: (slight British accent) "Well I've managed June and July wisely. I'm in a terrific position to accomplish all my goals for the summer. I suppose I just have to stay the course until September!"

My Life in August, Actual: "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?! AHHHH! WHY AM I BLEEDING?! SHE'S TRAPPED WHERE?!?! NONE OF MY CREDIT CARDS WORK!!"

OPEN ON: A hip L.A. bar.

(August approaches, dashing as all get out.)
"Hi, I'm August."
"Oh my god. I've heard so much about you, August."
"Nothing too incriminating, I hope?" (August laughs)
"Please. You should hear the way June and July talk about you!"
"Aww. They're sweet."
"So... should we do something? Or go somewhere? ... August?"
(August has already run off with That Week Right Before Christmas When It's Your Only Time To Do Shopping)
"Au-gust!!!"

The following is a paid advertisement:

(Music: Smooth jazz.)

Jon Hamm (V.O.)

Mmmm. Summer.

(Reverse angle on three models walking down the beach in colorful bikinis. They giggle.)

Jon Hamm (V.O.)

And nothing says "Pure Unadulterated Summer" like...

(Close-up on one of the models. She lowers her sunglasses.)

Model

(whispers)

August.

Jon Hamm (V.O.)

August. It's everything you ever hoped for.

Steve Buscemi (V.O.)

(quickly)

Warning: Everything you planned for August will fall through. Every single thing you wanted to see or do or even think about doing will collapse sometime in late June and never recover. Your dreams will die. Side effects include False Hope, Crippling Anxiety About Your Career, and Facing The Reality That Your Kid Will Never Finish His Summer Reading List and You'll Have to Write the Report Yourself.

Jon Hamm (V.O.)

August. It's wiiiiiiide open.

Steve Buscemi (V.O.)

(quickly)

It's now September.