Beijing 2008: Some Last-Minute Adjustments

Given the recent environmental concerns about the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, we, the Chinese Olympic Committee, would like to assure you that all necessary precautions have been taken to guarantee the grandest and the safest Olympics the world has ever seen. Even Mother Nature's mysterious, unprovoked assault on our great city cannot stop destiny.

Due to our supposedly dubious air quality, however, in both men's and women's 400m hurdles, the hurdles will now be optional. If athletes are feeling up to it, then by all means they should leap over them. If they're a little lethargic or light-headed or their eyes are burning from sulfur dioxide, they should simply go around them, or under them if they so choose - with no fears of point deductions or disqualification.

Concerned marathoners suffering from asthma will be happy to know that the course will be shortened from 26.2 miles to 2.62 miles. It will also now technically be a walkathon. If athletes are still wheezing during that, well, then maybe they should consider training a little harder next time.

In response to the greatly impaired visibility caused by this bewildering weather abnormality; we will be placing rubber nubbins on the ends of all javelins. An idea that came about after a regrettable mishap during some recent track and field trials, when an athlete failed to discern an approaching spear through the murky, yellow-tinged haze. On a similar note, the gracious people at Nerf® have been kind enough to fabricate realistic facsimiles of both the discus and hammer throw. Safety first, distance second, as we like to say.

As many of you have heard, a non-pollution-related climatic disaster has choked our beloved Quidao Bay with a blanket of algae. Not to worry, for the celebrated waters set to host our myriad sailing events will flow purely once again. As they say, when life gives you thousands of metric tons of algae, make an event out of it. To wit, all sailboats will be equipped with large oar-like scoops and giant plastic barrels - athletes will not only be judged on time, but on the volume of dense green sludge they can scoop up and haul back to shore. How's that for a win-win?

The Modern Pentathlon will now be referred to as the Modern Cloud Seeding Pentathlon. Not a huge departure from the original. However, in the shooting component, instead of aiming the air pistol at a stationary target, athletes will fire silver iodide capsules into strategic points in the cloud cover. This will produce ice crystals and hopefully some much needed rain, not to mention a medal or two for those who hit the stratus targets with precision and consistency.

In response to the fear that swarms of locusts plaguing the grasslands of Inner Mongolia will descend upon our great city during the games, we have taken a precautionary and, dare we say, sporting measure to combat them. The seven-day archery portion will now span the entire length of the Olympic games. Quivers filled with flammable, pesticide-soaked arrows will remain at the ready. At the first sight of those virulent pests on the horizon, marksmen from around the globe will be instructed to fire on them at will. Kill locusts, win medals. It's that simple.

We are making every effort to mitigate the cruel hand the environment has dealt us. Temporarily closing tens of factories and steel mills, removing millions of cars from the road, and suspending thousands of construction projects in the weeks leading up to the games. We will also be replacing the flame in the Olympic torch with a piece of that guilt-free and weirdly realistic orange foil. A global gesture to show our commitment, not only to eliminating the CO2 emissions that the torch may have caused, but also to reducing the carbon footprint that everyone is soooo convinced we are guilty of leaving.

The time has come to refocus our attention. The Olympic spirit isn't about pointing fingers, it's about joining them--in the warm interlocking grip of international brotherhood.

Just days from now, the ancient and modern worlds of China will become one, as Tiananmen Square is majestically juxtaposed against the modern splendor of our National Stadium. A building whose design of intertwined steel ribbons is more than just beautiful, it is safe--with the recent addition of oxygen masks set to drop down, airplane-style, during heavy periods of questionable air--and nicely appointed safe rooms to retreat to on the off-chance the locusts escape the quills of our mighty archers. Also, we will have hot dogs. Safe, delicious hot dogs.