In the altogether likely event that Palin is elected into office and the Republicans prove once again that the American public is, in fact, still as dumb as they hoped, here are some unfortunate glimpses into what we can expect.
Sarah: Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?Kim Jong-il: No, what?Sarah: Lipstick.Kim Jong-il: I don't get it.Sarah: Because hockey moms are tough like pit bulls.Kim Jong-il: You put lipstick on your dog?Sarah: No, it's just an expression.Kim Jong-il: I still don't get it.
Ehud Olmert: We are heading for a major conflict with the Palestinians.Sarah: Are you boys fighting again?Ehud Olmert: What? Yes. We've been fighting for decades.Sarah: You all sound like Piper and Willow when they get at each other.Ehud Olmert: Pipe what?Sarah: Piper and Willow, my girls. They really go at it sometimes. Sisters, you know?Ehud Olmert: Those are their names? You named them that?Sarah: Yep. Also, Track, Bristol and Trig.Ehud Olmert: Wow. Anyway, the problems we are having with the Palestinians are issues rooted in deep-seeded territorial claims.Sarah: Tell me about it! When Bristol and Piper shared a room, it was like, "Hey, that's my side of the room!" "Don't touch my dresser!" You know?Ehud Olmert: Sounds like a...difficult situation.Sarah: It is Ehud. It really is.
Pregnant rape victim: So, I was raped and now I'm pregnant.Sarah: Aww, that's the miracle of life, isn't it?Pregnant rape victim: Um, no actually, because I was raped.Sarah: But now you're going to have a beautiful baby.Pregnant rape victim: No, I'm going to have a rapist's baby.Sarah: Have you thought of any names?Pregnant rape victim: No, not yet because I was a little busy GETTING RAPED!Sarah: Well, you have time, how far along are you?Pregnant rape victim: The police report was filed about four months ago, so...Sarah: ...any weird cravings yet? I couldn't get enough Pad Thai when I was carrying Bristol.
Sarah: Like Cindy McCain said during the election, Vladimir, because Alaska is the closest US state to Russia, I really have a deep understanding of the complex issues of your nation.Vladimir Putin:O...kay.Sarah: Speaking of neighbors, that wasn't very neighborly of you guys to attack Georgia like that.Vladimir Putin:Well, it's quite a complicated situation with regards to the province of South Ossetia. You see, for years the people of Georgia...are you listening to me?Sarah: Uh huh. Hey, do you guys have moose here?Vladimir Putin:Moose?Sarah: You know, with the big antlers?Vladimir Putin:I suppose we do, yes.Sarah: I thought you might because it's cold and snowy here like it is in Alaska.(awkward silence) I make a mean moose stew. I'll bring you some next time.Vladimir Putin:Please don't.
General Petraeus: The situation in Baghdad is flaring up, Mrs. Vice President.Sarah: Really? Is Tracky helping out? I hope so.General Petraeus: Ah, yes he's a fine soldier, but the problem we're facing is with the insurgents...Sarah: ...he's a good boy. Is he killing enough people and everything? I told him to kill lots of people.General Petraeus: Yes, he's doing fine, Ma'amSarah: Oh good. My little Tracky Track...
Sarah: So, we're going to invade you guys pretty soon.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Wait, what? Why?Sarah: Because we're mavericks, that's how we roll.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: But what did we do?Sarah: Not sure exactly, but it's God's will, so we're heading in, maverick-style.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Can you please stop saying the word maverick?Sarah: I can't actually, I tried.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: So you're just going to invade us for no reason?Sarah: ...oh, nukes, that's it - we're pretty sure you already have the bomb.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: But you have no proof, what kind of people are you?Sarah: I think you know the answer to that.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Of course. Mavericks.Sarah: There you go, Mahmoud.
Sarah: Aww, let me feel your forehead.A gay person: I told you, I'm not sick.Sarah: Oh sweetie, of course you are. You've come down with an awful case of gayness.A gay person: What? Get off me!Sarah: I've got some good news, though! My Wasilla church specializes in turning gays back to normal. We even have this catchy slogan - "Pray the gay away!" Isn't it clever?A gay person: Get away from me, bitch.Sarah: Come on, let's fix this. You must feel so gay and icky.A gay person: I don't want to "fix this", I'm happy just the way I am.Sarah: Wow, you have no idea how gay that sounded.
Hugo Chavez: So, please tell me you speak Spanish? Because neither Bush or Cheney did.Sarah: No, sorry. Can't help you there. But I do sometimes speak in tongues at my church when the Lord is coursing through me. Here I'll show you.Hugo Chavez: Please don't.Sarah: Lulululgaaaaaritangarfawapppppnizzzzarrr.Hugo Chavez: Okay that's good, I get it..Sarah: Kretvzinaaaaaaloooooozipaaaaatttturvintalalalala......whew! Did I do it? I blacked out there for a second.Hugo Chavez: You have spit on your chin.
Sarah: So I hear you guys have been learning about dinosaurs!6th grade class: Yay! Dinosaurs!Sarah: They're really old, huh? Dinosaurs have been around sincethe earth began four thousand years ago.6th grade class: But scientists have actually proven that dinosaur fossils areat least 65 million years old.Sarah: And how did they prove that, you smart alecs?6th grade class: Radioactive dating and sediment analysis.Sarah: Wow, where did you guys get all those fancy words? 6th grade class: Books.Sarah: Oh, well we're going to be collecting those silly books soon enough so you won't be confused anymore. There's only one book you need from now on; the Bible.6th grade class: Does the Bible have math?Sarah: No.6th grade class: Yay! No more math!