I have a personal hate-hate relationship with all things technical. Change one little thing on your computer and it's like the butterfly in Australia that flaps its wings and causes tornados in Kansas. Trying to fix it changes enough things to add monsoons in Asia.
It was all a cover: The reality TV show. The bimbos and bankruptcies. The bad comb over. It was all designed to distract from the truth: that Donald Trump, playboy billionaire, is in fact the masked vigilante known as Batman!
I submit the following concept based on a real-life story. Kathy Bates stars as Kim Davis, a devoutly Christian Kentucky county clerk. Davis appears normal but she is secretly infected with a brain-eating disease which steals her logic and forces her to suck the dignity out of homosexuals.
" Human Beings,
New York Jets,
P.C. Richard And Son,
Inanimate objects are out to get me. I can deal with human beings, either by ignoring them or by telling them such dumb jokes that they ignore me. But machines have me baffled.
Jesus' success, because how could he fail, is now inscrutable fact. He is not only the most recognizable person to ever walk the earth, except maybe Lucille Ball, he is also People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the millennium. Sorry Clooney.
I'm trying this online dating thing. You see, I'm late 30s and almost officially divorced. As a single mom, I don't have much options meeting men and when I do go out, guys in their mid-20s flock to me. It's sweet but not really practical.
I must admit, there have been times when I've really wanted to blurt out something foul -- on the highway, during arguments with my husband or when trying to get the cap off of a bottle of ibuprofen when I'm particularly hormonal -- and wished there was an effective alternative to blurting the F-word.
Be aware of your privilege as a man and don't use it to be a coward or a sucker by saying and doing things to take advantage. Be understanding, LISTEN to others. In every interaction, be humble and gentle and sincere.
This originally appeared on The Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults Crutching is a great way to help injuries heal and bypass the lines at Disney World, and able-bodied individuals may treat crutchers with kindness. If you use crutches and think people are nice to you...
So it is that I feel reasonably secure in re-stating my firm, unshakable position on this issue. If America actually elects Donald Trump as president, I am going to stay here. While loudly and continually telling everybody that I plan on leaving.
The cultural pastime of sharing memes has garnered quite a few headlines lately. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should. Here's a crash course on what I think are becoming the comics of the digital age...Memes.
Given that we already have a New York, a New Jersey, and a New Mexico, Nevada will be changed to "New Wealth," reflecting the contribution Las Vegas has made to the state's otherwise pitiful tax base.
I long for the table of meals gone by where conversations were dense with story and dripping with laughter. We did not waste our precious time together on criticizing the selection, agonizing over the ingredients or lamenting about preparation.
I knew the Belvedere Hotel couldn't keep up with the Willard any more than Fort McHenry and the Lincoln Memorial should be allowed in the same sentence. When I attempted a little Baltimore aside about the Cone Sisters, he nodded quickly and moved on to the majesty of the National Gallery.
In an effort to rebuild his career after recent crushing blows, The Fat Jew, AKA Josh Ostrovsky, will join the latest cast of Dancing With The Stars.
Joe can't talk right now... he's fixing something.