What I learned Running The New York City Marathon: Things To Avoid

Dogs that might bite you. It's hard to run if your leg is gushing blood all over the place and hurting you. Also, the blood makes the ground slippery, and other runners will get mad at you, no...

As you may have seen, the New York Daily News is reporting that a top lieutenant in the Church of Scientology is claiming that Tom Cruise offered to:

Personally "beat the living [bleep]" out of disobedient Scientologists

Leading Scientologists, and Cruise's lawyer have disputed the claim. And now,...

Former Governor Sarah Palin's imperceptibly anticipated memoir called Going Rogue is out in stores and churches on November 17th. Of course, there's no chance in hell I'm reading her autobiography. But, since I feel indebted to Governor Palin for inspiring Tina Fey's awesome impersonation, the least I can do is...

"It [your opera] had too many notes, remove a few and it will be perfect"
--Emperor to Mozart in Amadeus.

The battle for the soul of the Republican Party is over. Conservatives and the moderate have come together behind a constitutional amendment that would prohibit Congress from passing any...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In a move that took many in the publishing industry by surprise, the vibrator of former Miss California Carrie Prejean signed a deal today to write a tell-all memoir.

The book, tentatively titled "Still Buzzing," will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye...

THE LLOYD's Prayer

Our Chairman,
Who Art At Goldman,
Blankfein Be Thy Name.
The Rally's Come. God's Work Be Done
On Earth As There's No Fear Of Correction.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Gains,
And Bankrupt Our Competitors
As You Taught...

In the heart of a community where political statements occur on t-shirts and in bay windows, it is best to be dressed to impress. Especially when purchasing groceries.

You don't just go to Whole Foods to pick up groceries. The only place you're guaranteed to run into someone with...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - A scathing new memo on Afghanistan written by one of President Obama's top security advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to NBC's "Jay Leno Show."

"When you go at...

Just when you have nothing to BLOG about, God sends you an email message like this:

Erica,

(Reuterz: Rome)

L'Osservatore Romano is reporting that Goldman Sachs is indeed Doing God's work, and His Former Holiness Joseph Ratzinger has confirmed the unsolicited hostile takeover. Writing under his pen name Benedict XVI, Ratzinger verified that total control of the popular religion has been transferred to Goldman Sachs and His...

As you might have heard, Rupert Murdoch, the Chairman and CEO of News Corp., stated in an interview with Sky News Australia that

He will remove stories from Google's search index as a way to encourage people to pay for content online.

News Corp. owns the Wall Street...

In technology news, the worlds of overbearing parents and their slutty offspring have finally collided with the release of the iSlut. The iSlut is an easy-to-use iPhone application that enables parents to keep track of who's sleeping with their slutty daughter.

"It completely...

WASHINGTON - Buoyed by the passage of Saturday's health care bill, the House of Representatives today voted to skootch up the end of the world to 2010, to give lawmakers a chance to address it before the mid-term elections.

They also included a provision allowing individual states to "opt out"...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Goldman Sachs' Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein's comment that bankers are doing "God's work" came under fire today from one of the longest-standing allies of the firm, Satan, the Prince of Darkness.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Beelzebub blasted Mr. Blankfein for...