Although meditation has been described as a reflective mode of thought, a more accurate definition would be a mode of "no thought," not unlike that of an employee at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The goal of meditation is to journey to a quiet place beyond the thought-filled mind....

Negotiations for my new contract were going on when I received a telephone call from my brother on a Sunday morning telling me that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Very shortly I started another picture costarring with Errol Flynn.

- Ronald Reagan, An American Life

I don't know...

WASILLA (The Borowitz Report): One day before Thanksgiving, Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":

This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...

I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Former CNN host Lou Dobbs said today that he was seriously considering running for president after being urged to do so by an imaginary friend.

In a conference call with reporters, Mr. Dobbs said that he had not thought about seeking public office until...

Last week Neiman Marcus unveiled its 2009 Christmas Book. As usual, the extravagant offerings in the 83rd annual catalog do not disappoint, particularly the A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training for $250,000, Algonquin Round Table Experience with such luminaries as Henry Louis Gates, Jr., Nora Ephron and George Stephanopoulos for...

In 1621, the Pilgrims and Indians gathered for a harvest feast that became known as America's first Thanksgiving. Over the centuries, the legacy of gathering and giving thanks for a bountiful harvest has has evolved into a frenzy of gluttony and consumerism....

An expert commission of African leaders today announced their plan for comprehensive reform of music band U2, according to unconfirmed and, frankly, fictional sources. Saying that U2's rock had lost touch with its African roots, the Commission called for urgent measures to...

Sarah Palin, Going Rogue, 2012, and the end of the Mayan Calendar. It all has a fearful symmetry.

As you may have heard, in an interview on CNN's Showbiz Tonight, Martha Stewart had some less than flattering things to say about Sarah Palin. Stewart said of Palin

She's very boring to me, very boring. And a very, to me, kind of a dangerous person. I...

Who is Sarah Ball and why is she saying awful things about Emo Phillips? And, why is she not saying awful things about Robin Williams? I.E., if she is going to bash those twelve, she ought to also be brave enough, and have the critical eye required, to take...

In deference to reading about Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue on The Daily Kos and watching clips from her appearance on Oprah, I wrote a review, as there is so little written and said about her already.

With her new book, Going Rogue, Sarah...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Facing mounting criticism from the public and the media, Goldman Sachs announced today that they would cancel plans to dance around a bonfire of thousand-dollar bills.

The company had planned to perform a pagan dance around the inferno of blazing thousands while roasting a...

There's been an unrelenting amount of dismal news.  Heaped on top of the existing and illogical wars, economic woes, job scarcity, terrorism, genocide, trafficking of women, global warming, identity theft, the greed of pharmaceutical companies and Wall Street tycoons, we're worried about health care reform, Social Security going broke, swine...

Before Oprah Winfrey's last daily show airs in September 2011, she will premiere The Oprah Winfrey Network. Via spies at Harpo Productions, here is a preview of the bold and innovative programming that network with feature:

MONDAY

8:00am - Grief Counselors Prepare You For Oprah's Regular Show Leaving the Air...

(Reouterz) Chicago - Shocking even Herself, Oprah! Winfrey announced she will soon end her earthly talk-show reign in preparation for Her Ascension.

The publisher of O magazine who is known as "The Most Powerful Person In The Free World," Ms. Winfrey quoted Herself, saying She is leaving Her show "in...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - A homeless man who began shouting at New Yorkers in 1985 said that Oprah Winfrey was the inspiration behind his decision to call it quits in early 2010.

"I've had a good run," said Tracy Klugian, who has barked non sequiturs at passersby on...

The first ever marijuana café in America opened last week. That doesn't surprise me. What shocks me is that it's in Portland, Oregon. That would be like opening a Mormon bookstore in Salt Lake City. Weird, right? The place is called The Cannabis Café, which I must say I...

Thanksgiving is a time of family. A time of reflection. A time of giving. And a time of stuffing. It is a time when a man or woman, sometimes a slightly intoxicated man or woman, crams their butter-coated hand into a turkey's butt. If this act were to be done...