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Debra Froat
08:43 AM on 06/07/2012
Maybe I'm the only person that finds your comments selfish. Your family befriended this young man. It has nothing to do with you personally. Just because you divorced him, doesn't mean that they have to end their friendship with him. They didn't divorce him afterall. Believe it or not, life does not center around one person and their needs or wants. You are having a tough time and it is reasonable to ask your family not to discuss your ex with you. It isn't reasonable to expect them to stop being close to him.
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KDMac
It's called sarcasm, Genius.
02:10 PM on 06/07/2012
Family loyalty states that the family should be nice to the ex when they have to, but they should take their cue from her and see how much she wants him to be included. We were friends with my sister-in-law's ex, but when they split, we explained how things would have to change. He wasn't cool with it -- he wanted to be asked to all our parties and celebrations -- but she felt uncomfortable with him around, and she is family.
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RationalCaliGirl
Vasectomies prevent abortions...
03:24 PM on 06/07/2012
Where are these family loyalty rules stated?
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Godweiser
The eyes have it.
02:20 PM on 06/07/2012
I don't think so. I would tilt a couple beers back with the dude, but family gatherings? No, and especially not when the actual relative is not comfortable around him. He's the ex and she's still the family. There's a distinction there, especially in families that don't sell out their own because they have a successful, famous in-law. Maybe I'm not the sort of guy that's sociopathic enough for success, but I'll take my family over an outsider any time.
April Dancer 25
The Girl From U.N.C.L.E.
08:06 AM on 06/07/2012
This reminds me of when my cousin divorced her husband. We never learned exactly why and I had always been good friends with her husband. However, out of respect and love for her mother [my aunt] I cut off all contact with him. I learned he had remarried and lived near me but never sought him out. Then he died unexpectedly. I really wanted to go to the funeral, but again did not because I didn't want my aunt to know I had been there. I regret this but not enough to beat myself up. I think that family loyalty needs to trump all, no matter how charming the ex is or how much you liked this person. So, I will always remember this fellow fondly, and still get along with everyone. Blood is blood and I suspect this family needs to remember this.
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MARTYB
61 years of age, happily divorced, father of three
07:35 AM on 06/07/2012
Hmmm.......maybe they "do" like him more than you, and that would be because......?
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Lisa Marie Wilson
11:40 AM on 06/07/2012
They bonded with him. I think they would say that they love me too, they just don't want to lose him.
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christina444
One must tremble indignation at every injustice...
03:46 PM on 06/07/2012
"They don't want to lose him" ?????? Sounds as though your family needs to be in therapy, not you. You are just fine.
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emthepoet
06:25 AM on 06/07/2012
You got married in haste, then moved in and out of his life. If there were no children involved that would be one thing, but he is a part of their family so long as his child is. Maybe instead of deciding that there are sides, you should be happy there's no drama and not try to create some.
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Lisa Marie Wilson
11:41 AM on 06/07/2012
You are right. I'm very happy there is no drama.
06:11 AM on 06/07/2012
I'm more of a take sides kinda gal. I want the line in the sand,
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Do you think your account of your behavior complies with your understanding of yourself given in the above words?
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Lisa Marie Wilson
11:42 AM on 06/07/2012
I just wanted them to see that the divorce wasn't all my fault, it takes two. But in their eyes, he is perfect. That's ok, I'm learning to live with it.
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Phreaked
In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night
02:43 PM on 06/07/2012
You haven't given any reasons for it being anyone's fault but your own, and it does not always take two, one person can make a decision that affects all

"A year and one big argument later, I didn't make the right choice and moved out."
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RationalCaliGirl
Vasectomies prevent abortions...
03:30 PM on 06/07/2012
No it doesn't. The truth is more than likely that he stopped being the one that had to make all of the compromises and you didn't like it?
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04:57 AM on 06/07/2012
I fault your ex. My ex-mother-in-law and I had a great relationship as well. She asked me to not let what happened between me and her son to interfere with out relationship. At the time I said I wouldn't.

Later I realized that it wasn't fair to my ex or to me to continue a relationship with her. He deserved to go on with his life without thinking or hearing about me and vice versa. So I never followed through with that promise, though I will send her a Christmas card this year without a return address. So, though I don't know exactly what you're feeling, I do think that he should have been mature enough to walk away after the divorce.
06:13 AM on 06/07/2012
though I will send her a Christmas card this year without a return address.
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Why? Disturb her peace? Keeping these thin threads of contact may not be for the best.
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06:32 AM on 06/07/2012
I wasn't going to sign the card or even address it. It would be a random card from, well anybody. And she was a very nice woman. She probably cared more about me than her son ever did. So if I send her a card it would just be more of an anonymous "thank you" than a letter from me. It's not like I was planning to put my picture on the card and include a letter describing how wonderful my life is now that her son is out of it.
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Debra Froat
08:51 AM on 06/07/2012
Oh for goodness sakes, sign the card. Your MIL is probably not a wilting flower who will have her peace ruined by a card with your name on it. I have a DIL. If my son divorced, I would be overjoyed if she remembered me with a card. Besides, if your MIL gets an unsigned card, she will not only be curious but confused. That would be worse for her peace then getting anything from you.
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8journey8
Who's in charge here?
04:46 AM on 06/07/2012
Seriously, I couldn't put up with this. I would dump them all. Life is tough enough without feeling marginalized by your own family. Also, by their divided loyalty, you are likely unable to just say whatever you think about Anything to them, knowing it will get back to him. And it's important to feel that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" when you're divorced. It's important for you to have control over what is said to him, and you don't. Because it's an awful feeling when you think that someone you confide in might be disparaging your image to an ex. Yuck. I'm so sorry that they have done this to you. You are so sharp and intelligent, being related to you would be so neat. They're idiots.
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mPowerServices
People are fickle...fanned today, gone 2morrow
08:57 AM on 06/07/2012
I totally agree. This foolishness happened to me. My family, especially my mother, continued to have my ex over and even was having the children of his new wife over to the house (his stepkids). I decided that my presence was not needed. I have moved on but I don't really want to show up for a family dinner and have to endure my ex. If I liked him that much I would not have divorced him. His wife is great. I have met her (cause she showed up at my family's house with the ex). I decided they were all crazy and just stopped coming around for over a year. My mom finally realized my ex was a jerk all on her own and stopped giving him money, buying things for his new kids, and having their family over. I don't want my family to talk badly about my ex as I would never want our children to hear anything negative about their father, but I felt betrayed and the relationship I used to have with all of my family is not as close as it used to be because I no longer trust them. I love them the same but I don't trust that they will do what is best for me. No one really knows what you endure in a bad marriage so they should just respect your wishes and not interfere.
09:20 AM on 06/07/2012
WRONG. Your family does not have to divorce your spouse too, esp if there was no abuse or adultery on the spouse's part, which led to the divorce. Completely different scenario if we're talking about divorcing a Freddy Kruger or Jerry Springer guest.
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8journey8
Who's in charge here?
09:58 AM on 06/07/2012
Of course they don't have to. But if you "stay married" to the ex, even though the spouse (your family member) has divorced, then you are insensitive. Really, it's your choice. But be aware that a price is being paid by someone for your poor judgment....you don't notice the pain because you're not the one feeling it.
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MzBergy
Why can't we ALL just get along?
10:43 AM on 06/07/2012
The family doesn't have to divorce the ex, but they don't have to constantly still dote on him and invite him to come and visit them across the country on vacations either, especially if the children are not involved.
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monkeyshine89
God goggles, like beer goggles, but more deceptive
03:18 AM on 06/07/2012
Woah that's some pretty crazy crap right there. I would be pretty upset at my family choosing an ex over me. That's insane.
09:21 AM on 06/07/2012
They did not choose the ex over her, they chose both of them. She's the one with the choice to make, they haven't disowned her.
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MzBergy
Why can't we ALL just get along?
10:51 AM on 06/07/2012
They haven't disowned her, but they also haven't given much thought into how she might feel by keeping in constant contact with the ex as well.
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Lisa Marie Wilson
11:50 AM on 06/07/2012
If we ever get back together there will be no "catching up" to do as they are all friends and interacting now. So that's the bright side LOL. It just makes me feel bad sometimes when they are like, "Hey, he's so great!" and I'm like, "You weren't in the marriage." But no one knows until they know.
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Bladesmith
Hammering out some red hot truth.
02:37 PM on 06/07/2012
So you tell your family the truth of the relationship, and bring them up to speed. If there was bad behavior by your ex, you owe your family the truth.

Because to be honest, so far all this sounds like is you being insecure and indecisive, and wandering in and out of your marriage like a bored child.
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Thomas Alan
04:59 PM on 06/07/2012
"If we ever get back together" you better make it happen like right now or it won't ever happen... consider this he is probably dating already whether you know it or not.